Hunting High & Low

That I would be good...

2009-02-08T09:42:00.003+01:00

Even if I've neglected this blog for so long...

Well, ok, it wasn't much of a choice really. Let's just say that I was unavailable. But honestly, it was never my intention to stay away for more than a year! Shocking how time flies, but forget about the "having fun"-bit. I have discovered that time flies too when the days don't seem to end, with too much crap to fill given the hours.

So what have I done?
I've tried to be good. And it took me a year + to realise that I've tried to be good for anyone and anything else apart from myself. That's no good, is it?

That's called failing. In this case, failing miserably.

Now I know, this sounds quite harsh and ofcourse I know that I have tried very, very hard, so why can't I be a little more loving towards myself? See that 'trying' is at least a lot better than giving up and show the world your middle finger?

'Cause apparently, me trying to be good wasn't spotted (enough) by many people who are part of my life. Yes, they saw me struggling and fighting, but hey, in the end the results were not what they expected so, mission failed. Game over.

Wanna play again?

For years, I kept on going and tried to learn and understand the rules of the game. The do's and don't's of this life, as they come along - like instructions written in the manual of this really complicated hi-tech gadget (made in China, but o so badly translated into English ofcourse). Having said that, consider yourself lucky if you ever did find that bl.... manual; at least you've gót something that provides a bit of information, even if half of it looks more like it's written in some sort of alien language.

But some players of this lifelong contest just don't get it, literally and figuratively. Doesn't mean that they don't want to play, though. Or have the right to get more than one chance to master the necessary skills.

You never know.... they maybe don't play like you, but they might be good!

I'll be waiting...

2007-12-23T16:01:00.000+01:00

Couldn't help it, have to share!
J

Sacrifice

2007-12-13T07:54:00.000+01:00

I'm carefully peeking my head around the corner....

I'm building up strenght to come back, to wherever I was when I "left" before.

The last months have been hard, sucking up all my energy and left me with no choice than to look after myself. The things that happened along that way had a huge impact. This piece of music tells the story, of how it was, and is, for me.

I'll be back.
J

Same mistake

2007-11-20T05:43:00.000+01:00

Another piece of beautiful music...

Be back soon....
J

No retreat

2007-11-08T09:12:00.000+01:00

There's a reason why I haven't been writing much lately. At the moment I think it's too complicated to explain it personally, but as usual, I give it a go with music. With a song that sets the right atmosphere. With lyrics that tells you how it feels.

I think I should stop thinking lightly about coincidence, by the way. After reading DW's last post, considering what I am going through, I believe there's a reason, or a meaning, for this.
DW, stand your ground...

J

I just know there's no escape now
once it sets its eyes on you
but i won't run, have to stare it in the eye

Stand my ground, I won't give in
no more denying, I got to face it
won't close my eyes and hide the truth inside
if I don't make it, someone else will stand my ground

Though this might just be the ending
of the life I held so dear
but I won't run, there's no turning back from here

Stand my ground

Retreating from the world

2007-11-05T04:47:00.000+01:00

You don’t talk about your dreams anyone, do you?

Not really. No.

Why? Do you not have any?

I do. Really. I have had some and I had many when I was younger. You should have seen those! They’re mean. They’re ambitious. They bite. They make the world seem like a gigantic playground, where the pleasure’s in the living. They make waking up in the morning an exciting event.

I’d love to hear ‘em one day. But forgive me for asking this…

No. Go ahead.

Where are they now?

(Silence… until it became uncomfortable for both.)

It’s ok if you don’t feel like responding to it. I asked out of spontaneity.

(Still silence.)

Sorry.

No. It’s fine. What about I get you a drink? What would you like? Absolut Vodka Mandarin?

***

There is only so much words can do for you before every attempt to find meaning in and for them becomes futile. And when you start to develop fears for the only space you have left, you are tempted to draw back completely.

I get scared when I encounter incidents daily that make no sense. It’s either I am losing my marbles or the world is.

No, the world doesn’t go mad. It’s you.

Fighting injustice becomes a futile effort that destroys your sense of self and worth too often for comfort – even when I am fighting for myself; and even when someone else’s incompetence becomes mine.

Are there no angels? Are there no words?

I’ve no humour left to expend, to amuse, to tickle, or to put things into perspective.

Loesje

2007-10-27T07:32:00.000+02:00

How I love Loesje...

From hilarious to provocative, these quotes always trigger something... if not your mind, it will be a smile!

Strangers

2007-10-20T14:31:00.000+02:00

(Writers Island prompt of wk 7)

Every once in a while, someone, or something, you've know for a long, long time, happens to be, say, do, behave, act or react completely different than what you expected. A certain situation which could have been common, turns out feeling strange. And close friends, whom you thought you knew so well, may come across as complete strangers.

Sometimes, for some of us, it happens to be your own person who is surprising you with unpredicted thoughts or emotions. Those moments can be some of the most frightening ones in life. But no matter how much fear they cause, don't try to turn your back on them and try to run or hide. These moments are a sign, even an alarming signal sometimes, that there's something wrong, and you've got to stop, think about and listen to what these strange feelings are trying to say.

Strange emotions may end up feeling familiar when you open yourself and think about it. A stranger may end up being the best friend you've ever had. Or even the most beautiful love of your life....

J

So lets get down to it baby
There ain't no need to lie

Tell me who you think you see
When you look into my eyes

Lets put our two hearts back together
And we'll leave the broken pieces on the floor
Make love with me baby
Till we ain't strangers anymore

Lost

2007-10-15T06:55:00.000+02:00

What I can't, is looking at photographs. It hasn't always been like that. But the last few years it started (from getting this vague, melancholic pain flowing into a sharp scratch on an already wounded soul), and it slowly got worse. So these days, I can't even look at a certain photo without having this like automatic need to curl up, shiver, cry, wanting to dissappear, far, far away...

At this moment, I know I am at an alarming state in that matter, 'cause I noticed that the only two photo's in a frame that I've got, I have turned around. So all I see is the back of it. I can see they're still there, but I cannot face them. Literally. I cannot see their faces. The pain is too deep, the guilt is killing me, and I cannot find the right words to tell myself it's going to be alright. Whatever I do, there is no sense, no real sense, to explain why this all happened, how it got this far, and for which benefit it was needed.

So I feel waisted. I feel lost.

Have I waisted most of my years? And have I waisted most of my precious time with them? Have I lost many opportunities in my life? And did I loose some of the most important moments with them? Have I lost the chance of being there for, and with, them?

I usually have no trouble coming up with some sort of solution, clever statement or what have you. Not that I always have the wisdom of putting words into action in matters on my personal, emotional state. But like I said, I can't even find the proper words now, let alone doing something with their meaning.

I feel lost. And fear that I am.

J

Open Arms

2007-10-12T06:05:00.001+02:00

Words spoken out,
Phrases chosen with care.
Sounds made it loud,
Conversations full of flair.

The mouth makes clear,
what the mind has to say.
The heart has no fear,
that meanings go astray.

But what if I lack,
the ability to speak?
What if I loose track,
of sentences I seek?

All the time I wish for,
you to hear what I haven't said.
Voices needed no more,
to understand what's in my head...

What you will do is hold me,
welcome me with arms open wide.
Your tender love's the key,
Your trust is my guide....

J

Renewal

2007-10-08T07:25:00.000+02:00

~ prompt of Writers Island - wk5 ~

Renewal of the soul - 4 by *nusbaum on deviant ART

Renewal...
They say your renewal can only take place when you have been very close to death. Like nearly touching this cold, hated but so common "friend of life". So close, it's frightening; only 2 options remain and that is to flight or fight...

Fight...
It's when you fight that you gain the chance of renewal. Renewal of that piece of you, that is so badly damaged, that with all of the little life that's left in there, it screams desperately for help. No one can hear it though, apart from you. For it is you, and only you, who can answer the question, supply the demand, fill in the needs, make the u-turn.

Pain...
The pain may seem unbearable, your soul's severely injured but the hurt, this time, won't be like a companion of the enemy, but your friend. For it is so intense, that it provides you with a source of energy that nothing and nobody else can give you. It is a boost nearly too hot to handle.

Chance...
But it's a chance and you grab it: simply because you already choose to fight and that is exactly the one and only reason why this chance is here, right in front of you and there is no way that you'll let go.

Heal...
Wounds take time to heal. The tissue of your skin is remarkably well capable of creating new cells and forming a new layer of protection of your body. Sometimes the wounds have been so bad that this new layer may not look like what was there before. Scars appear and they can be a horrible reminder of what happened there before. But no matter how ugly, they are there and protect you.

Overcome...
For me, renewal of the soul can take place when not only having been so close to death, but also by to overcome the fear of it. You need fear to fight, but never fear fighting.

Renewal....
Sometimes, life's renewal isn't what you expected it to be. Sometimes the renewal of your soul is showing a complete different side of you, unknown before. But, take a closer look. Feel it, can you feel how thick this new layer of skin, this renewal is? The scars may seem ugly, look so different than what was there before.... yet, it may do one hell of a better job of protecting you.

So drive me out, yeah
Out to that open field
Turn the ignition off
And spin around
Your help is here

J

Live - Overcome
Uploaded by Live-official

The Journey

2007-10-02T08:47:00.000+02:00

~ prompt of Writers Island - wk4 ~ (my point of view with mask on)

Remember, when you were a kid, in the back seat of the car, going on holiday? The excitement? Although your dad only just drove off, it felt like ages and all you could think of was "are we there yet?!"... Nowadays that scene could be sketched like in Shrek 2, you are Donkey and your parents, very frustrated, played one hell of a good copy of Shrek and Fiona.

I was never very good "with journeys", even though I used to (and still do actually) love taking part of it. But hey, patience... right? For most of the journeys, you need it and that's exactly what I lack of....

So when thinking about a "journey", the silly part of me is totally on Donkey's side...

(my point of view without mask on)

You're getting older
Your journey's been etched
On your skin

"Are we there yet?"
This journey seems to last forever. But maybe that's exactly how it's supposed to be. Some sort of a never ending trip, but with the difference that the destination of it, is to actually learn to 'travel', to make the best out of it, to enjoy the surroundings of the road you follow, and to know where you're heading to.

There's nothing wrong with "looking back", as long as you keep on your track, going forward, open minded, excited and wondering ... am I there yet?

I love traveling my journey, I'm just not very good at it. I've probably just never really grown up.

J (Donkey)

The Key

2007-09-26T12:20:00.000+02:00

~ prompt of Writers Island - wk3 ~

Several reasons for why it took me ages before I completed my post for WI prompt this week:

whilst on my swing of moods, I seem to get stuck every time I passed the "down"-bit. As I am still in the middle of the process of figuring out the do's and don'ts of Me, Myself and I, it wasn't a surprise, but falling can be painful...
I am trying to be more aware of not only myself, but also people, around me and general. It's a rewarding 'investment', but also a confronting and energy consuming one.
work, of course.
and I've got a bit of a flue (which is probably also related to the first reason mentioned)

All in all, thinking about what I wanted to write regarding the words "The Key", set me off and (oh how I "love/hate" my hyper focus now and again...) I found I had far too much to write about.

The key; it links to so many things in life. The key to your heart, your soul, the door, happiness, the truth, and so on. And every single example needs more than a few lines written about it.

I panicked. Missing out on this week's prompt wasn't an option. If I had nothing to tell, if it was a subject which means nothing to me, I would have been OK with skipping. But no, I had so many thoughts and triggers that I couldn't ignore them.

Then, I stumbled upon this amazing project: 6 billion Others

I read, listened and watched all of the whole site. It is one of the best things I have come across on the Internet. Ever. I got enormously impressed by the person who's behind this idea: Yann Arthus-Bertrand.

And, I realised that this is it. This is The Key. In fact, I would call it the Master Key.
For it will open all of our hearts, souls and doors, and happiness and truth will be there for all of us.

Achieving this Utopia seems so unrealistic and ridiculous. The lock that is blocking us all from getting there, seems impossible to open. But at least, someone tries and you've got to admire him for that.

He opened the door to my heart anyway...

J

The Gift

2007-09-18T09:40:00.000+02:00

"Love is a gift.
You can't buy it, you can't find it, someone has to give it to you.
Learn to be receptive of that gift.”
(Kurt Langner)

~ prompt of Writers Island - wk2 ~

Yesterday I read a column of a Dutch psychiatrist who, in quite a straight forward way, pointed out that many people (if not most of them) tend to take Love for granted. As a result of that, chances are that one day you'll find yourself in a situation where you have lost that love and you're begging for it to come back. When you look back, you can wonder why you didn't see it before: you were not aware of the importance for being grateful for the love that was given to you.

Without going into detail regarding that article, and even though it was written in a confronting tone, he had a point there. We should be more grateful for what is given to us, even when it is there every day again. Actually, I would say, because it is there every day again....

When I saw this week's prompt of Writers Island, my mind went straight back to that column and somehow, I immediately linked it to James Morrisons latest song, "Undiscovered".

Be grateful for the greatest gift of all: Love. And if you feel you haven't received it yet, take a look around. It's not lost, just undiscovered....

I'm not running, I'm not hiding
But if you dig a little deeper, you will find me

I'm not lost, not lost, undiscovered
And when we're alone we are all the same as each other

J

My Imaginary Life

2007-09-11T11:55:00.000+02:00

A gentle breeze from Hushabye Mountain
Softly blows o'er lullaby bay.
It fills the sails of boats that are waiting-
-Waiting to sail your worries away.

It isn't far to Hushabye Mountain
And your boat waits down by the key.
The winds of night so softly are sighing-
-Soon they will fly your troubles to sea.
So close your eyes on Hushabye Mountain.
Wave good-bye to cares of the day.
And watch your boat from Hushabye Mountain
Sail far away from lullaby bay.

When thinking about My Imaginary Life ...

(which is the first prompt of this new site, launched today, made by and for writers: Writers Island. One of the persons who started it up, is Rob Kistner, someone I got to know via blogging/writing and admire a lot! Not only for his writing, but as a person as well).

Words that connect are so eager to be written down, to be said out loud, but given the fact that I do not have the amount of time to give all these words a chance, I use the words of Einstein. I couldn't have said it better anyway...

(and if anyone wants to imagine how my imagination works, just close your eyes and listen to the song above...)

Imagination
is more important than knowledge.
For knowledge is limited, whereas
imagination embraces the entire world,
stimulating progress, giving birth to evolution.

J

Tired of being sorry

2007-09-10T08:59:00.000+02:00

For a thousand reasons that I know
To share forever the unrest
With all the demons I possess
Beneath the silver moon

Maybe you were right
But baby I was lonely
I don't want to fight
I'm tired of being sorry

Forgive me my mistakes, for I sometimes don't realise what I am doing wrong...

Forgive me for being unreliable, for I sometimes can't even rely on myself...

Forgive me for the smile on my face, for it is sometimes just the mask I wear...

Forgive me for being complicated, for I have trouble myself to gain peace of mind...

My "demons"... They're not an excuse. They're not a scapegoat. I wish I could say I have an explanation for my behaviour. But to be able to explain, don't I need to have 'full understanding of the subject'?

And what if I haven't got that yet?

Forgive me all, for asking so much patience...

(Who would have thought that he could hit me with this song (and lyrics) right on the spot?)

J

Writing

2007-09-08T09:15:00.000+02:00

(Sunday Scribblings)

Sometimes, when I speak, people don't seem to understand what I say.
Sometimes, when I look, they don't see what I observe.
Sometimes, when I think, people have no clue what's on my mind.
And sometimes, when I cry, they don't know what it's all about....

What can one do to be heard? To be seen, to be understood? To be comforted?

I cannot expect people to know me. For it is difficult enough to know 'me' myself.

But sometimes, it makes you feel so alone. All by myself....

and that's the reason I write.
Because then, I can speak, look, think and cry as if I am not alone out there...

J

Here

2007-09-06T19:03:00.000+02:00

When I just want to "blast" moodswings away, I like to turn the volume up quite high, especially when I'm driving in my car. Sometimes it really helps to do that. And sometimes it doesn't even matter if it is a silly song, as long as it blasts! Recently I "used" this one, although the video clip is extremely silly, really...

This must make Phil smile....

2007-09-05T08:38:00.000+02:00

Not that I know him personally, but I think he loves it!

Cleverly done....

J

from http://www.aglassandahalffullproductions.com/index.html

Trouble

2007-09-03T09:06:00.001+02:00

O no, I see,
A spider web is tangled up with me,
And I lost my head,
The thought of all the stupid things I'd said.

O no, what's this?
A spider web, and I'm caught in the middle,
So I turn to run,
The thought of all the stupid things I've done,

And I never meant to cause you trouble,
I never meant to do you wrong,
And I, well if I ever caused you trouble,
And oh no, I never meant to do you harm.

O no, I see,
A spider web and it's me in the middle,
So I twist and turn,
Here am I in my little bubble,

Singing out loud, I never meant to cause you trouble,
And, I never meant to do you wrong,
And I, well if I ever caused you trouble,
Oh, no I never meant to do you harm.

They spun a web for me,
They spun a web for me,
They spun a web for me.

J

Tell Me What We're Gonna Do Now

2007-08-30T09:11:00.001+02:00

Not that I am complaining... :)
but having worked nearly every day for the last few weeks, I say:
* it's fun, but tiring
* makes time fly
* is no good for a blogger...

Add it up with the fact that I moved again (this time hopefully for a bit of a longer period then last), plus the usual daily stuff which unfortunately has to be done, it's not really surprising that there wasn't much left for writing....

But, as I said, I am not complaining.... it's just that my brain seems not to function that well, making it kind of hard to decide what to do in my spare free time, so...

(here's to Joss),

Tell me what we're gonna do now....

Sinking feeling

2007-08-26T15:35:00.001+02:00

(Sunday Scribblings)

This sinking feeling

For when it hits me
out of the blue
for when I can't see
the dearest vision of you...

How to confront myself
with the passion of love
how to ignore these dwells
and stand high above...

To look is all I have to do

when abandoning my cries

right in front of me is you

and I get lost in your eyes....

J

Dear Diary, I want to be Forever Young

2007-08-19T10:20:00.001+02:00

(Sunday Scribblings)

When I was young, I kept a diary. I think I was roughly at the age of 14, 15 when I started writing in it. I remember very well what my first diary looked like: a little but thick book, of which the outside was covered with Chinese silk, mainly red with a green and black pattern. Unlike most diaries, it had no lock. And that's what, in the end, caused its death.

I used to poor out my heart in that way. Being a teenager, and a girl (which makes a difference generally, as girls at that age can be quite over the top with their emotions), I thought writing about my life would help, expecting a huge change soon to come. Why was that? And what was I expecting to change?

Looking back, I so much more understand why I kept the diary, why I mainly wrote about boys, boys & boys and how disappointed I quite often was. At first it may sound silly. A diary is supposed to be secret, if only a little, right? It's yours and yours only and for no one to be read apart from you. And if the hypothesis is that writing it is going to help you sort your (love-)life out (or at least create a clearer view on it), it is a very good thing to do. But somehow, I wrote my diary with a sort of weird hope that others would read it, and of course would act on it and then, everything was going to be alright....

Childish behaviour, but then, I still was one. Nowadays, I know what I was hoping to achieve wasn't silly, but the way how, I got it all wrong. You write a diary for yourself. And if you are honest and true, you get a pretty good look at yourself. And if parts of that don't make you happy, or pleased, or whatever, you can maybe track back the if's, why's and how's so you learn from your mistakes, miscalculations, misunderstandings...

But you can never expect someone else to be responsible for your downsides, bad habits, weak points or ignorance. Even when you think they caused it, it is still you who is able to stop or change it; and if you can't you'll have to work on your emotional response and act on it, or (depending on the matter) don't act on it.

The last half year or so, I have been more and more convinced that this is the path to follow on your way to happiness. To love and be loved. Maybe it was coincidental that I started to write this blog? Isn't a blog quite often an adult version of a child's diary? Again, this "diary" is written with the hope others read it. But now, I do not have the expectation that someone else will act on it and "clear up the mess I've made". Now, I want to do that myself.

It's just that sometimes I wish I was that child again. And that somebody would have shared this knowledge with me so I would have had a complete different diary. One I would have kept, so I could read it again when I would be older. Then, afterwards I would close it and start a new diary.

The opening words?

Dear Diary, I want to be forever young….

Be

2007-08-15T08:55:00.001+02:00

The mind can see,
As long as you'll be,
For real with yourself,
And you'll forever be...

How close the meaning of these words above come to me...

This is the real truth, written down in 4 simple lines; yet it may be the hardest lesson of life. If you think about it, it's easy to say you want to be honest and open to yourself but doing it as well... you will have to read between your own lines, dig deep, and be brave enough not to ignore your image of the mirror you're looking at: your soul, your heart. That is the real you.

To hold that image up high, show the world who you really are and with the courage to let see you accept yourself, the consequences and your responsibilities, with all your ups and downs, your positive sights and the negative ones, that will be the most rewarding, beautiful and enriching goal of life.

Then you'll forever be...

J

Grace

2007-08-14T09:16:00.001+02:00

Previously I said I was going to explain something.... which I will, but not at this very moment... It will take some time to write and that's exactly what I am short of right now: time...

So, this is just one for no specific reason other than I just like it,

Jo

And I called your name...

2007-08-12T10:09:00.000+02:00

Wish I had the guts to tell you all about the specific reason for this post's choice of music...

Will try to with the next post... for now, I just want to hear this song again, and leave you guessing.... :)

J

Goosebumps

2007-08-11T09:36:00.001+02:00

(Sunday Scribbling)
Does my skin respond in a exaggerated way sometimes? Although I mostly don't mind, I think it does. It depends, of course, on several matters. But the main trigger is who's touching it...

After that it will be the atmosphere around "us". Preferably not too much light, nearly dark if possible but a slight glisting of a few candles would be nice. Temperature not too high, if it's a little cold it's ok, my body will adjust easily anyway.

And then there's the finishing touch... background music. Loud enough to cover all the unneccassary sounds, apart from "our" whispers that is. It will surround "us" like it was specially made for the moment.

These experiences are treasures in my heart. I cherish them. Play that specific song for me and I'll close my eyes and voila, it is there again. You, me, the moment. And I am suddenly aware that raised skin is all over my body, making me shiver.

That to me, my friend, is the perfect explanation in the case of "me with goose bumps"...

(Hey, do you remember, one of the first times?)

J

Weapon Of Choice

2007-08-08T15:24:00.001+02:00

"I think no matter what I did -- if I was a cook, if I was a writer, if I built houses -- I would try to make it unique somehow. Give it a stamp." -- Christopher Walken

How I just love the video of Fatboy Slim's Weapon of Choice in which Christopher Walken is performing as only he can do it. He's one of my favorite actors, quite often known for roles of "baddies", 'cause he can give you this excellent nasty look and give you the shivers when he speaks slowly about horrid stuff. But he can do more than that, and this video is a good example. He can dance too. Apparently he did some serious dancing before he got famous as an actor. Well, you can tell when you see him moving around.

- - - - - - -

Today I became angry. Without going into details, I don't feel good about it. Even though I think I had the right to disagree with the person in question, I feel that I lost control and that's exactly what I didn't want to do. It wasn't that I was screaming and shouting or anything, I just got a bit negatively excited and was somewhat sharp with my vocabulary. My words were my weapon. My weapon in a situation that I fear is becoming a war.

I made the wrong choice. I used my "weapon" the wrong way. I should have done what I intended to do (and have been doing successfully a number of times before): to use only kind words. To remain calm, to be able to "read between the lines".... people who are aggressive, even if only with the things they say, may be driven by hurt, pain. They may not notice it themselves, the effect of what they're saying. They may see no other way to behave as they do.

Next time, I'll try again. I won't give up. And one day, I know, I can do it.

J

Life

2007-08-06T10:50:00.000+02:00

Out of bed very early this morning, and apart from how I was woken up, it was worth it. A beautiful morning, all you could hear were the birds singing and chatting away, the sun was out and the sky amazing.

And as I stood there outside, still feeling and looking rosy, I once again realised how breathtaking life can be. My body started shaking, not heavily, but enough to feel the warmth of love running through my heart and soul.

Everybody has the right to feel what I felt this morning. Give yourself the chance. A start to achieve it could be by reading this.
If nobody else does, wake yourself up. I can tell you, it is worth it...

J

Take It Easy with Decisions

2007-08-04T09:12:00.000+02:00

Relax
There is an answer to the darkest times.
It’s clear we don’t understand but the last thing on my mind
Is to leave you.
I believe that we’re in this together.
Don’t scream – there are so many roads left.

Relax, take it easy
For there is nothing that we can do.

(this week's Sunday Scribblings)

Decisions.... how I hate them. Though I try to make sure that most of the time people think that I am the type that "knows what she wants", "goes for it" and all that stuff, the opposite is quite often more the case.

Well, it's not really that I don't know what I want and/or don't go for whatever "it" is... it's just that my lack of self confidence now and again wins and that's when the doubting hits me. Panic, worries, questions and lots of "what if's" fill my head and if I'm not careful I start playing hide and seek. Unfortunately, I'm very good in hiding....

I started to think what kind of positive twist I could give to this hiding business. I know I should try to fight this seemingly instant reaction (stop hiding, face the music, deal with it!) but that's easier said then done and knowing me, it will sometimes be too much to ask from myself. So why won't I take little steps at the time and have more chance of 'success'? The good thing about hiding is that you can allow yourself to take a look at yourself and the situation you're in, without having this feeling of pressure that you have to handle it right there and then, and oh by the way, don't make any mistakes!!

So I hide, take a step back and....

relax, take it easy.... all is so much different when you give yourself the opportunity to see where you are and what you're in without letting stress overtake the important moments of your life.

Mika has it right with his latest song, don't you think? Hey, I might even start appreciating the fact that I have the chance of making decisions...

J

Plug it in

2007-07-26T15:08:00.001+02:00

Being Dutch, I think I should now and again do a bit of promotion for some Dutch bands/singers. That's if I like their music of course... Krezip is definitely one of them. Especially this song, I love it, love it, love it.... it's so cheerful, great to get you into a "weekend-mood"!

Plug it in and turn me on!

J

Roger Hodgson-You Make Me Love You

2007-07-25T09:25:00.000+02:00

Sitting there with an extremely big smile on her face, just staring in the distance, not knowing how to describe that feeling in her heart, her head, her whole body actually.... all she knew was that it was there, this truly warm and sensational feeling and that it was growing, slowly but surely, day by day. It nearly frightened her, that process that seemed to be uncontrollable; no way she could stop it. Just as well, she didn't want it to stop anyway...

All these confusions, the wonderful emotions, the fear of lack of control and at the same time this craving for more. She then suddenly realised that it was ok.

It's all right. You make me love you....

Gregorian shivers

2007-07-23T09:12:00.000+02:00

Covers of existing songs can be awful, an humiliation for the one who wrote and/or sung it before... but some of them are sometimes even better, or just a good try, or make the song a complete different version of the original.

This last option goes for "My Immortal" - Gregorian style. It's one of my favorite songs anyway, and this gives it a very unusual twist... love it!

J

Wicked Game

2007-07-20T19:10:00.001+02:00

(Sunday scribblings)

What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way

Wicked.... one of these words of which the meaning can be different, depending on moods, situations, feelings. It can be positive or negative. Good or bad. Weird or normal. Strange or familiar.

If in your life, there's a connection between Wicked and Love, you've got to remember Chris Isaak's expression of games (wicked) people can play....

J

Wonderful

2007-07-18T09:29:00.001+02:00

And you want to travel with her
And you want to travel blind
And you know that you can trust her
For she's touched your perfect body with her mind.

I can't think of another voice that has the same special, touching sound as the one of Leonard Cohen. It's quite unique. I like nearly all his music, but some songs are just so warming, comforting... like "Suzanne".

I just love it....

Hair - Sunday's Scribblings

2007-07-14T08:51:00.001+02:00

Probably the most vunerable part of how I feel about the way I look. Forget nice clothes, cool boots, beautiful make-up: your hair determines your looks. Seriously, I'd rather walk down the street naked but with the knowledge my hair's ok then the other way around...

Don't know about the "walking around naked" - bit, but most people will agree: your hair is special, typically yours. Which reminds me....

J

Antonio

2007-07-10T09:25:00.000+02:00

Did I ever mention one of my favorite actors, Antonio Banderas? Once I think, but here I go again.

It's actually not just because of his acting, or looks, his eyes, the way he talks (even when you can't see the real Antonio but only to hear his voice when he's, for example, playing the role of a cat, is great). It's the combination of those factors with his singing ability. Why is it, that we don't hear more about that?

As the Phantom he was amazing, so was his part in Evita! It is one of my most beloved movies; not just because of his appearance in there. Madonna did well playing Eva Péron, the whole set up is beautiful, the story dramatic, and from a historical point of view a very interesting part of the 20th century.

Hard to choose which song to post here, the whole movie is full of great music, but I give it a shot with High Flying Adored.

Love Stoned

2007-07-10T08:43:00.000+02:00

To be honest, I actually don't care what the majority of people think about a certain artist, singer, actor, whatever. Then why do I often have the feeling that I have to apologize when I mention one regarding something I really like?

To me, the result of what this specific person/persons produce, is mostly what counts. It can be touching, striking, triggering, uplifting; why let it be influenced by, lets say, the looks of somebody? Or the opinion (whether it's true or not) of someone else?

An example is Justin Timberlake. I am not even going to mention what "others" think about him. Some of his songs are catching, this is one of them. And that's what it's all about.

J

Slippery

2007-07-08T20:34:00.001+02:00

You ever have that feeling? That time is slipping away?

Quite often I think time is slipping away; generally, life goes its own way, mine always seems to be in the fast lane anyway. But time spent behind the PC goes even faster, don't you think? Before you know it, cyber-time-slipping slapped you in the face and yet again, you realise the day has progressed quicker than you wanted it to.

During one of these cyber-time-slipping moments I stumbled upon this site,
Sunday Scribblings; what a great idea they offer (check it out for yourself, if you want). So here's my scribbling about the topic of this week.... Slippery....

And when I was thinking about this subject, Talking Heads came up in my mind. Slippery People, remember? And as I am always looking for "the story behind...." I found a very good explanation on this site (of which a short quote, but you can read the rest of it via the link):

It’s a song about severe psychological disorder…it’s a song about a man who has difficulty feeling comfortable in even the most typical daily situations, but so what? Many Talking Heads songs fit that description…
-
The song opens as he taunts himself…as his mind reminds him of a hazy failure past…Fallin’ on your face? You must be havin’ fun…, and then it segues directly into a tense plea for self-control…Walk lightly indeed. He’s considering taking some sort of action…against himself? Against somebody else? Someone specific? The next person who starts a conversation he can’t finish? Put away that gun, he says, bargaining for control over himself…This part is simple.

The man can’t even take a bath without being tormented by personal demons and the fear that he will one day drift so far from reality that nobody will be able to reach him…Cool down…stop acting crazy…they’re gonna’ leave…and we’ll be on our own…

If you’re not careful, he might even convince you he’s alright, that the Lord don’t mind, and those slippery people will be more than happy to see you through.

Well, there's not much more to add here, right? Enough talking about it, enjoy the musical scribbling...

J

Ping Pong

2007-07-05T10:33:00.000+02:00

I tried to figure out why a "silly sound" like this one of a ping pong ball, can trigger my immediate attention. Now I can fill up this post with all sorts of psychological reasons and/or weird explanations but let's keep it simple this time:
I just like Enrique Iglesias.

J

It's My Life (for the sake of love)

2007-07-04T12:03:00.001+02:00

The beginning of love
is to let those we love be perfectly themselves,
and not to twist them to fit our own image.
Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.
.....Thomas Merton

These words, to me, are so true... yet the meaning of them is probably one of the hardest ones in life to practise, to receive, to fulfill. But the first step to feel what is meant here, is to start with yourself. If you want others to let you be who you really are, then you've got to show it them. It takes a lot of practise and asks a lot of you, but you have the right to do it,
it's your life...

J

It's My Life
This ain't a song for the broken-hearted
No silent prayer for the faith-departed
I ain't gonna be just a face in the crowd
You're gonna hear my voice
When I shout it out loud

It's my life
It's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just wanna live while I'm alive
It's my life

This is for the ones who stood their ground
For Tommy and Gina who never backed down
Tomorrow's getting harder make no mistake
Luck ain't even lucky
Got to make your own breaks

It's my life
And it's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just want to live while I'm alive
'Cause it's my life

Better stand tall when they're calling you out
Don't bend, don't break, baby, don't back down

It's my life
And it's now or never
'Cause I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just want to live while I'm alive

It's my life
And it's now or never
'Cause I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just want to live while I'm alive
'Cause it's my life!

4 in the morning

2007-07-01T07:10:00.001+02:00

Some songs, even when heared for the first time, give you this really special feeling. They have a big 'wow'-factor. Gwen's latest is one of these.

I think I said it before but gosh, isn't she amazing. This song is maybe not what you expect from her, but like all of the other ones she does, it sticks in your head and won't leave!

Well, at least you now know what to do when you're alone at 4 in the morning...
J

Idealist

2007-06-28T09:29:00.000+02:00

A few days ago, on my way to town, I was listening to the radio (what's new?) and heard Gangsta's Paradise again. I love it, it first of all reminds me of Grandmaster Flash & The Furious Five with The Message, a rap song out of my younger years (duh...), of which I knew the full lyrics (yes, really!) and used to sing it so many times that it drove my mum crazy. Secondly, I love it's stimulating you to think about life for some people these days. I'm lucky enough not to live in a massive city, with loads of unemployment, poverty, drug problems, etc. The song's about (kids) growing up and living in places like that, and how it effects their chances in life.

Along with the song, came "Dangerous Minds" (probably the other way around, whatever). A great movie about this teacher who tries to do her job at a school in a similar neighbourhood as described above. It's a true story. Of course, it's a movie and therefore less realistic than it actually was, but still, it is good. And the main character is played by Michelle Pfeiffer, an actress I highly appreciate.

Anyway, via Wiki I eventually ended up checking out a site, owned by the person behind this role of Michelle, and it was an interesting read. But most interesting of all, I was yet again hit by the fact that when I surf the Net searching for several sources of info (without the intention to search for a specific item, I mean), I end up with sites that are actually about my hot topics in life. This time it was ADHD. (Which is a very hot topic in my life, whether I like it or not, as I am driven by it. Literally).

Reading one of the articles about several "disorders" and temperament, I came across the link to do this online test, and hey, guess what... :

this is me...

Idealists, as a temperament, are passionately concerned with personal growth and development. Idealists strive to discover who they are and how they can become their best possible self -- always this quest for self-knowledge and self-improvement drives their imagination. And they want to help others make the journey. Idealists are naturally drawn to working with people, and whether in education or counseling, in social services or personnel work, in journalism or the ministry, they are gifted at helping others find their way in life, often inspiring them to grow as individuals and to fulfill their potentials.

Idealists are sure that friendly cooperation is the best way for people to achieve their goals. Conflict and confrontation upset them because they seem to put up angry barriers between people. Idealists dream of creating harmonious, even caring personal relations, and they have a unique talent for helping people get along with each other and work together for the good of all. Such interpersonal harmony might be a romantic ideal, but then Idealists are incurable romantics who prefer to focus on what might be, rather than what is. The real, practical world is only a starting place for Idealists; they believe that life is filled with possibilities waiting to be realized, rich with meanings calling out to be understood. This idea of a mystical or spiritual dimension to life, the "not visible" or the "not yet" that can only be known through intuition or by a leap of faith, is far more important to Idealists than the world of material things.

Highly ethical in their actions, Idealists hold themselves to a strict standard of personal integrity. They must be true to themselves and to others, and they can be quite hard on themselves when they are dishonest, or when they are false or insincere. More often, however, Idealists are the very soul of kindness. Particularly in their personal relationships, Idealists are without question filled with love and good will. They believe in giving of themselves to help others; they cherish a few warm, sensitive friendships; they strive for a special rapport with their children; and in marriage they wish to find a "soul mate," someone with whom they can bond emotionally and spiritually, sharing their deepest feelings and their complex inner worlds.

Idealists are rare, making up between 20 and 25 percent of the population. But their ability to inspire people with their enthusiasm and their idealism has given them influence far beyond their numbers.

Maybe for some a lot of blah blah, and maybe it is, but I found it rather amusing. Apart from my own personal fun and interest, I couldn't help linking this to Michelle Pfeiffer who seems to be a real Idealist to me. Quite a lot of the films / movies she's done are not about the most regular or usual topics, and even if they were, she played her roles so outstanding, that 'usual' becomes 'unusual'. Generally, films with Michelle are good ones.

Coming back to "Dangerous Minds" and the idealistic touch on the story: even though the real version of it is slightly different, the message is quite clear.
If only there were more people who have such a passion for what really means something to them, and use their passions, believes and hopes for a 'better world' and go for it... would we then end up living in paradise, but without 'gangsta's'?

J

Cúchulainn

2007-06-21T16:33:00.001+02:00

I've never been to Ireland, but hopefully, one day I will. I love the UK and its variety of country side, and I think Scotland is one of the most beautiful places I've ever been. But for some reason I feel it's incomplete, I just have to try to visit Ireland sometime.

When I was a kid, I had horse riding lessons. I remember I was just so excited about it. We use to live right next to a park, which was great fun anyway, and I walked my dog in that park every evening. But in the middle of the area there was a horse riding club & stable, and I can imagine myself again when, in the summer, the lessons took place outside and I could watch it from the side.

Remember those childish feelings of jealousy? I just stared at the girls who were lucky enough to have parents with lots of money (in a kid's eyes anyway) who could pay for their daughters wish to ride horses.

I don't remember exactly the ins and outs, but my parents did not have the money to provide me with these lessons. But they did have friends, a couple of 2 gay men (which was, for those days, quite amazing when you would have known my parents, who were very religious and there was no such thing as "gay" allowed usually). Again, I don't know exactly why, but I was offered the opportunity to have horse riding lessons, and they would pay for it. I vaguely remember that I had to achieve something before I earned it, but anyway, I seem to have managed because I had quite a lot of lessons. And it felt like a dream come true.

That's when I first got the wish to go and see Ireland. I remember when, after the lessons, I went to the canteen to go and get a drink. And while I was waiting for my turn at the bar, I used to look at the magazines that were there. Inside was lots of advertisement for horse riding holidays, and mainly in Ireland. Breathtaking photographs of people on horses, making their way through the hills, heading towards the sea shore, where they wouldn't even have to urge the animals to a higher speed, as the horses already smelt the salty water and started to gallop to feel the waves.

Of course my daydreaming was smashed to pieces every time I drifted off and spoke out my wishes. My parents didn't have the money for stuff like that, and my two "gay uncles" were nice but not able to provide cash for luxury holidays for kids. And when I was old enough to earn cash myself, it just never happened. But the dream remains.

Years ago, when in the UK at my former parents-in-law, I sat behind the TV and watched a video G put on. It was a recording of Riverdance, the Irish performance that was originally composed for the Eurovision Song Contest (I think), but was such a success that it was made into a full show which went to theatres worldwide. It was amazing.

At some point there was this bloke, Davy Spillane, who sat down on a chair on stage, on his own, and started to play the Uilleann pipes. I was absolutely gobsmacked. And I knew instantly that this piece of music was going to be played at my funeral. (So when I'm dead and you visit my last farewell party, you'll hear it, and if not, nobody bothered to read my will, nor took notice of this post).
But as said before, this dream is still here, so before I pop off, I really would like to go there and ride a horse through the shorelines of the Irish beaches.

Until then, I don't mind combining one thing with the other, and use my originally funeral music for some daydreaming instead. See if you like it....

(and for those who are interested: Cúchulainn is a good example of one of the greatest Irish folk legends around).

J

Innocence

2007-06-20T07:29:00.000+02:00

Outside ideas of right doing and wrong doing there is
a field. I'll meet you there.
~ Rumi

Innocence

is a term that describes the lack of guilt of an individual, with respect to any kind of crime, sin, or wondering.

(Children are usually considered to be innocent and to gradually lose this attribute through maturity by gaining knowledge of the adult world).
source: Wikipedia.

For I never want my loved ones to loose their innocence.

J

Connie

2007-06-17T07:40:00.001+02:00

I always have loved to watch those 'talent-shows', Idols, The X-factor etc. While I hate the whole overexcited scene's around it, the build up along the way towards the finals is great. First of all, you're being served with great comedy watching the first few rounds, as you get to see the most embarrassing, hilarious and dread full performances of people who actually think they're the next Kelly Clarkson or suggest they could fill in for Robbie in Take That. Yes I know, it's a sad way of taking the micky out of star-wannabees. But sometimes you've gotta do what you've gotta do.

After that, the tears of laughter are replaced by a simmering excitement, as the ones who make it through the next rounds, are slowly winning your heart (or not) because they actually can sing (or not) or at least prove that there's something special hiding in there. All they need is a bit of Simon Cowell and off they go...

The last episodes are quite often no good for social life, as you constantly argue with family and/or friends about who should win this competition, and why, and why not?!??! When the show is over, you have to get yourself out of the habit to plan your whole week around the TV times-schedule, telling you exactly when you will be available for your kids, partner and so on, but mainly very clearly when not.

In that way, it's a good thing that I don't watch TV anymore. Frightening sometimes when you realise what kind of effect it can have on human behaviour and socializing habits. And as I sometimes still regret that I can't follow up all these fun things on telly, I rest in the assurance that when worse comes to worst, there's YouTube.
That's how I found Connie.

It's not only the sweet little face of this girl which attracted me to watch the video. It was a combination of that and the likely hood of another great comment of Simon, plus the title of the song which was "Somewhere over the rainbow". All together something I couldn't resist and I pressed Play. The next few minutes I was staring at the screen, probably with my mouth open and completely taken by the amazing sound of that little girl.

I realize it all depends on one's mood, the way one can think about Simon Cowell or little people who perform like miniature Eva Cassidy's whilst they should actually still play with their favorite dolls. But I find it hard to believe that there is someone who cannot be touched by watching this little treasure who's been found somewhere, over the rainbow...

J

Everything

2007-06-17T07:34:00.001+02:00

I have to say that when I heard this one at first, what I thought of it would be kinda rude to post. It sort of automatically headed towards the category "elevator - music", which, if really unlucky, will end up in my vomit - section. But something happened to stop that process and what that "something" is, I have no idea, but it did a u-turn and sprinted into the direction of my favorites.

Michael Bublé. Every time I hear this song of him, I'll find myself singing along and only find out about the ridiculous loud volume when it stops. So if this is for others still "elevator - music", I will quite happily spend a few hours a day in high buildings.

It's got everything I sometimes need to cheer me up.
J

Smooth

2007-06-14T11:35:00.000+02:00

Smooth... there is something about the word alone that makes it so, well .... smooth really. There are lots of words you could use to try to describe it, like soft, sensual, but nothing gives me the same little sensational feeling when I hear this specific word. Weird maybe, but whatever.

One of my favorite songs of Santana is Smooth, which gives a sexy dimension to the word itself, don't you think? Some women go for chocolate, some for diamonds and pearls, and me? Just give me something smooth...

J

Love Bites

2007-05-31T10:27:00.001+02:00

'Shocking' to know that this one is from the late '80-ties, so about 20 years ago! Which was also roughly my age when I heard it for the first time, and gosh I loved it. Still do actually. You never get too old for stuff like this, especially when it brings up memories of the days when I was young, "wild" and... of which I don't want to think about too much as it WILL make me feel old...

J

Dream About Me

2007-05-29T09:17:00.001+02:00

When she woke up, it was just starting to get light outside. She could hear it was raining. Another day was waiting and she knew she had to get up.

But before she did, she closed her eyes again, just for a moment, and recalled the moments she didn't want to let go. Like a vision, it was there... With a smile on her face, she stretched her body slowly and got out of bed. Another day was waiting.

But she longed for the coming night already. She wished it was dark, late and time for bed. 'Cause then, she could relive those moments again, but much longer and intensive then just before. For now, all that was left to do, was waiting.

While the day moved on, she found herself more than once whispering some words of this particular song, that seemed to be repeated numerous times in her head.

"Babe, ooh dream about me,

I wanna be yours
I want you to be mine
Against red skies, for long time"

J

Addicted

2007-05-27T12:04:00.001+02:00

There's music that makes me weak. It all depends on mood, situations, experiences etc. of course, but the soft spot is always touched. And I can't help it. I don't know what went wrong when I (and so my brain) was created, apart from the ADHD-thingy. Apparently a group of silly cells decided to stick together and form a part of my mind of which I cannot seem to get any control of. In fact, quite often it takes over and controls every single bit of my thinking process. Some sort of addiction really.

Now, this has some plus points. Especially when I feel good, happy, sexy or similar, it is great to be able to let yourself go, if possible that is. Don't we all have our moments when we hear a specific song and voila, we're back in those days when we .... well, did whatever we were doing whilst whomever was singing whichever song. Ah, memories...

Don't know about the sad and bad memories though. Mostly ones you DO NOT want to think about anymore, you prefer NOT to be reminded of and you, most certainly of all, don't want to go through that situation again. Ever. Even if it is only a memory. One thing leads to another and before you know, you're crying your eyes out again and feel the urge to go out and look for him/her and kick their ass anyway. Which you should have done years ago. (But didn't).

And then, there are the "in between's". Not perfect but not too dreadful too. The wishing, waiting, wanting moments. Memories that even despite the fact that maybe what you were wishing, waiting and wanting for didn't happen, still brings a smile on your face and makes you wander of... Some of those can actually be applied to several different occasions. A form of multi- functional use of emotional reactions from the brain (which is great, as for me emotional reactions can be quite an exhausting exercise).

So, to give you an idea, the following song is one of these. It triggers me to step out of daily life routines and sit back & smile, thinking about what happened. (Or didn't).

J

Stupid

2007-05-26T07:59:00.000+02:00

I woke up this morning with Robbie Williams. Not literally of course, but in my head. Together with Nicole Kidman, singing 'Something Stupid'. Lucky me.

Although most will call it weird, I think it's quite amazing how the brain, in this case mine, works. Especially considering it's early morning. The idea to wake up with Robbie may seem pretty stupid enough, but that he is actually singing about stupidity, makes it suddenly rather clever!

I hate being called stupid. Like probably everyone hates it. (You're not stupid, right? And if you are, there's only one who can call you stupid and that is yourself). What is it that makes you so hacked off when someone calls you stupid... and what exactly does stupidity mean? Maybe we get so wound up about it because our ignorance stopped us looking any further and we might have missed the complete answer to that question.

Well, you'll be pleased to know that according to Wiki, stupidity is not all that bad. It actually states it as a quality! Ha! And yes, I know there's a wide explanation for the word 'quality', but still, it's not a negative approach. Part of the article says :

So the quality of something depends on the criteria being applied to it. Something might be good because it is useful, because it is beautiful, or simply because it exists. Determining or finding quality therefore involves an understanding of use, beauty and existence - what is useful, what is beautiful and what exists.

So most of the time, the feelings that appear when called stupid, are right. You disagree, because you feel or think differently about something. Your criteria is not the same as the person who is telling you you're daft.

'criterion (plural criteria)

A standard or test by which individual things or people may be compared and judged.'

Let's be honest, these standards or tests are only there because a majority of people has roughly the same opinion about a certain matter. But that doesn't mean it is the one and only truth! And it certainly doesn't rule out the possible value of your criteria.

Anyway, I'm drifting off, as I was only trying to make clear that waking up with Robbie Williams and Nicole Kidman isn't stupid at all, not to me, on this morning. I actually think I had pretty damn good reasons to wake up singing with Robbie. I was even more convinced when I read the following quote in the same article:

" The stupider something seems, the more important it probably is. "

Now I can't be ignorant to that, can I? That would be just so stupid.

J

Back to basic

2007-05-25T09:53:00.001+02:00

Spending days now without Internet access available whenever I want, makes me realise how much influence it has on daily life. Thank God I didn't have to go 'cold turkey', as now and again I can nick someone's computer for a while but still, it feels like going back to basic life. You know, the days when you read the newspaper early in the morning, instead of Google News... when you were waiting for a letter to be delivered by mail, p-mail that is, postman-mail instead of e-mail. That kind of business...

Hopefully in a few weeks time I'll be fully online again. There's nothing wrong with basic but no internet is horrible. The words "Back to basic" reminded me of one of Amy Winehouse's songs, a great one... back to black.
J

The phantom of the opera

2007-05-17T20:21:00.001+02:00

Bl.... annoying with no internet access, so every time I want to check mail, blog or whatever, have to go out and ask nicely, (sometimes rude if nice doesn't help... ;-)) to borrow someones PC etc.
But when times are rough (duh), there's always Antonio.

My gosh, if I could have the chance to spend just a few hours with him, I would quite happily sacrifice another couple of weeks without internet. But no more than that, and he's married anyway.

J

The Sweet Escape

2007-05-16T13:08:00.001+02:00

Gwen Stefani is one of those women who really impresses me. I admire the way she stands up and performs. Just gotta love her songs... a sweet escape from the common....
J

I Saved The World Today

2007-05-10T09:43:00.003+02:00

While I normally like to link between music and my moods, this time there's nothing more to it than just that I really like this song.
And I like Annie Lennox.
And I would like to save the world but that's probably a bit too much ... well, who knows....

J

Don't forget your dreams!

2007-05-09T11:01:00.000+02:00

The importance of dreaming
(take 1, for the serious - mooded readers of today):

"The key to realizing a dream is to focus not on success but
significance - and then even the small steps and little
victories along your path will take on greater meaning".
(Oprah Winfrey, O Magazine, September 2002)

The importance of dreaming
(take 2, for the less serious - mooded readers of today, who may take life less serious but that doesn't mean YOU should take them less serious too):

- this is what xkcd thinks of it (great site btw)

J

The fun (sometimes) of being an outsider

2007-05-09T10:05:00.000+02:00

Right. You are the big birdie and the rest of the world is represented by the small ones, ok?
;-)

J

Attention, attention!

2007-05-08T13:30:00.000+02:00

About 40 min's ago or so, I signed in to my blog account to write a new post. Usually, before I get to that, I check out some of my fav sites/blogs (see list of them somewhere in the sidebar).

This time, I didn't get far. I got stuck at Flea's blog and that was it. And, like I said, it's 40 min's (or so) later. Now I am a bit of a Flea-fan (huge actually, but I don't want to give any of you the impression that I'm getting a bonus out of this or something), which means:

I check her blog very often,
which also means that when there's a new post, it doesn't normally take 40 min's (or so) to read it (unless she's doing her "months of email-catching up"-round).
none of that this time, her post was somewhat of a confession...
and that means: good news!

Apparently a few members of our beloved blogging society have had a baby! The delivery went very well and the name of this newborn is

~ OFFSPRUNG ~

Check it out, isn't it a beauty?

J

Puzzle

2007-05-07T12:32:00.000+02:00

I remember when I was a child, there was this puzzle that I had been working on for a long time, well maybe not that long, but considering the ADHD brain it was for me most certainly a VERY long time. All would have been fine, if not for the fact that in the end, I discovered there were 2 pieces missing. Do you know how frustrating that is, especially for a kid, that you can't finish it? It felt like I had completely waisted all my time.

It's funny how the same situation is different when you're about 20, 30 years older. This time the one who is completely blowing it all out of proportion is not you, but your own child. Of course you understand its frustration, and the loudly expressed tantrum that follows (most likely you actually see yourself as a child again). After an impressive escape from being hit by the carton box of this puzzle you perform a vague attempt to calm down your very hacked off child. Not that you think it helps, but hey, you're a mother (or father) so that's what you do. You show some understanding and you tell him/her it's not the end of the world.

Probably it's better, that it doesn't help right away. You've gotta learn to realise yourself that there are worse things in life than an incomplete puzzle. The only thing a parent can hope for is that these attempts of comforting and explaining, will in the end help a child to be able to understand, out of its own feelings and emotions, what is really important, or not.

If only growing up and learning to deal with likewise matters of life, was 'as simple' as a kid's puzzle with a few missing pieces. It gets a lot more complicated. And as every person is different from the other, there are different ways and different forms of abilities in people in relation to this "growing up business".

You may think by now that I totally lost it, starting with a simple example of an incomplete puzzle and ending up talking like Freud. But what I actually mean, is that even complicated situations in adult life, can be approached like a puzzle with a few missing pieces. Obviously, I know there's a significant difference between for example a Teletubbies-puzzle and an ending relationship, but maybe, just maybe we should actually try now and again to go back to childhood and see the world a bit less complicated. Maybe we should give ourselves the chance again to have a more innocent look at life.

'Cause maybe, when confronted with incomplete puzzles... we might have a tantrum, throw a little fit, or whatever... but then, like being comforted by our mother,
we are able to calm down, understand, accept. And deal with it. The small advantage of adulthood is that we've hopefully developed enough of our Theory of Mind, so this dealing is done to our best intentions, for the ones around us, as for ourselves.

(I probably go too far with suggesting we could let this immaturely be followed by insisting we need an ice cream to feel better , right?)

J

Make A Memory

2007-05-07T07:06:00.000+02:00

Not much time right now, but just had to post this one as it is very good, to my humble opinion. Very, very good indeed.... but very, very bad for melodramatic moods...
(before you know it, you've spend far too much time on reliving your own memories, as you realised too late that you've been listening to this song for the last 3/4 of the hour because of that bloody repeat-button)

J

Bon Jovi - Make a Memory

Hello again, it’s you and me
Kinda always like it always used to be
Sipping wine, killing time
Trying to solve life’s mysteries

How’s your life, it’s been a while
God it’s good to see you smile
I see you reaching for your keys
Looking for a reason not to leave

If you don’t know if you should stay
if you don’t say what’s on your mind
Baby just breathe
There’s no where else tonight we should be
You want to make a memory

I dug up this old photograph
Look at all that hair we had
It’s bittersweet to hear you laugh
Your phone is ringing I don’t want to ask

If you don’t know I’ll understand
If you stay, hey, I’ve got a plan

You want to make a memory
You want to steal a piece of time
You can sing a melody to me
And I can write a couple lines
You want to make a memory

If you don’t know if you should stay
And you don’t say what’s on your mind
Baby just breathe there’s no where else tonight we should be
You want to make a memory
You want to steal a piece of time
You can sing the melody to me
And I can write a couple lines
You want to make a memory
You want to make a memory

Why don't you like me??!

2007-05-06T09:16:00.000+02:00

Can't believe I didn't post this one before... from the moment I first heard it, it has given me the shivers; it is just so good. Not to mention Mika himself, I mean, look at him. I'm sure he had other reasons but it's fairly obvious to me why he named the song 'Grace Kelly' instead of something like 'Why don't you like me', which is one of the repetitive lines in the lyrics.
'Cause, hey, I like him! Find it hard to believe that there's someone who wouldn't like him, to be honest.

Which is rubbish of course. Everybody has at least one (or more) person in daily life who doesn't like him/her. And don't we all know somebody whom we don't particularly like? It's natural, normal and ok. What isn't ok is that some of us (me, for example...) go out of our way to try to be liked. Even when we should know better. Even though we know it doesn't work like that.

Nobody really wants to beg around, just for the "Ah, great! They like me!" - feeling. It actually means that they dislike the real person you are, but if you adjust, reshape and compromise yourself a bit (or more) here and there, you might just have a chance that they do like you. And that is rubbish too.

These people are not worth it. No matter how much you like them, you cannot change the way they look at you. The only thing you can do, is to be yourself. And that you're damn proud of who you are too. Easier said than done, but if worse comes to worst, you can always try to be like Mika.

J

Do I attract you?
Do I repulse you with my queasy smile?
Am I too dirty?
Am I too flirty?
Do I like what you like?

I could be wholesome
I could be loathsome
I guess I'm a little bit shy
Why don't you like me?
Why don't you like me without making me try?

I try to be like Grace Kelly
But all her looks were too sad
So I try a little Freddie
I've gone identity mad!

No Good

2007-05-03T15:12:00.001+02:00

Ever had the feeling that people think you're not up to much? You don't fit their standards? No matter what you do, it is never satisfying or good enough to make them happy, or at least acceptive.

Most of my life I've been juggling with this, trying my hardest to please everyone around me, whether it was in private matters or work related. What an idiot I was... it's an impossible task. But most of all, I had seem to forgotten one person specifically: and that was myself.

Although pleasing yourself can be translated in different ways of behaviour, most of us know, deep down, how important it is and how you can please yourself without ignoring the ones who deserve to be pleased as well. I truly think that you fail miserably to make someone else happy, if you don't take care of yourself. In the end, you end up being depressed and feeling down most of the time. Assuming the ones around you, do like / love /care for you, it seems pretty difficult for me to make someone happy when you are thinking rubbish of yourself.

I am changing recently, even though it's damn hard. One thing is dealing with compliments. Instead of immediately turning them down, I try to believe them and tell myself to be proud. Funnily enough, this time seems to be "perfect" for practising. I don't think I've ever been in a tougher situation like this before, and people are telling me things that I would have considered as complete and utter bullshit before.

Apparently, I look good (well, a lot better compared to what I looked like over the last few years). I know what I want and work hard to be able to reach my goals (to be honest, knowing what I want is still a bit of an unstable fact to me, but the rough lines are there and hopefully I can soon set up the final plan). Time is short this morning, so no more examples but it is just to give an idea.

But one thing's for sure: think good of yourself. Believe in and have trust in yourself. Once you've got that going, you can be good for someone else.

A bit of sarcasme can't do much harm though, that's why I fell for Amy Winehouse's song... Once in a while you'll find yourself in a situation where you think:

-You Know I'm No Good-

J

Back again

2007-05-01T22:56:00.001+02:00

Had a really nice weekend in Berlin. Missed the boys but it was nice to speak to them on the phone. Back at O a lot was changed, moved around, moved out etc. but still a mess. Oh well.... the mess I can handle, it is harder to see most of the animals have gone.

To miss is a difficult emotional feeling. Something that's hard to control. It's not only the boys, there's more; some of it I can deal with, some of it is not that easy... Got to be careful that it doesn't drive me crazy... This song of Katie Melua is approaching it in a lovely way.

J

RIP

2007-04-25T08:24:00.000+02:00

April 30th, 2007
Silence can say more then a thousand words.

This day shall unite us all about this unbelievable painful & shocking event and show some respect and love to those who lost their loved ones.

On April 30th 2007, the Blogosphere will hold a One-Day Blog Silence in honor towards the victims of Virginia. 33 died at the US college massacre.

The Blogosphere is in deep mourning.

All you have to do is spread the word about it and post the graphic on your blog on 30th April 2007. No words and no comments. Just respect and empathy.

http://www.onedayblogsilence.com/OneDayBlogSilence.com.html

J

Next step - good step

2007-04-24T14:12:00.000+02:00

O my... today the next step of the big jump - preparation appeared...: I have a (temporary) house!

Pictures above are to give you the idea of what it looks like (the middle two are of the "hofje" where I am: left is the front view of the entrance and right gives you a peek into its garden).

What goes on in my head now, is bloody difficult to explain. In fact, explaining it is that difficult that I won't even bother trying. The mixed feelings are a bit overwhelming. To get my thoughts straight, I need to let it sink in.

But a brain working at high speed sorting out its emotional state, doesn't necessarily mean that it's all depressing; (well, it might be) but to block the most depressing thoughts, why not try to cheer myself up a little bit. With the usual recipe, of course.

Now, this time it's rather different than what you would expect. Yes, it's Michael W. Smith, and yes, he's religious and makes worship-music, but this is just SO uplifting!! Every time I hear it, it makes me feel good. Or at least feel better.
And hey, ~love me good~, that can be applied to anything and anyone, right?

And now you just have to excuse me, I'm going to try to feel good.
J

Earth Day 2007

2007-04-22T09:43:00.000+02:00

Did you know it's Earth Day today?

Several sites to visit related to this, the links I used are just some of them.
J

link 1, link 2, link 3

I'll be your love

2007-04-22T08:53:00.000+02:00

As said before, I was somehow really intrigued about the band X Japan. A bit of googling provided lots of info; unfortunately the first I discovered was that one of them died: Hide. Of the remaining members one specifically is still very succesful and that's Yoshiki. Of what I've seen, he goes through life without the wild hair style now, but he hasn't lost any of his talent. Gosh, he's great! He writes beautiful music but most of all I love the way he plays the piano.

Found an absolute lovely proof of that on YouTube. The woman who's singing is Nicole Scherzinger of the Pussycat Dolls and they're performing together with the Tokyo City Philharmonic Orchestra. The original was with Dahlia, but couldn't find the video of that. It is part of Yoshiki's solo project called Violet UK.

I love this song, especially when I feel like I do now.

J

ONE MORE...

2007-04-20T16:19:00.001+02:00

One more time, one more chance, one more try...

Tell Me 'Bout It

2007-04-20T09:46:00.001+02:00

If you wanna get in the mood, this will most probably do!

J

Humps & Lumps

2007-04-19T11:08:00.000+02:00

(Conversation with myself)
Let's face it J, life is crap. Well, at the moment, anyway. And crap is not really the proper word to use here, but moody mood swings are present and cause this somewhat sarcastic state of mind. And hey, as I am talking to myself, nobody hears it, right? So stop worrying about the words I use, ok?

So, as life is crap, I should do something about it. Having said that, "doing something about it" is actually causing more crap right now. But the purpose of it all, is that the crap eventually will become less and may even only be this nasty but tiny spot on the background. The getting rid of crap (-feelings) asks a lot of me, and I think that I need some good stuff to keep me going.

The reason I'm telling me this happens to be, again, a "guilty feelings-one". For god's sake, I had a good evening right? Why feel guilty about it?! I did something I have been wanting to do for a while now:

I had a Tai Chi lesson.

It was one of the best things I've done for a long time. This was only the first lesson, but it left me wishing I'd done it much sooner. One of the many facts I noticed, was the awareness of myself. I couldn't see myself but I felt every bit of my body. This is actually for another post, but there's just one more thing I have to say: every bit of my body meant also: every hump and lump of my body. Funnily enough I couldn't be bothered. In fact, when cycling back with Motek and Mad-hd, I was constantly thinking about Alanis Morissette's extremely hilarious cover of The Black Eyed Peas' original so, in terms of "some good stuff": have a laugh (and please, don't feel guilty about it)!

speak to you soon,
J

How about that for a quicky!

2007-04-19T10:35:00.000+02:00

There's a lot to say about Elton, mostly positive stuff if it's up to me, but even if you aren't really into his music, this vid must impress you (I assume). Bloody clever, funny and creative song writing. And I thought I was quick, sometimes far too quick with words...

J

I'll be watching you, again...

2007-04-18T16:27:00.000+02:00

This might just explain it a little more...

J

ps images like this should be forbidden

I'll be watching you...

2007-04-18T12:46:00.001+02:00

Remember my weak spot for Robert Downey Jr.? If not, then you should feel guilty about not having read the whole blog ;) If you do, then I don't have to be embarrassed about the following:

Top Synergy Group Jo and Robert Downey Jr.

I knew it. Robert and I would make a great couple. I mean, gosh, look at the figures! That says it all, right? Just a bit of a shame really, that he doesn't know this. Oh well, as long as I do, I'm ok with it.

OK, I'll cut the crap now and it's back to reality. This was just one of those silly tests you'll find on the net, and I thought that the results were hilarious, but good enough to share it. Found it via one of these Google ads, whilst checking out one of my favorite clips of Ally McBeal. Mr Love is singing together with Sting the classic "Every breath you take". Don't need much imagination for a bit of fantasizing... I'll be watching you...

J

Opportunity, (short story on how thinking could become acting)

2007-04-17T15:35:00.001+02:00

Tired, very tired; not physically though, more tired "upstairs" as she would call it. That's how she felt. Drained. But still, it surprised her how strong and powerful that same tired head motivated her to continue. Aware of the flashes of fear, uncertainty and worries, all trying to get rid of the brave attempts to build up self confidence, she kept on telling herself to focus on this motivating force and not to waste it. For this might be an opportunity that doesn't come around often.

The last few days had been very hard and, she realized again, she still instinctively felt the need to defend and prove herself. Instead of aiming her thoughts to the ones who (she thought) gave her this feeling, she worked on the thoughts themselves, trying to figure out why they were there in the first place. It wasn't an easy thing to do, but this was all part of learning to deal with her own responsibilities.

When you realise that you are responsible for your own life, including the consequences of these responsibilities, you find there are a whole lot more opportunities than you would think of. And if you feel instinctively that they could help you to become what you want to be, should you waste them?

J

A lover's gentle whispers

2007-04-17T12:43:00.000+02:00

Leaning against the wall in the pantry, I looked up at the row of cabinet doors above my head and slowly gulped down the sweetish liquid from the can. Granted the can was not chilled and the fizzle of carbon dioxide would surely force a few involuntary burps later, somehow it felt like it was the perfect moment to savour it as though I was drinking honey and nectar. Away from the hustle and bustle of the open concept office as well as the tons of emails which sat in the inbox – pleading for my attention first before a torrent of threats surfaced – I nursed my drink and allowed my mind to go blank for a few minutes.

***

The week started with the slim hopes of a budding romance. “Perhaps it could be ideal,” I told myself as I fantasised about being part of a couple sitting side by side on a swing or dangling our legs at the breakwaters by the sea while we, in our hearts, wave goodbye to the sun. “Perhaps it could happen,” my thoughts continued as I imagined putting my fat arm around her shoulder, tilting my head towards hers and allowing the wandering strands of her hair to gently brush my nose, leaving me with a faint hint of the scent of her hair. And there, we would sit in silence, absorbed with our own splendour and awe of God’s everyday gift to man.

The dream scenario would dissipate whenever the sinister thought crept into my head, stating how nothing has happened yet and perhaps in her head, my name, my face, my features and my voice were never that prominent to begin with.

***

“You know, we may just sit in silence, but still enjoy each other’s company.”

She smiled. “And we need not read each other’s thoughts, and still we know.”

“Perhaps we are being too idealistic? The house of cards may simply collapse with the tiniest force, like a gentle breeze,” he articulated his thoughts without going through the censor which “resided” in his head. Such was his comfort level with her that this usual process was bypassed.

“Why don’t we just enjoy these moments for what they are worth? Who knows? We may quarrel the next day and initiate a breakup,” she was as pessimistic. “Maybe this is the realist in me speaking.”

He reached towards her and held her hands. Slowly, he pulled her to his side.

“You are right, we should,” he whispered into her ear. Her world felt secure with his arms wrapped around her and as she lay her head on his chest. As always, a tingling sense of warmth came over her as she felt his heartbeat. She often wondered if he ever felt hers and thought the same way as she did.

A long silence followed as she gazed at him and he, at his fingers, as they gently caressed her hands.

Old and boring? Forget it!

2007-04-16T14:05:00.001+02:00

Now this is a cracker! And as I am nearly old and sometimes lazy, I'll quote Oskpeturs writing (from YouTube):

The oldest and greatest rock band in the world - meet The Zimmers and their amazing cover of The Who's "My Generation".
Lead singer Alf is 90 - it's quite something when he sings "I hope I die before I get old". And he's not the oldest - there are 99 and 100-year-olds in the band!
The Zimmers will feature in a BBC TV documentary being aired in May 2007. Documentary-maker Tim Samuels has been all over Britain recruiting isolated and lonely old people - those who can't leave their flats or who are stuck in rubbish care homes.
The finale of the show is this group of lonely old people coming together to stick it back to the society that's cast them aside - by forming a rock troupe and trying to storm into the pop charts.
Some massive names from the pop world have thrown their weight behind The Zimmers... The song is produced by Mike Hedges (U2, Dido, Cure), the video shot by Geoff Wonfor (Band Aid, Beatles Anthology), and it was recorded in the legendary Beatles studio 2 at Abbey Road.
Look out for the single being released from May 21 - with proceeds going to a good cause.
And check out more photos and info at:

www.myspace.com/thezimmersband

I thoroughly enjoyed watching the video, although it leaves me with mixed feelings... it's ab fab seeing those "old people" have such fun, even being naughty (the end bit is classic!). But at the same time it's quite sad that this is what they have to do to get a bit of attention... makes me want to sing along with Alf - I hope I die before I get old

So I hope everyone is going to be naughty too (again/as usual), and use this link to
copy&paste / publish / tag / post / and what have you
to create as many referrals so even the Google-people get nervous.

I mean, wouldn't it be great if this one hits the pop charts all over the world??!! They deserve it!
J

Still Standing

2007-04-16T06:37:00.001+02:00

One of the most difficult sides of making major decisions in life, is the feeling that you have to defend yourself for choosing them. I specifically say "feeling" as in fact it's something that doesn't necessarily have to be part of it. Most of the time, it's all down to yourself really. Which is easier said then done of course.

In general, it is up to you whether or not you allow these feelings in and/or have influence on what they do to you. Not that I am such a know-it-all in these matters; far from that actually. I have quite often been led by my seemingly instinctive defence system, at times even before people had said or done anything, just because I was worried/frightened that they would.
Looking back on life, I totally understand how I created this self defence side of me. I always found it hard to cope with that gut feeling, and I think that might cause that one tends to look for somebody to blame. In my case, that wasn't so difficult. Since my childhood there have been plenty of those around. But is that fair?

Call me whatever you like, but at nearly 40, I still strongly believe that everybody starts life with a good heart. Depending on their development and experiences in life, they turn out to be what they are, or do a very good job on hiding that and protect themselves by putting on a mask. For some, life is more a survival of the fittest. If you take that into consideration, it is a little easier to try not to blame someone.

So recently I've been trying hard not to be defensive, and not to blame someone, apart from myself at times. To be able to do that, I've got to act out of a different thinking process. (But that's something for another post...) I'm certainly not there yet and, although it feels that (especially at this particular phase of my life) I'm being 'tested' to the extremes, I am not giving up.

Like I said: definitively not there yet, and I'm so tempted sometimes to go back to my usual habits... But then, there's always a little kick in the butt to keep you going, and that's good... even if it's my own rebellious butt...

J

You could never know what it's like
Your blood like winter freezes just like ice
And there's a cold lonely light that shines from you
You'll wind up like the wreck you hide behind that mask you use

And did you think this fool could never win
Well look at me, I'm coming back again
I got a taste of love in a simple way
And if you need to know while I'm still standing you just fade away

Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I'm still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind

I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah, I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah

Once I never could hope to win
You starting down the road leaving me again
The threats you made were meant to cut me down
And if our love was just a circus you'd be a clown by now

If only

2007-04-15T13:29:00.001+02:00

We women, or at least a lot of us, love/need complaining about the lack of understanding by men, or at least by most of them, especially when it comes down to PMS. And as that PMS-business hits us, women, every month again and again, we'd like to have the right to complain about PMS itself and the lack of understanding for this by men too. And yes, over and over again.

Unfortunately this complaining doesn't really help, does it. And we all know why. Because the lack of understanding is not the only lack they have. Instead of discussing all their other lacks, disabilities and what have you, I am pleased to announce that there's hope for us (and for them as well, even though they don't realise it yet). Finally we can help them, without any hassle, to understand our PMS.

Now, let's wait until the other 999 types of this miracle remedy come on the market too.
Gosh... doesn't the future look bright for us...!

Way to go, Monthly Man!

Yesterday

2007-04-15T08:02:00.001+02:00

It was one of those days I wished I could skip. Just to be able to close your eyes, hide under the covers, fall in a deep, deep sleep and wake again the next morning. But of course, c'est non possible, so instead I tried to ignore those little bastards inside me, telling me to break down and cry. In the end I went out, I just couldn't hang around here and get my thoughts straight at the same time.

Ended up in town, bought myself a book about Buddhism, had coffee on a pub terrace, visited some friends and joined them for dinner (as I can't resist dear Motek's Tabbouleh Salad). Afterwards we were terribly lazy on the sofa, the peace and quiet felt gorgeous and we had a few nearly silent giggles (for a change).

I had to go home at some point, so after a while I did. As I drove back I heard this song on the radio, another (new) version of Coldplay's Clocks. A great one with a Cuban twist (by Rhythms del mundo). And I even managed to get a smile on my face.

Hasta la vista, baby...
J

No Promises

2007-04-14T07:29:00.001+02:00

Not much to say about this song really, only that I just really like it. Very good for one of those moody moments. I think 2 years ago Shayne Ward won the UK version of X-factor and after that he did this song, which was nice but then I noticed the original. Bryan Rice does it very well, it was apparently released as part of the soundtrack for a Danish TV-series called Nynne.

When I saw the clip, Nynne was added to my "I want to see that - list". Quite often these type of fairly unknown producings (outside Denmark, in this case) are worth while watching.

But coming back to the song, what makes me weak starts already at the beginning:

"hey baby, when we are together,
doing things, that we love..."

Ok then...
J

Love's Divine

2007-04-12T10:25:00.000+02:00

The value of a second chance is worth not be underestimated. Does this nr. 2 even sometimes prove to be better than the first time?
Second chances are much broader as well, as with another attempt they don't necessarily need to be followed by third, fourth and so on. Second covers all, if you like. The third chance is just a second try of the original second one.

While this may sound like a load of mad results from an early morning brain storming session, it actually means that you can decide to think twice. Coming back to 'another way of asking', it may be exactly what it is. When the first time didn't provide you with what you deep down inside asked for, you could rethink your question.

No matter how painful it was before, give yourself a second chance. Or a second-second... For there will be that moment, you get your question right. Seal got it right too; if he can do it, so can you*.
The answer you'll get, may be much more divine then you ever had before.

J

* as long as you don't expect a klone of Heidi Klum or something...

Then the rainstorm came, over me
And I felt my spirit break
I had lost all of my, belief you see
And realized my mistake
But time through a prayer, to me
And all around me became still

I need love, love's divine
Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind
Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name

Through the rainstorm came sanctuary
And I felt my spirit fly
I had found all of my reality
I realize what it takes

'Cause I need love, love's divine
Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind
Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name

Oh I, don't bet (don't bend), don't break (don't break)
Show me how to live and promise me you won't forsake
'Cause love can help me know my name

Well I try to say there's nothing wrong
But inside I felt me lying all along
But the message here was plain to see
Believe me

'Cause I need love, love's divine
Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind
Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name

Oh I, don't bet (don't bend), don't break (don't break)
Show me how to live and promise me you won't forsake
'Cause love can help me know my name

Love can help me know my name.

Love doesn't come first

2007-04-12T08:34:00.000+02:00

The silence grows bigger. It has been a relatively silent week. Perhaps on one end, there are many blessings to count. On the other, the gnawing, growing silence compels me not to.

There isn’t much to cheer about actually. Life goes on in the most mundane of circumstances. There are taxes to file. Stuff to work on. Problems to solve. In the middle of it all, something feels missing. A gaping hole that yearns to be filled but because it depends on me and me being a man of inertia, it doesn’t look like things will end anytime soon.

I’d love to love. Just that it isn’t happening to me. It hasn’t happened for the past years of my life. And I think it probably won’t. Not in the short term anyway.

***

I wasn’t expecting to see something new on her site. This stemmed from the impression formed because she hasn’t updated it since February. Yet, on a casual round of surfing this morning, I saw this:

“Twinkle Twinkle Little Stars

For a very short time, the stars in my sky were once lighted up very brightly but now, they have all died and fallen. Two months ago, I was at Harbin, the weather was minus 20 degrees celsius. I thought it was cold but I realised the inside world of my heart was colder. Last night, I had a very bad gastric pain but I realised I felt more pain in my heart than anything else. Our heart is a very interesting organ, I wonder will mine ever stop working at the rate it is going. I miss the lighted stars but they are all gone now.”

Poignant and only because there were moments in our lives when we shared the same view of the stars above. Back then, they probably represented the future, which was shrouded from us. The stars were brimming with specks of twinkling lights that seemed to be telling collectively that “the future’s good, the future’s bright and the future beckons”. Being in our twenties, we haven’t weaned ourselves off the habit of being impressionable and we took whatever impressions we had back with us, believing that the future’s ours.

Life changes in a split second, let alone eight long years. I believe we loved each other then and we were just short of making it official. Now the stars are just dim. Probably it is because we no longer share the privilege of staring into the same night sky together anymore. Or probably it is because we now find ourselves busy with our own little lives in the middle of a city where the buzzing lights of buildings, streets and cars have all but blocked out the little shimmering of lights from distant heavens. Then somewhere, somehow when we look up to the sky and see the fuzzy impressions of a star, the tingling sensation of pain surfaces, remains and gnaws before it fades away.

At the same time, the pain reminds that the love may still not be lost. That the embers, long turned into ashes, will somehow burn again. That all it takes is a step forward…

Memories can do cruel things to a mind sometimes. Perhaps that’s why many would rather choose to forget.

If anything, I haven’t had the sky lighted up for a long time already, but the pain, albeit already faint, remains.

Lief (-my love, be with me-)

2007-04-11T07:40:00.000+02:00

In terms of 'aesthetic music' again: here's one of my favorites, this time in Dutch (so aesthetic-bit actually only applies to the non-Dutch speaking). But it is a perfect example really, of how beautiful something can be, without even fully understanding it.

As I say "fully", I'll tell you a little bit what it means, as it's, now that I think about it, so applicable to this blog's name. The person who's singing is going to make a major choice in life, not knowing exactly what the result of that will be, how he'll do it, or why. But he knows it is the right thing to do, as his heart and soul tell the same story, asking the same question. And he wants to share his destination with the one he loves ("lief") so he is reaching out and asking to be hold and joined along the way.

It's a question in its most pure, bare form. To be able to ask your love to be with you that way, is a true blessing.

J

Bløf - Omarm

"Have you seen the light?"

2007-04-10T07:01:00.001+02:00

My youngest son has had this obsessional admiration for cars since he was about 1 yr old. Anything on 4 wheels was, and still is, holy. Two would do as well, as long as it had a motor attached to it. But his all time favorites are the ones with flashing lights and noisy sirens: police cars, fire engines, ambulances, etc. It's not really surprising that, now 7 yrs old, his most beloved film is The Blues Brothers.

I mean, if you were him, what more could you wish for? It's full of cars (and macho men, highly appreciated by him as well). Scene after scene there are police cars chasing Jake & Elwood, and the best are the ones of course where the lot of them crash into each other.

BB has always been a great movie, one you could watch often without getting bored. But it's even better when sprog nr. 2 is sitting there watching it next to you. All the famous lines, he knows by heart. It's extremely funny when, after seeing one of the police cars end up upside down, he says: "They broke my watch!". Or, when two cops make this enormous free fall in their car, they look at each other in disbelief and this adorable child of mine jumps up and says: "I've always loved you..." Perfectly timed as well. Hilarious.

Before he goes to sleep, he lately has created this habit of watching a bit of BB in bed. So there we are, lying next to each other, having a real good BB-time. The only things that are missing are black hats and sunglasses.

I don't mind this habit. It could be worse, you know. I'd rather have to watch this, then Pokémon or Action Man. But when it comes to choosing a favorite scene, I'd go for the one in the Triple Rock Baptist Church. It's with loads of people singing and dancing to this great performance of James Brown. But the best is when Jake's going loose and my son screams:

"Have you seen the light?!"

(And all I have to do is look at him and get blinded by it).

J

Jake: The band... The band!
Reverend: Do you see the Light?
Jake: The band!
Reverend: Do you see the Light?
Elwood: What light?
Reverend: Have you seen the Light?
Jake: Yes, yes!

Chrysanthemum Flower Bed

2007-04-09T11:48:00.001+02:00

I have a problem with my priorities. Well, not the priorities themselves, but with setting them. But actually, thinking about it, it's society and not me, who has a problem with (and how I set) my priorities.

So, in terms of the positive thinking attitude,
I do not have a problem with my priorities.

I don't wish to ignore society's problem with regard to that, and I will try to compromise if possible. But if, to my honest opinion, I do no harm to anyone or anything, neither to the priority itself*, I should not be negatively affected by it (which is not the same as "I can't be bothered", although sometimes that is how it seems).

* quite important as well, otherwise why call it a priority?

Good, that's out of the way then.

I've got no problem with priorities. For that reason I found myself searching on YouTube for this song DW mentioned in his post, instead of clearing up laundry, cleaning the bathroom or sorting out my admin (+ the rest).

And I found it! Jay Chou - Ju Hua Tai. Beautiful song. Yes, it's in Chinese, but no, that doesn't matter, in case you don't speak the language. To amplify this opinion (which I wanted to, so I did some searching, which meant a pile of ironing just had to wait, 'cause that's what setting priorities is all about, right?) Wikipedia has a good explanation about aesthetics. You don't always need to understand the lyrics to be able to feel touched by a song.

Quite useful, this Wiki-thing. You can learn something you want to know about with an instant click (in this case also learn that you thought you knew, but you were wrong (there goes my "knowledge", that Chrysanthemum originally came from Europe, out of the window).

J

update: apparently some visitors were not able to read this post with a tiny bit of humour, stating I have irresponsible opinions.

I've got no problem with these visitors. ;)

Introducing DW (and his part in my context creating)

2007-04-09T08:57:00.000+02:00

The skill of writing is to create a context in which other people can think.
--Edwin Schlossberg--

Since I can remember, I've had this affection for writing. As a child I used to love putting things on paper and then watch to see what people thought about it (me). When they liked it, I felt great. Which is a good thing, if the written paper represents yourself, whenever it's a made up story or not. It motivates you to learn to create your own context.

But in my case, it was quite often about a "made up - me". Looking back, it was all about this little girl who only desperately tried to feel accepted. As I was far too young, I couldn't really put my finger on it, but there was always this feeling that, to others, I seemed not quite on their level. Somehow I just didn't fit in, and for a long time (in reality terms) I never met anyone whom appeared to understand.

But every now and again, I could find myself this match, this team member if you like, that made me feel "to be one of them". Unfortunately, "they" were never real. They were characters in a book. Like my "made up - me", they were just creations on paper, results of other weirdo's in their crying attempt for acceptance. When watching a film, it could have the same effect. If one of the roles in the movie felt right, I wanted to identify myself with it, even though it wasn't for real.

Although never fully 'adapted' to nowadays society, I grew up and was more or less able to at least pretend that I did fit in. It was barely a choice though, it was more of an only option to keep my head above the water. I was lucky that on rare occasions I met such a 'match' in reality. They caused this extreme happy feeling, that I could be the real me, an existing me, not a 'fake J'. But as with all friends (the matching ones and the near), they come and some of them go. And when you're not able to deal with them leaving, you're left with emotions that frighten the life out of you.

Thank God that I've learned the ability to cherish these matches, also when they're gone, or not a visual part of your daily life anymore. I (try to) look back with gratitude, instead of regrets.
It also makes me realise that those people that are still part of my life today, are so important to me. I want to cherish them in the same way. And I do my best to show it, when I see them.

But what if you find another match, a written representation of one, but a grown-up version this time?

A while ago, I was trying to get an explanation about something, Google-searching on the net. I (of course) cannot remember exactly what I was looking for but I stumbled upon one of these rare occasions, a written match, for a change in cyberspace. In terms of the Law of Attraction again, this was right on the spot. What I do remember is that the next hour or so was spend on reading the entire site. (And believe me, with an ADHD-brain like mine, that is a real compliment)!

I won't go into details about what this perticular match means to me. The only thing that matters in my explanation for this, is that it just proves that we all have the right to be yourself. That we can enjoy other's lifes even though you're not 'a daily and/or visual part of it'. That opinions, confessions, values and meanings of others can be shared, accepted and respected, even though you sometimes might not agree on it, or think otherwise. It is something that is worth being cherished. There's no need for me to explain, you can find out for yourself.

So here's to DW, the person who matched my writing voice. Someone I've become very fond of, who's a great talented writer, and makes me just want to get to know him better. Letting him being part of the conversations between me, myself and I is an honour.

Kurt Cobain's "Rape me" is a good way to introduce him to my other matches.

J

Won't understand and perhaps you'll never will

2007-04-09T03:28:00.000+02:00

Been listening to a particular Jay Chou song recently. It's titled "Chrysanthemum Stage".

Was not too much of a Jay Chou fan in the past, but he blew me away with this particular song. It has the classical elements of traditional Chinese music coupled with great lyrics of melancholy. Of course, the MV wasn't much to shout about, but listening to it incessantly is good enough.

I feel like I can immerse myself in it, together with my emotions. No, not that I have been feeling out of sorts. Just that life is chugging along at the moment. It's one of those things where a slight push in any direction could potentially give me a taste of heaven or get me crashing down to earth.

There is no real joy. There may be laughter but they rarely originate from the deep recesses of my soul. It's one of those superficial ones that you react to when you hear a lame joke or when you have no choice but to be patronising. It has been a long time since I last laughed from my heart and am genuinely happy.

There is sadness. Not the overwhelming, overpowering type that brings me a step closer to being depressed, but one that somehow simmers in the background, threatening to swallow me up once a trigger is detected.

Of course, hide these emotions I must. There are words I shall not speak. Observations and emotions I shall not share. A voice that will not betray my thoughts. Not when there are vindictive people around who will use whatever they have to tear one to shreds. Or that perhaps there is nothing much beyond the assurances of concern and "I do care" rhetoric.

Even when I was in the depths recently, I found no listening ear. In years past, they would bristle with desperation and threaten to knock me down when the loneliness gets too much. Yet, over time, I learnt and adapted. Through that process, my heart became wrapped tighter with cynicism and the strong belief that all men were born evil. When you expose your heart, you are creating an opening for people to come in and f*** you all up.

I guess that's how Kurt Cobain came up with the song "Rape Me". A long time ago, when I posted the lyrics on my site, people were asking what strange song was that. However, unless they felt it immensely themselves, they would never ever understand what the song was about and how things in life can drive one towards such emotions.

***

So here I am. Running away from my main site. Trying to find a new place where I can just write out my thoughts without bringing judgement onto myself.

So thanks to J for hosting me.

Calling all angels, LOA too?

2007-04-08T08:57:00.001+02:00

Keep on asking and it will be given to you; keep on seeking and you will find....

Funnily enough, this phrase is mentioned in the Bible, which, at first, is not such an obvious link with one of Lenny's most beautiful songs, Calling All Angels.

But to me it is. Confusing maybe? Result of over-enthusiastic creative thinking? When thinking with a narrow mind, it probably is. Not to judge the "narrow-minded", as I think that society these days tricks you that it is better to deal with that way. But drop the limits of your thinking-process, and see the beauty of a creative mind.

I was brought up in a religious family. Details are irrelevant here; but as with everything, it had an effect on how I developed in life. To cut a long story short, it left me somewhat disorientated, this combination of fear, hope and failing ability to "believe". The unknown makes it hard to believe, so the easy option seems to seek for prove. But when proven, believing is no use to you anymore.

Along the way, I took from it what I thought was important: the desire to know, to feel, to wish, to love, to be aware, and most of all, to learn that in all these matters there is no such thing as 'failure'. And lately I discovered that you don't need any prove on this, apart from your own.

Life can be so impossible to understand. The more you think about it, the more complicated it becomes. But when you use your creative mind, it all starts making sense. And complicated thoughts, feelings and questions turn into challenges.

Slowly but surely I have experienced the last few months, that there is so much more going on in life, than one would consider. There are so many more possibilities than ever imagined, if only you allow yourself to think without limits. And what would seem as an impossible task, you'll find yourself dealing with it in complete ease. Ease, as there is no failure! 'Impossible' becomes a choice of possibilities in many different ways.

When I mentioned "creative mind", shortly after I found Ernest Shurtleff Holmes's writing on this site, which is extremely interesting. It will take some time to read it all, so can't even say that it represents, or not, my opinions. I need to finish it first. But so far, it has already touched me with many 'signs'. What makes it even more intriguing, is that it was written in 1923!

So here's to creative thinking.

My creative mind has brought me the experience of finding the first missing pieces of this complicated but beautiful puzzle. They fit precisely, they link perfectly. And they inspire me to start searching for the rest.

To love for the sake of being loved
is human,
but to love for the sake of loving
is angelic.
--Alphonse de Lamartine--

Hunger

2007-04-06T12:09:00.001+02:00

This must be my lucky day (well, in terms of finding music/clips). Again something I've been trying to get hold of for ages, which is quite difficult if you cannot remember the title.

(Horrible, this (lack of) memory of mine. In fact, I can't even remember how I actually found it just now. I'm serious, it's only about 15 minutes ago! bugger...)

Whatever, I've got it now so one shouldn't complain really. The original is an opera from Lakmé. This bit of music has been used an enormous amount of times, in several movies and TV-shows, and I think British Airways had an advert with the track. But maybe the most famous scene it's been played in is of The Hunger, with Catherine Deneuve & Susan Sarandon.

Doesn't that suit the music at its best? Hunger...

But this one's pretty too:

Finally I found it ! (The Bongo Song)

2007-04-06T07:30:00.001+02:00

Now and again, when I'm driving, this song is played on the radio. Heaven knows why, but it makes me behave like a 16 yr old. Well, maybe not exactly but certainly not like the average "coming up to - 40". It forces me (yep, I can't help it) to turn on the volume far too high and, as I'm still driving, move my body to the beat as good as I can (remember I'm behind the steering wheel).

And as Tom Stoppard says: "I think age is a very high price to pay for maturity", I sometimes just like to stick my head in the sand, and refuse to mature.

Must look pretty weird though; I don't really care whether or not people stare at me when I drive past (hard to ignore me, I always have the window open), but if even my boys, when on the back seat, hide their faces out of embarrassment and shout at me to stop acting like an idiot (according to them of course, this is so "NOT cool"!), they must have a point.

But hey, the volume is on max so I can't hear them (ha ha).

Anyway, I finally found out who's music this is, and YouTube was as willing as always to provide me with the video clip. My "advice" for these occasional moments: no matter your age, act like an idiot, it's just SO COOL...

J

Cleese, an attraction of fun

2007-04-05T07:17:00.000+02:00

One of the books I thoroughly enjoyed is this one, which is, apart from the fact that it's just very good, also quite special as it is a 304 pages long dialogue.

It is as if you're sitting in this room, together with Skynner and Cleese, listening to their interesting, sometimes heated but o so funny conversations about family life (and how to survive them; wouldn't we all like to know?!). It doesn't really matter whether or not you agree with Skynner's view on this subject. He's quite passionate with his knowledge and opinions about the psychological slices of life and John Cleese, well, he's just so direct, funny (and hilarious at times), that it will be hard to not enjoy this book.

The theory they talk about is a triggering one. It triggered me, anyway. Not that I think I can explain it to you in just one single post (as the book covers 300+ pages, I obviously can't even get close) but one of the basic "facts" they mention is as follows:

The people you live with, let's say your partner, your friends, you've apparently chosen before you actually even spoke to them, the first time you met his/her/them. It seems that we all somehow are attracted to persons, who've got (roughly) the same experiences, feelings and expectations of life. Again, this is a very brief statement of one of the many interesting and mind tickling topics in this book.

I finished reading it quite a while ago now but, funnily enough, it keeps coming back to me in various ways. Lately it "showed up" because it, again, matched with something else I read about: the law of attraction.

Now that's a subject which deserves a post (or even more) on its own, but it is worth mentioning it here just to give it a thought. If you think this will pleasently tickle your brain, you should definetely read the book and/or, if you like, check out the side of the LOA. I'm sure that when you google a bit, you'll find much more on these subjects.

Speaking about googling (and why I came up with John Cleese today): when doing my usual morning routine behind the PC, I bumped into a video which made me laugh, even though I hadn't even finished my coffee yet, which should say enough. (In terms of the law of attraction, coffee is probably constantly on my mind).
This sketch is full of self sarcasm which is so "attractive to me", in terms of LOA; more then enough to discover afterwards that I had half a cup of cold coffee in front of me. And that's just so unattractive...
J

Beautiful (what you discover whilst surfing YouTube without being judgemental)

2007-04-04T14:45:00.001+02:00

As said before, I tend to dwell in moody music in an attempt to grab myself back together again, after something sad/painful/nasty/etc. has happened. I wonder what I did before when there was no Internet yet. Of course, I actually do know what I did. But gosh, how I was able to satisfy my needs then, compared to now, I have no idea. Most of the time I am quite an easy person for others to please, or satisfy, whatever. But absolutely not for myself.

My demands towards myself are high, if not too high. Maybe that's to compensate what I lack from what I get (= ask for) from others. Silly really, 'cause you just make life more difficult for yourself. If anyone of you thinks about writing a psychological book for the mentally challenged, here's a great working title: "The art of asking - how to get what you want & need, and create the life you've always dreamt of".

On second thought, forget about that, I may write it myself.

But what I'm actually trying to say is that I constantly find that I can't see how one is suppose to help "the self", without any help from others. No matter how deep I digg in this black, dark, muddy but interesting hole which is called (the emotional side of) my brain, I just don't get it. There's always this need, this craving for a helping hand.

It has a nice, warm touch to it; you're not alone on this planet, you live your life with millions and millions of "others" so why not share it, deal with it together? But it hacks me off that I am apparently depending on those, which at the moment feels like all my decisions and what I try to make of them, depends on how they feel about it and what they do (or don't do) with it. Maybe not for the full 100% but their influences are there, right?

So while I was digging away, I also did some digging at Youtube. Now you get a whole load of crap there sometimes, and when aware of that, you quite easily flick through the search results without having a proper look. For some weird reason I decided not to do that today, and it was worth it!
X Japan's "Say anything" made me shiver and forget about "anything" the next 8 minutes or so.

Whatever you think about when you watch the clip, drop your (if any) judgemental thoughts, sit back and give it a chance. Behind the ridiculous hair styles, make-up covered faces, sometimes plain weird or mad behaviour and the usual bits of funny Japanese-English translation, this is (to me anyway) a most touching song played by a very talented Japanese band. At the very last bit the following text is whispered, one of the most beautiful I've ever come across with:

"I believed
If time passes, everything turns into beauty
If the rains stops,
tears clean the scars of memory away
Everything starts wearing fresh colors
Every sound begins playing a heartfelt melody
Jealousy embellishes a page of the epic
Desire is embraced in a dream
But my mind is still in chaos and..."

J

X Japan - Say Anything (Subtitles):

still, it hurts

2007-04-03T20:03:00.000+02:00

well, this got me quiet for a while (= impressive)

Just as good as well, as today was low, very low. Hope I'll fall asleep soon, tomorrow is another day...

J

=

MY IMMORTAL, endless hurts

2007-04-03T13:39:00.001+02:00

Why is it, that every time I think I finally understand the moody business, it feels like I'm being tested?

Why do I feel that I have to prove myself to this horrible voice inside me, again, when I felt confident enough to stand up and let it all out? Damn!

My head is filled with questions. Maybe I'm wrong, but who knows: is it part of the long road to the full acceptance of yourself? That you also have to accept that those feelings will never die? Immortality for the negative? Are the bumps in the road reminders of the vulnerable you, tortured by the bad and stubborn little demons in your head? And when you stumble and fall flat on your face, they turn to you like Anne Robinson and viciously say:

"You're the weakest link, goodbye!"

Oh well, if testing me is what they want, then let them (said with my brave face-mask on). When I get my act together, I'll fight back. For now, I have to focus on getting the strength back, without being disturbed or influenced by whatever or whoever is trying to do so. As usual, my fav recipe is used again to try to fulfill my needs. Suppose you can call that testing too.

And anyway, feeling weak is almost a pleasure with this Evanescence song...

Wasting Time

2007-04-01T17:22:00.000+02:00

lyrics - Snow Patrol Lyrics

The low part of the "up & down" feelings of these days, stuck its head up again. Not that I didn't expect 'going down' at times, but the 'up' was at one point so high, that it felt vertigo - like. To then find yourself a considerable amount of virtual metres lower is tough, even when predicted.

But you know what? Low was not the same depth as before. Neither was the height, actually.

Gosh, if that's what the vertigo feeling is all about, I will voluntarily spend the rest of my life on top of that sky scraper, enjoying the drowsiness, holding on to the swirl, causing my head to spin like mad. Like on a roller coaster ride, when the adrenaline is produced at top speed, and the nearly complete out of control feeling is actually the best you've ever had. The pauses in between are essential, so you can catch your breath before you loose it all, after which all you can say is "Wow...!". And "wow" to me is quite often the equivalent of "can I have some more please??"...

Obviously you can tell, I easily tend to get lost in my wow's of life. And when it happened, going down was like a crash landing after falling of those rosy clouds way up high. But the last time, even though the distance between those two was bigger then ever, the landing was a lot less rough. I won't say it didn't hurt, but I can sooth myself with some incredible wow-memories.

This was actually the first time that I felt I had a bit of control over the mood swings. Discovery: I cannot stop them, but if I try, I can have a say in it. Quite an optimistic view on the matter, I know, especially when it's a weak spot. But if I fail again, I know I've tried.

The way up could have been less high, but on this occasion I went for the ultimate, daring that decisions like this can be made upon no expectations. Realising this, it will slightly break your fall, and you are much more able to enjoy the wow-time on the rosy clouds.

You might think that without any expectations, you could be chasing the risky side of life. Some would even call it wasting your time. But from now on, I'll give it a shot anyway. And even if it means that according to them, I sometimes did waste my time, I can at least say:
"but WOW! Did I enjoy that!".

(All I have to learn now, is not to ask for more. Any suggestions?)

J

Face (with) the music

2007-03-31T00:09:00.000+02:00

My dear Motek completely disagrees on this particular subject (I already checked with her and she's quite clear about it: "he's just a bold guy"). Well, ok then. As most of the time I think she's right (she's just as weird as me but much more sensible sometimes). Yes, he is a guy (forget about the 'just' Motek!), and yes, he's bold too (which is a huge difference compared to "her guy", who's got the most beautiful long dark hair; most women would kill for such a hair-do). And although I find Chicken Man's (hair-) appearance definitely "worth it" (he would be a great model for LÓreal's commercials), I just can't help it: I think there are definetely a few extra's added to this guy, compared to men out of the "just another one-catagory".

Well, it's all a matter of taste anyway. Quite often the so called handsome blokes turn out to be absolute dick heads, and not only because they so obviously agree on being this handsome dude. A more or less 'regular type' can be just as, if not more, interesting to me. And I know, as in this stage of life not many dick heads think I am worth it. Damn.

But hey, there's nothing wrong with a bit of nice (male or female) visualization now and again, and particurarly this one: it comes with good music as well (plus the fact, whether you agree or not Motek, I think he reminds me of someone!).

In this matter, to face the music is not so hard to do.

What did Jim say?

2007-03-30T11:45:00.000+02:00

You know what the problem with real life is? There's no danger music!
- Jim Carrey

Now why didn't I think of this before??? Any idea how many times this might have made a huge difference in tricky situations?

And I just know, that for the next few hours my peanut sized brain will try hard to come up with a great invention. Duh!

J

To Shut Up or Not To Shut Up - that's the question

2007-03-29T05:50:00.001+02:00

Sometimes I just wonder, with important matters of everyday's life, how the brain, and in this case mine, deals with experiences. Don't know about yours, but this particular bit of my head is slowly but surely pushing me into this Hamlet-state of mind. Something like "To be or not to be?" but then slightly less dramatic.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't you suppose to learn from experiences? I know I am led quite often (if not always) by the heart, but WTF,

what's the reason for the being of the brain, if it's not doing what it's supposed to do?!

I have nearly always coped with this question in the same way. My recipe for this type of self medication is music. The ingredients may vary, as do the reasons for using this after wicked behaviour. I mean, listening to "It's my life" by Jon Bon Jovi will not always get me where I want (the 'I don't care, I'll do it my way' - mood). Nor will "I'm still standing" (Elton John) always retrieve the 'but I managed so far, so I feel proud' - voice in my head. And there are plenty of choices for the more 'sad' or 'sorry' kinds of dealing with this brain outlet exposure.

The allmighty "Oh no, I did it again" feeling.

(I prefer 'oh no' instead of 'oops' because before you know it, you've done a Britney and I don't want to end up with a shaved head).

One thing that applies to all of the ingredients, no matter what you wack in the bowl and mix up, the result should be listened to LOUD. And I mean really loud, so that nothing else will interfear and you are completely surrounded by the music. Unless you are driving of course, which asks for a bit of more responsible attention.

One of my favorites, and maybe especially whilst driving but for what reasons I don't know, is from the Black Eyed Peas. And it's multi functional too. Though there is sometimes nothing better than telling somebody else to shut up, it can also be used directed to yourself when you, again, messed up and wished for owning one of Harry Potter's wands: with a "Veni, Vidi, Vadi!" phrase you magically disappear, leaving your witnesses behind wondering what the hell that was all about. You just hope they'll forget or at least pretend it never happened.

But until I am accepted at Hogwarth's, I'll have nothing else to do than hit the volume button and sing along.

Love, and another way of asking for it

2007-03-27T08:42:00.000+02:00

I haven't watch TV for a long, long time. The odd episode of Dr. Who shouldn't count. And ok, I admit that now and again a very good movie is a way to shut me up and force me to stay put on the couch. But that's about it.

I somehow stopped watching TV for nearly 2 years ago now, and I haven't looked back since. Of course, surrogate screens make up for it; there's Internet, so checking Google News is the 1st thing I do early morning (after I fed the cats, led the dog out, made coffee, got my cigarettes, led the dog back in, sat behind the PC, walked back to the kitchen to get my pills which I of course forgot again, but hey that's were the pills are for anyway). I may be blond, but not completely stupid: I want to know what's going on in this world. So this type of news checking works for me.
In fact, it's a lot better as well, as I can choose whenever and whatever I want to see/read. The news is more than Bush, economical issues or Downing Street alone. If it wasn't for Google News, I would never have known that Anna Nicole Smith, whilst heavily pregnant and under influence of some sort of illegal drug, was filmed by her not-so-official-husband 3 months before she died (so that the whole world could see how lonely and sad she actually was). I mean, did you know that? You see? Just an example.

I do not miss TV, lets say for about 95%. The remaining part of 5% belongs to MMRSP (Missing My Really Special Programs). These programs vary in contents and importance, but nr. 1 is and has always been Ally McBeal.
I loved it. You could wake me up in the middle of the night, just by whispering "Ally...". But it became more of a problem when Ally's going-to-be-new lover was introduced to the series. It was Robert Downey Jr.

Now I am far from going all wild about actors/actresses, I mean you like them or you don't, some may be even admired, but life in the real world, or in my real world, doesn't look anything like theirs. But then you see Robert. And with Robert, things seem different.

I am certainly not going to explain all the ins and outs of "why precisely Robert, of all the men in the world, is to me the representation of Mr. Love", because I just haven't got the time right now to spend an extra 2 hrs on this post and I might probably bore you to death. (Hard to believe though, but if so, I'm afraid you need a (new) pair of glasses... I mean, have you ever looked into his eyes??)

Last weekend life wasn't easy; 'not easy' in this context are grown-up words for bloody miserable. Because of trying to stay ahead of this state of mind, the dramatic mood swings started to attack. To make things worse of course, I began thinking about Love. There are so many ways of 'being loved', but I realised that it never really occurred to me that there are also different ways of asking for it. Dramatic mood swings then turned into melo-dramatic ones, as I wondered whether or not I might have been asking the wrong Love-question all my life. The "there's no light at the end of this tunnel"-mood was trying hard to approach "just feeling bloody miserable".

But when times are hard, there's always YouTube. It comes close to a life saviour, especially for melo-dramatic types like me. It provides you with a never ending stream of vid's and music so you can create the most perfect drama setting for a good old melancholic crying session. And it's so much easier to look (=ask) for Love as well, instead of in reality. Just type the word into the search field and wow, see that? It's Robert Downey Jr.!

(just in case that he IS your type, you'll probably miss out on the lyrics completely, so they're here too. And Elton, not to be offensive, but thanks for swapping your personal appearance in this vid for Mr. Love himself)

I Want Love
Written by Elton John/Bernie Taupin

I want love, but it's impossible
A man like me, so irresponsible
A man like me is dead in places
Other men feel liberated

I can't love, shot full of holes
Don't feel nothing, I just feel cold
Don't feel nothing, just old scars
Toughening up around my heart

But I want love, just a different kind
I want love, won't break me down
Won't brick me up, won't fence me in
I want a love that don't mean a thing
That's the love I want, I want love

I want love on my own terms
After everything I've ever learned
Me, I carry too much baggage
Oh man I've seen so much traffic

But I want love, just a different kind
I want love, won't break me down
Won't brick me up, won't fence me in
I want a love that don't mean a thing
That's the love I want, I want love

So bring it on, I've been bruised
Don't give me love that's clean and smooth
I'm ready for the rougher stuff
No sweet romance, I've had enough

A man like me is dead in places
Other men feel liberated

But I want love, just a different kind
I want love, won't break me down
Won't brick me up, won't fence me in
I want a love that don't mean a thing
That's the love I want, I want love

I want love, just a different kind
I want love, won't break me down
Won't brick me up, won't fence me in
I want a love that don't mean a thing
That's the love I want, I want love