Love is not blind; it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less.

During the last couple of weeks, I was being told, more than once but by the same person, that "love is blind". This is not world-shocking news, I know, but what was shocking to me, is that this person who repeatedly said it to me, is the same who's proving it to be wrong! And I should probably even thank HWSNBM.

While he said this / his statement, all I could do was nod "yes I know...", struggling with sadness, tears, frustration, fear. And, until then, I thought that it was true anyway. I mean, gosh... the number of times that I've heard those words, I never even questioned them, 'cause they always come to you when you've just learned that the one you love, is either not interested, interested but not only in you, gay or married.
Apparently you were blind for all these so obviously present distinctive parts of character which didn't match or didn't combine with yours.
So at that moment, there is nothing as good as victimizing yourself. Put on some music guaranteed to start a stream of tears, pour your heart out and wish him hell. Or worse.

But no matter how sweet this tastes, like heavenly gorgeous caramel sauce covering your tortured soul.... it doesn't last very long. (And believe me, caramel sauce to me is the ultimate divinity! Well, when it comes to food related matters anyway).
And unlike with caramel sauce, the aftertaste is bitterly nasty and you realise it didn't help at all. Nothing turned into something more positive, and if you dwelled on the anger, hurt and frustration long enough, it only made life worse.

Sometimes it is just plain good to be melancholic and make yourself feel even more horrible then you did before. It may even be a way of "switching on" your self-healing mechanism, to start feeling better. But you only feel better when you go through the whole situation again, this time with an open mind and the ability to see everything, all signs, which were there before but you just didn't notice them. Or you even ignored them.

The only way in this to help yourself, is to look at this situation through loving eyes. The same love that made you be there with him/her in the first place.

Now the outcome may well be that you still feel the same about this person. But if you look closely enough, it won't be 100% the same. Part of it will feel different, because you realise that you not noticing these specific parts, caused the wrong interpretations, which were most likely followed by the wrong decisions.

Putting it all back to myself, I feel sorry. Sorry for myself that I wasn't able to see. Or didn't take the chance to see. Sorry for the moments that because of that I felt angry or upset about the results of the misinterpreted words or behaviour. Out of this anger or hurt came my reaction, in self defence, trying to protect myself for even more of those negative and painful feelings.

Most of the time, there is no-one to blame. Not even you. For why would you deliberately hurt yourself?

Suppose with all of these situations alike, you, in the end, will learn. Learn to know and trust yourself. Learn to have the guts to see more, see it all. I really want to believe that the reward for that is sweet: your heart and mind will be one, you feel and know the truth about love.

It probably tastes a lot better than caramel sauce!

I'll let you know when that happens. I am still in the process really, the victimizing bit. So much moody music, I just quite haven't finished listening to all of it yet.


J