I'm carefully peeking my head around the corner....
I'm building up strenght to come back, to wherever I was when I "left" before.
The last months have been hard, sucking up all my energy and left me with no choice than to look after myself. The things that happened along that way had a huge impact. This piece of music tells the story, of how it was, and is, for me.
I'll be back.
J
There's a reason why I haven't been writing much lately. At the moment I think it's too complicated to explain it personally, but as usual, I give it a go with music. With a song that sets the right atmosphere. With lyrics that tells you how it feels.
I think I should stop thinking lightly about coincidence, by the way. After reading DW's last post, considering what I am going through, I believe there's a reason, or a meaning, for this.
DW, stand your ground...
J
I just know there's no escape now
once it sets its eyes on you
but i won't run, have to stare it in the eye
Stand my ground, I won't give in
no more denying, I got to face it
won't close my eyes and hide the truth inside
if I don't make it, someone else will stand my ground
Though this might just be the ending
of the life I held so dear
but I won't run, there's no turning back from here
Stand my ground
(Writers Island prompt of wk 7)
Every once in a while, someone, or something, you've know for a long, long time, happens to be, say, do, behave, act or react completely different than what you expected. A certain situation which could have been common, turns out feeling strange. And close friends, whom you thought you knew so well, may come across as complete strangers.
Sometimes, for some of us, it happens to be your own person who is surprising you with unpredicted thoughts or emotions. Those moments can be some of the most frightening ones in life. But no matter how much fear they cause, don't try to turn your back on them and try to run or hide. These moments are a sign, even an alarming signal sometimes, that there's something wrong, and you've got to stop, think about and listen to what these strange feelings are trying to say.
Strange emotions may end up feeling familiar when you open yourself and think about it. A stranger may end up being the best friend you've ever had. Or even the most beautiful love of your life....
J
So lets get down to it baby
There ain't no need to lie
Tell me who you think you see
When you look into my eyes
Lets put our two hearts back together
And we'll leave the broken pieces on the floor
Make love with me baby
Till we ain't strangers anymore
The mind can see,
As long as you'll be,
For real with yourself,
And you'll forever be...
How close the meaning of these words above come to me...
This is the real truth, written down in 4 simple lines; yet it may be the hardest lesson of life. If you think about it, it's easy to say you want to be honest and open to yourself but doing it as well... you will have to read between your own lines, dig deep, and be brave enough not to ignore your image of the mirror you're looking at: your soul, your heart. That is the real you.
To hold that image up high, show the world who you really are and with the courage to let see you accept yourself, the consequences and your responsibilities, with all your ups and downs, your positive sights and the negative ones, that will be the most rewarding, beautiful and enriching goal of life.
Then you'll forever be...
J
Out of bed very early this morning, and apart from how I was woken up, it was worth it. A beautiful morning, all you could hear were the birds singing and chatting away, the sun was out and the sky amazing.
And as I stood there outside, still feeling and looking rosy, I once again realised how breathtaking life can be. My body started shaking, not heavily, but enough to feel the warmth of love running through my heart and soul.
Everybody has the right to feel what I felt this morning. Give yourself the chance. A start to achieve it could be by reading this.
If nobody else does, wake yourself up. I can tell you, it is worth it...
J
Sitting there with an extremely big smile on her face, just staring in the distance, not knowing how to describe that feeling in her heart, her head, her whole body actually.... all she knew was that it was there, this truly warm and sensational feeling and that it was growing, slowly but surely, day by day. It nearly frightened her, that process that seemed to be uncontrollable; no way she could stop it. Just as well, she didn't want it to stop anyway...
All these confusions, the wonderful emotions, the fear of lack of control and at the same time this craving for more. She then suddenly realised that it was ok.
It's all right. You make me love you....
JThere's music that makes me weak. It all depends on mood, situations, experiences etc. of course, but the soft spot is always touched. And I can't help it. I don't know what went wrong when I (and so my brain) was created, apart from the ADHD-thingy. Apparently a group of silly cells decided to stick together and form a part of my mind of which I cannot seem to get any control of. In fact, quite often it takes over and controls every single bit of my thinking process. Some sort of addiction really.
Now, this has some plus points. Especially when I feel good, happy, sexy or similar, it is great to be able to let yourself go, if possible that is. Don't we all have our moments when we hear a specific song and voila, we're back in those days when we .... well, did whatever we were doing whilst whomever was singing whichever song. Ah, memories...
Don't know about the sad and bad memories though. Mostly ones you DO NOT want to think about anymore, you prefer NOT to be reminded of and you, most certainly of all, don't want to go through that situation again. Ever. Even if it is only a memory. One thing leads to another and before you know, you're crying your eyes out again and feel the urge to go out and look for him/her and kick their ass anyway. Which you should have done years ago. (But didn't).
And then, there are the "in between's". Not perfect but not too dreadful too. The wishing, waiting, wanting moments. Memories that even despite the fact that maybe what you were wishing, waiting and wanting for didn't happen, still brings a smile on your face and makes you wander of... Some of those can actually be applied to several different occasions. A form of multi- functional use of emotional reactions from the brain (which is great, as for me emotional reactions can be quite an exhausting exercise).
So, to give you an idea, the following song is one of these. It triggers me to step out of daily life routines and sit back & smile, thinking about what happened. (Or didn't).
J
Tired, very tired; not physically though, more tired "upstairs" as she would call it. That's how she felt. Drained. But still, it surprised her how strong and powerful that same tired head motivated her to continue. Aware of the flashes of fear, uncertainty and worries, all trying to get rid of the brave attempts to build up self confidence, she kept on telling herself to focus on this motivating force and not to waste it. For this might be an opportunity that doesn't come around often.
The last few days had been very hard and, she realized again, she still instinctively felt the need to defend and prove herself. Instead of aiming her thoughts to the ones who (she thought) gave her this feeling, she worked on the thoughts themselves, trying to figure out why they were there in the first place. It wasn't an easy thing to do, but this was all part of learning to deal with her own responsibilities.
When you realise that you are responsible for your own life, including the consequences of these responsibilities, you find there are a whole lot more opportunities than you would think of. And if you feel instinctively that they could help you to become what you want to be, should you waste them?
J
Keep on asking and it will be given to you; keep on seeking and you will find....
Funnily enough, this phrase is mentioned in the Bible, which, at first, is not such an obvious link with one of Lenny's most beautiful songs, Calling All Angels.
But to me it is. Confusing maybe? Result of over-enthusiastic creative thinking? When thinking with a narrow mind, it probably is. Not to judge the "narrow-minded", as I think that society these days tricks you that it is better to deal with that way. But drop the limits of your thinking-process, and see the beauty of a creative mind.
I was brought up in a religious family. Details are irrelevant here; but as with everything, it had an effect on how I developed in life. To cut a long story short, it left me somewhat disorientated, this combination of fear, hope and failing ability to "believe". The unknown makes it hard to believe, so the easy option seems to seek for prove. But when proven, believing is no use to you anymore.
Along the way, I took from it what I thought was important: the desire to know, to feel, to wish, to love, to be aware, and most of all, to learn that in all these matters there is no such thing as 'failure'. And lately I discovered that you don't need any prove on this, apart from your own.
Life can be so impossible to understand. The more you think about it, the more complicated it becomes. But when you use your creative mind, it all starts making sense. And complicated thoughts, feelings and questions turn into challenges.
Slowly but surely I have experienced the last few months, that there is so much more going on in life, than one would consider. There are so many more possibilities than ever imagined, if only you allow yourself to think without limits. And what would seem as an impossible task, you'll find yourself dealing with it in complete ease. Ease, as there is no failure! 'Impossible' becomes a choice of possibilities in many different ways.
When I mentioned "creative mind", shortly after I found Ernest Shurtleff Holmes's writing on this site, which is extremely interesting. It will take some time to read it all, so can't even say that it represents, or not, my opinions. I need to finish it first. But so far, it has already touched me with many 'signs'. What makes it even more intriguing, is that it was written in 1923!
So here's to creative thinking.
My creative mind has brought me the experience of finding the first missing pieces of this complicated but beautiful puzzle. They fit precisely, they link perfectly. And they inspire me to start searching for the rest.
To love for the sake of being loved
is human,
but to love for the sake of loving
is angelic.
--Alphonse de Lamartine--
J
One of the books I thoroughly enjoyed is this one, which is, apart from the fact that it's just very good, also quite special as it is a 304 pages long dialogue.
It is as if you're sitting in this room, together with Skynner and Cleese, listening to their interesting, sometimes heated but o so funny conversations about family life (and how to survive them; wouldn't we all like to know?!). It doesn't really matter whether or not you agree with Skynner's view on this subject. He's quite passionate with his knowledge and opinions about the psychological slices of life and John Cleese, well, he's just so direct, funny (and hilarious at times), that it will be hard to not enjoy this book.
The theory they talk about is a triggering one. It triggered me, anyway. Not that I think I can explain it to you in just one single post (as the book covers 300+ pages, I obviously can't even get close) but one of the basic "facts" they mention is as follows:
The people you live with, let's say your partner, your friends, you've apparently chosen before you actually even spoke to them, the first time you met his/her/them. It seems that we all somehow are attracted to persons, who've got (roughly) the same experiences, feelings and expectations of life. Again, this is a very brief statement of one of the many interesting and mind tickling topics in this book.
I finished reading it quite a while ago now but, funnily enough, it keeps coming back to me in various ways. Lately it "showed up" because it, again, matched with something else I read about: the law of attraction.
Now that's a subject which deserves a post (or even more) on its own, but it is worth mentioning it here just to give it a thought. If you think this will pleasently tickle your brain, you should definetely read the book and/or, if you like, check out the side of the LOA. I'm sure that when you google a bit, you'll find much more on these subjects.
Speaking about googling (and why I came up with John Cleese today): when doing my usual morning routine behind the PC, I bumped into a video which made me laugh, even though I hadn't even finished my coffee yet, which should say enough. (In terms of the law of attraction, coffee is probably constantly on my mind).
This sketch is full of self sarcasm which is so "attractive to me", in terms of LOA; more then enough to discover afterwards that I had half a cup of cold coffee in front of me. And that's just so unattractive...
J
During the last couple of weeks, I was being told, more than once but by the same person, that "love is blind". This is not world-shocking news, I know, but what was shocking to me, is that this person who repeatedly said it to me, is the same who's proving it to be wrong! And I should probably even thank HWSNBM.
While he said this / his statement, all I could do was nod "yes I know...", struggling with sadness, tears, frustration, fear. And, until then, I thought that it was true anyway. I mean, gosh... the number of times that I've heard those words, I never even questioned them, 'cause they always come to you when you've just learned that the one you love, is either not interested, interested but not only in you, gay or married.
Apparently you were blind for all these so obviously present distinctive parts of character which didn't match or didn't combine with yours.
So at that moment, there is nothing as good as victimizing yourself. Put on some music guaranteed to start a stream of tears, pour your heart out and wish him hell. Or worse.
But no matter how sweet this tastes, like heavenly gorgeous caramel sauce covering your tortured soul.... it doesn't last very long. (And believe me, caramel sauce to me is the ultimate divinity! Well, when it comes to food related matters anyway).
And unlike with caramel sauce, the aftertaste is bitterly nasty and you realise it didn't help at all. Nothing turned into something more positive, and if you dwelled on the anger, hurt and frustration long enough, it only made life worse.
Sometimes it is just plain good to be melancholic and make yourself feel even more horrible then you did before. It may even be a way of "switching on" your self-healing mechanism, to start feeling better. But you only feel better when you go through the whole situation again, this time with an open mind and the ability to see everything, all signs, which were there before but you just didn't notice them. Or you even ignored them.
The only way in this to help yourself, is to look at this situation through loving eyes. The same love that made you be there with him/her in the first place.
Now the outcome may well be that you still feel the same about this person. But if you look closely enough, it won't be 100% the same. Part of it will feel different, because you realise that you not noticing these specific parts, caused the wrong interpretations, which were most likely followed by the wrong decisions.
Putting it all back to myself, I feel sorry. Sorry for myself that I wasn't able to see. Or didn't take the chance to see. Sorry for the moments that because of that I felt angry or upset about the results of the misinterpreted words or behaviour. Out of this anger or hurt came my reaction, in self defence, trying to protect myself for even more of those negative and painful feelings.
Most of the time, there is no-one to blame. Not even you. For why would you deliberately hurt yourself?
Suppose with all of these situations alike, you, in the end, will learn. Learn to know and trust yourself. Learn to have the guts to see more, see it all. I really want to believe that the reward for that is sweet: your heart and mind will be one, you feel and know the truth about love.
It probably tastes a lot better than caramel sauce!
I'll let you know when that happens. I am still in the process really, the victimizing bit. So much moody music, I just quite haven't finished listening to all of it yet.
J
