Lost

What I can't, is looking at photographs. It hasn't always been like that. But the last few years it started (from getting this vague, melancholic pain flowing into a sharp scratch on an already wounded soul), and it slowly got worse. So these days, I can't even look at a certain photo without having this like automatic need to curl up, shiver, cry, wanting to dissappear, far, far away...

At this moment, I know I am at an alarming state in that matter, 'cause I noticed that the only two photo's in a frame that I've got, I have turned around. So all I see is the back of it. I can see they're still there, but I cannot face them. Literally. I cannot see their faces. The pain is too deep, the guilt is killing me, and I cannot find the right words to tell myself it's going to be alright. Whatever I do, there is no sense, no real sense, to explain why this all happened, how it got this far, and for which benefit it was needed.

So I feel waisted. I feel lost.

Have I waisted most of my years? And have I waisted most of my precious time with them? Have I lost many opportunities in my life? And did I loose some of the most important moments with them? Have I lost the chance of being there for, and with, them?

I usually have no trouble coming up with some sort of solution, clever statement or what have you. Not that I always have the wisdom of putting words into action in matters on my personal, emotional state. But like I said, I can't even find the proper words now, let alone doing something with their meaning.

I feel lost. And fear that I am.

J

Writing

(Sunday Scribblings)

Sometimes, when I speak, people don't seem to understand what I say.
Sometimes, when I look, they don't see what I observe.
Sometimes, when I think, people have no clue what's on my mind.
And sometimes, when I cry, they don't know what it's all about....

What can one do to be heard? To be seen, to be understood? To be comforted?

I cannot expect people to know me. For it is difficult enough to know 'me' myself.

But sometimes, it makes you feel so alone. All by myself....

and that's the reason I write.
Because then, I can speak, look, think and cry as if I am not alone out there...

J

Tell Me What We're Gonna Do Now

Not that I am complaining... :)
but having worked nearly every day for the last few weeks, I say:
* it's fun, but tiring
* makes time fly
* is no good for a blogger...

Add it up with the fact that I moved again (this time hopefully for a bit of a longer period then last), plus the usual daily stuff which unfortunately has to be done, it's not really surprising that there wasn't much left for writing....

But, as I said, I am not complaining.... it's just that my brain seems not to function that well, making it kind of hard to decide what to do in my spare free time, so...

(here's to Joss),

Tell me what we're gonna do now....

Innocence

Outside ideas of right doing and wrong doing there is
a field. I'll meet you there.
~ Rumi

Innocence

is a term that describes the lack of guilt of an individual, with respect to any kind of crime, sin, or wondering.

(Children are usually considered to be innocent and to gradually lose this attribute through maturity by gaining knowledge of the adult world).
source: Wikipedia.

For I never want my loved ones to loose their innocence.

J

Attention, attention!

About 40 min's ago or so, I signed in to my blog account to write a new post. Usually, before I get to that, I check out some of my fav sites/blogs (see list of them somewhere in the sidebar).

This time, I didn't get far. I got stuck at Flea's blog and that was it. And, like I said, it's 40 min's (or so) later. Now I am a bit of a Flea-fan (huge actually, but I don't want to give any of you the impression that I'm getting a bonus out of this or something), which means:

• I check her blog very often,
  
• which also means that when there's a new post, it doesn't normally take 40 min's (or so) to read it (unless she's doing her "months of email-catching up"-round).
• none of that this time, her post was somewhat of a confession...
• and that means: good news!
  

Apparently a few members of our beloved blogging society have had a baby! The delivery went very well and the name of this newborn is

~ OFFSPRUNG ~

Check it out, isn't it a beauty?

J

Next step - good step

O my... today the next step of the big jump - preparation appeared...: I have a (temporary) house!

Pictures above are to give you the idea of what it looks like (the middle two are of the "hofje" where I am: left is the front view of the entrance and right gives you a peek into its garden).

What goes on in my head now, is bloody difficult to explain. In fact, explaining it is that difficult that I won't even bother trying. The mixed feelings are a bit overwhelming. To get my thoughts straight, I need to let it sink in.

But a brain working at high speed sorting out its emotional state, doesn't necessarily mean that it's all depressing; (well, it might be) but to block the most depressing thoughts, why not try to cheer myself up a little bit. With the usual recipe, of course.

Now, this time it's rather different than what you would expect. Yes, it's Michael W. Smith, and yes, he's religious and makes worship-music, but this is just SO uplifting!! Every time I hear it, it makes me feel good. Or at least feel better.
And hey, ~love me good~, that can be applied to anything and anyone, right?

And now you just have to excuse me, I'm going to try to feel good.
J

"Have you seen the light?"

My youngest son has had this obsessional admiration for cars since he was about 1 yr old. Anything on 4 wheels was, and still is, holy. Two would do as well, as long as it had a motor attached to it. But his all time favorites are the ones with flashing lights and noisy sirens: police cars, fire engines, ambulances, etc. It's not really surprising that, now 7 yrs old, his most beloved film is The Blues Brothers.

I mean, if you were him, what more could you wish for? It's full of cars (and macho men, highly appreciated by him as well). Scene after scene there are police cars chasing Jake & Elwood, and the best are the ones of course where the lot of them crash into each other.

BB has always been a great movie, one you could watch often without getting bored. But it's even better when sprog nr. 2 is sitting there watching it next to you. All the famous lines, he knows by heart. It's extremely funny when, after seeing one of the police cars end up upside down, he says: "They broke my watch!". Or, when two cops make this enormous free fall in their car, they look at each other in disbelief and this adorable child of mine jumps up and says: "I've always loved you..." Perfectly timed as well. Hilarious.

Before he goes to sleep, he lately has created this habit of watching a bit of BB in bed. So there we are, lying next to each other, having a real good BB-time. The only things that are missing are black hats and sunglasses.

I don't mind this habit. It could be worse, you know. I'd rather have to watch this, then Pokémon or Action Man. But when it comes to choosing a favorite scene, I'd go for the one in the Triple Rock Baptist Church. It's with loads of people singing and dancing to this great performance of James Brown. But the best is when Jake's going loose and my son screams:

"Have you seen the light?!"

(And all I have to do is look at him and get blinded by it).

J

Jake: The band... The band!
Reverend: Do you see the Light?
Jake: The band!
Reverend: Do you see the Light?
Elwood: What light?
Reverend: Have you seen the Light?
Jake: Yes, yes!

Cleese, an attraction of fun

One of the books I thoroughly enjoyed is this one, which is, apart from the fact that it's just very good, also quite special as it is a 304 pages long dialogue.

It is as if you're sitting in this room, together with Skynner and Cleese, listening to their interesting, sometimes heated but o so funny conversations about family life (and how to survive them; wouldn't we all like to know?!). It doesn't really matter whether or not you agree with Skynner's view on this subject. He's quite passionate with his knowledge and opinions about the psychological slices of life and John Cleese, well, he's just so direct, funny (and hilarious at times), that it will be hard to not enjoy this book.

The theory they talk about is a triggering one. It triggered me, anyway. Not that I think I can explain it to you in just one single post (as the book covers 300+ pages, I obviously can't even get close) but one of the basic "facts" they mention is as follows:

The people you live with, let's say your partner, your friends, you've apparently chosen before you actually even spoke to them, the first time you met his/her/them. It seems that we all somehow are attracted to persons, who've got (roughly) the same experiences, feelings and expectations of life. Again, this is a very brief statement of one of the many interesting and mind tickling topics in this book.

I finished reading it quite a while ago now but, funnily enough, it keeps coming back to me in various ways. Lately it "showed up" because it, again, matched with something else I read about: the law of attraction.

Now that's a subject which deserves a post (or even more) on its own, but it is worth mentioning it here just to give it a thought. If you think this will pleasently tickle your brain, you should definetely read the book and/or, if you like, check out the side of the LOA. I'm sure that when you google a bit, you'll find much more on these subjects.

Speaking about googling (and why I came up with John Cleese today): when doing my usual morning routine behind the PC, I bumped into a video which made me laugh, even though I hadn't even finished my coffee yet, which should say enough. (In terms of the law of attraction, coffee is probably constantly on my mind).
This sketch is full of self sarcasm which is so "attractive to me", in terms of LOA; more then enough to discover afterwards that I had half a cup of cold coffee in front of me. And that's just so unattractive...
J