That I would be good...

Even if I've neglected this blog for so long...

Well, ok, it wasn't much of a choice really. Let's just say that I was unavailable. But honestly, it was never my intention to stay away for more than a year! Shocking how time flies, but forget about the "having fun"-bit. I have discovered that time flies too when the days don't seem to end, with too much crap to fill given the hours.

So what have I done?
I've tried to be good. And it took me a year + to realise that I've tried to be good for anyone and anything else apart from myself. That's no good, is it?

That's called failing. In this case, failing miserably.

Now I know, this sounds quite harsh and ofcourse I know that I have tried very, very hard, so why can't I be a little more loving towards myself? See that 'trying' is at least a lot better than giving up and show the world your middle finger?

'Cause apparently, me trying to be good wasn't spotted (enough) by many people who are part of my life. Yes, they saw me struggling and fighting, but hey, in the end the results were not what they expected so, mission failed. Game over.

Wanna play again?

For years, I kept on going and tried to learn and understand the rules of the game. The do's and don't's of this life, as they come along - like instructions written in the manual of this really complicated hi-tech gadget (made in China, but o so badly translated into English ofcourse). Having said that, consider yourself lucky if you ever did find that bl.... manual; at least you've gót something that provides a bit of information, even if half of it looks more like it's written in some sort of alien language.

But some players of this lifelong contest just don't get it, literally and figuratively. Doesn't mean that they don't want to play, though. Or have the right to get more than one chance to master the necessary skills.

You never know.... they maybe don't play like you, but they might be good!

Sacrifice

I'm carefully peeking my head around the corner....



I'm building up strenght to come back, to wherever I was when I "left" before.

The last months have been hard, sucking up all my energy and left me with no choice than to look after myself. The things that happened along that way had a huge impact. This piece of music tells the story, of how it was, and is, for me.

I'll be back.
J

No retreat

There's a reason why I haven't been writing much lately. At the moment I think it's too complicated to explain it personally, but as usual, I give it a go with music. With a song that sets the right atmosphere. With lyrics that tells you how it feels.


I think I should stop thinking lightly about coincidence, by the way. After reading DW's last post, considering what I am going through, I believe there's a reason, or a meaning, for this.
DW, stand your ground...


J

I just know there's no escape now
once it sets its eyes on you
but i won't run, have to stare it in the eye

Stand my ground, I won't give in
no more denying, I got to face it
won't close my eyes and hide the truth inside
if I don't make it, someone else will stand my ground

Though this might just be the ending
of the life I held so dear
but I won't run, there's no turning back from here


Stand my ground

Strangers

(Writers Island prompt of wk 7)

Every once in a while, someone, or something, you've know for a long, long time, happens to be, say, do, behave, act or react completely different than what you expected. A certain situation which could have been common, turns out feeling strange. And close friends, whom you thought you knew so well, may come across as complete strangers.

Sometimes, for some of us, it happens to be your own person who is surprising you with unpredicted thoughts or emotions. Those moments can be some of the most frightening ones in life. But no matter how much fear they cause, don't try to turn your back on them and try to run or hide. These moments are a sign, even an alarming signal sometimes, that there's something wrong, and you've got to stop, think about and listen to what these strange feelings are trying to say.

Strange emotions may end up feeling familiar when you open yourself and think about it. A stranger may end up being the best friend you've ever had. Or even the most beautiful love of your life....

J

So lets get down to it baby
There ain't no need to lie

Tell me who you think you see
When you look into my eyes

Lets put our two hearts back together
And we'll leave the broken pieces on the floor
Make love with me baby
Till we ain't strangers anymore

Renewal

~ prompt of Writers Island - wk5 ~

Renewal of the soul - 4 by *nusbaum on deviantART

Renewal...
They say your renewal can only take place when you have been very close to death. Like nearly touching this cold, hated but so common "friend of life". So close, it's frightening; only 2 options remain and that is to flight or fight...

Fight...
It's when you fight that you gain the chance of renewal. Renewal of that piece of you, that is so badly damaged, that with all of the little life that's left in there, it screams desperately for help. No one can hear it though, apart from you. For it is you, and only you, who can answer the question, supply the demand, fill in the needs, make the u-turn.

Pain...
The pain may seem unbearable, your soul's severely injured but the hurt, this time, won't be like a companion of the enemy, but your friend. For it is so intense, that it provides you with a source of energy that nothing and nobody else can give you. It is a boost nearly too hot to handle.

Chance...
But it's a chance and you grab it: simply because you already choose to fight and that is exactly the one and only reason why this chance is here, right in front of you and there is no way that you'll let go.

Heal...
Wounds take time to heal. The tissue of your skin is remarkably well capable of creating new cells and forming a new layer of protection of your body. Sometimes the wounds have been so bad that this new layer may not look like what was there before. Scars appear and they can be a horrible reminder of what happened there before. But no matter how ugly, they are there and protect you.

Overcome...
For me, renewal of the soul can take place when not only having been so close to death, but also by to overcome the fear of it. You need fear to fight, but never fear fighting.

Renewal....
Sometimes, life's renewal isn't what you expected it to be. Sometimes the renewal of your soul is showing a complete different side of you, unknown before. But, take a closer look. Feel it, can you feel how thick this new layer of skin, this renewal is? The scars may seem ugly, look so different than what was there before.... yet, it may do one hell of a better job of protecting you.


So drive me out, yeah
Out to that open field
Turn the ignition off
And spin around
Your help is here

J

Live - Overcome
Uploaded by Live-official

The Journey

~ prompt of Writers Island - wk4 ~ (my point of view with mask on)

Remember, when you were a kid, in the back seat of the car, going on holiday? The excitement? Although your dad only just drove off, it felt like ages and all you could think of was "are we there yet?!"... Nowadays that scene could be sketched like in Shrek 2, you are Donkey and your parents, very frustrated, played one hell of a good copy of Shrek and Fiona.

I was never very good "with journeys", even though I used to (and still do actually) love taking part of it. But hey, patience... right? For most of the journeys, you need it and that's exactly what I lack of....

So when thinking about a "journey", the silly part of me is totally on Donkey's side...





(my point of view without mask on)

You're getting older
Your journey's been etched
On your skin

"Are we there yet?"
This journey seems to last forever. But maybe that's exactly how it's supposed to be. Some sort of a never ending trip, but with the difference that the destination of it, is to actually learn to 'travel', to make the best out of it, to enjoy the surroundings of the road you follow, and to know where you're heading to.

There's nothing wrong with "looking back", as long as you keep on your track, going forward, open minded, excited and wondering ... am I there yet?

I love traveling my journey, I'm just not very good at it. I've probably just never really grown up.

J (Donkey)

The Key

~ prompt of Writers Island - wk3 ~

Several reasons for why it took me ages before I completed my post for WI prompt this week:

• whilst on my swing of moods, I seem to get stuck every time I passed the "down"-bit. As I am still in the middle of the process of figuring out the do's and don'ts of Me, Myself and I, it wasn't a surprise, but falling can be painful...
• I am trying to be more aware of not only myself, but also people, around me and general. It's a rewarding 'investment', but also a confronting and energy consuming one.
• work, of course.
• and I've got a bit of a flue (which is probably also related to the first reason mentioned)

All in all, thinking about what I wanted to write regarding the words "The Key", set me off and (oh how I "love/hate" my hyper focus now and again...) I found I had far too much to write about.

The key; it links to so many things in life. The key to your heart, your soul, the door, happiness, the truth, and so on. And every single example needs more than a few lines written about it.

I panicked. Missing out on this week's prompt wasn't an option. If I had nothing to tell, if it was a subject which means nothing to me, I would have been OK with skipping. But no, I had so many thoughts and triggers that I couldn't ignore them.

Then, I stumbled upon this amazing project: 6 billion Others

I read, listened and watched all of the whole site. It is one of the best things I have come across on the Internet. Ever. I got enormously impressed by the person who's behind this idea: Yann Arthus-Bertrand.

And, I realised that this is it. This is The Key. In fact, I would call it the Master Key.
For it will open all of our hearts, souls and doors, and happiness and truth will be there for all of us.

Achieving this Utopia seems so unrealistic and ridiculous. The lock that is blocking us all from getting there, seems impossible to open. But at least, someone tries and you've got to admire him for that.

He opened the door to my heart anyway...

J

My Imaginary Life

A gentle breeze from Hushabye Mountain
Softly blows o'er lullaby bay.
It fills the sails of boats that are waiting-
-Waiting to sail your worries away.

It isn't far to Hushabye Mountain
And your boat waits down by the key.
The winds of night so softly are sighing-
-Soon they will fly your troubles to sea.
So close your eyes on Hushabye Mountain.
Wave good-bye to cares of the day.
And watch your boat from Hushabye Mountain
Sail far away from lullaby bay.



When thinking about My Imaginary Life ...

(which is the first prompt of this new site, launched today, made by and for writers: Writers Island. One of the persons who started it up, is Rob Kistner, someone I got to know via blogging/writing and admire a lot! Not only for his writing, but as a person as well).

Words that connect are so eager to be written down, to be said out loud, but given the fact that I do not have the amount of time to give all these words a chance, I use the words of Einstein. I couldn't have said it better anyway...

(and if anyone wants to imagine how my imagination works, just close your eyes and listen to the song above...)


Imagination
is more important than knowledge.
For knowledge is limited, whereas
imagination embraces the entire world,
stimulating progress, giving birth to evolution.

J

Tell Me What We're Gonna Do Now

Not that I am complaining... :)
but having worked nearly every day for the last few weeks, I say:
* it's fun, but tiring
* makes time fly
* is no good for a blogger...

Add it up with the fact that I moved again (this time hopefully for a bit of a longer period then last), plus the usual daily stuff which unfortunately has to be done, it's not really surprising that there wasn't much left for writing....

But, as I said, I am not complaining.... it's just that my brain seems not to function that well, making it kind of hard to decide what to do in my spare free time, so...

(here's to Joss),

Tell me what we're gonna do now....

Dear Diary, I want to be Forever Young

(Sunday Scribblings)

When I was young, I kept a diary. I think I was roughly at the age of 14, 15 when I started writing in it. I remember very well what my first diary looked like: a little but thick book, of which the outside was covered with Chinese silk, mainly red with a green and black pattern. Unlike most diaries, it had no lock. And that's what, in the end, caused its death.

I used to poor out my heart in that way. Being a teenager, and a girl (which makes a difference generally, as girls at that age can be quite over the top with their emotions), I thought writing about my life would help, expecting a huge change soon to come. Why was that? And what was I expecting to change?

Looking back, I so much more understand why I kept the diary, why I mainly wrote about boys, boys & boys and how disappointed I quite often was. At first it may sound silly. A diary is supposed to be secret, if only a little, right? It's yours and yours only and for no one to be read apart from you. And if the hypothesis is that writing it is going to help you sort your (love-)life out (or at least create a clearer view on it), it is a very good thing to do. But somehow, I wrote my diary with a sort of weird hope that others would read it, and of course would act on it and then, everything was going to be alright....

Childish behaviour, but then, I still was one. Nowadays, I know what I was hoping to achieve wasn't silly, but the way how, I got it all wrong. You write a diary for yourself. And if you are honest and true, you get a pretty good look at yourself. And if parts of that don't make you happy, or pleased, or whatever, you can maybe track back the if's, why's and how's so you learn from your mistakes, miscalculations, misunderstandings...

But you can never expect someone else to be responsible for your downsides, bad habits, weak points or ignorance. Even when you think they caused it, it is still you who is able to stop or change it; and if you can't you'll have to work on your emotional response and act on it, or (depending on the matter) don't act on it.

The last half year or so, I have been more and more convinced that this is the path to follow on your way to happiness. To love and be loved. Maybe it was coincidental that I started to write this blog? Isn't a blog quite often an adult version of a child's diary? Again, this "diary" is written with the hope others read it. But now, I do not have the expectation that someone else will act on it and "clear up the mess I've made". Now, I want to do that myself.

It's just that sometimes I wish I was that child again. And that somebody would have shared this knowledge with me so I would have had a complete different diary. One I would have kept, so I could read it again when I would be older. Then, afterwards I would close it and start a new diary.

The opening words?

Dear Diary, I want to be forever young….

J

And I called your name...

Wish I had the guts to tell you all about the specific reason for this post's choice of music...

Will try to with the next post... for now, I just want to hear this song again, and leave you guessing.... :)

J

Goosebumps

(Sunday Scribbling)
Does my skin respond in a exaggerated way sometimes? Although I mostly don't mind, I think it does. It depends, of course, on several matters. But the main trigger is who's touching it...

After that it will be the atmosphere around "us". Preferably not too much light, nearly dark if possible but a slight glisting of a few candles would be nice. Temperature not too high, if it's a little cold it's ok, my body will adjust easily anyway.

And then there's the finishing touch... background music. Loud enough to cover all the unneccassary sounds, apart from "our" whispers that is. It will surround "us" like it was specially made for the moment.

These experiences are treasures in my heart. I cherish them. Play that specific song for me and I'll close my eyes and voila, it is there again. You, me, the moment. And I am suddenly aware that raised skin is all over my body, making me shiver.


That to me, my friend, is the perfect explanation in the case of "me with goose bumps"...

(Hey, do you remember, one of the first times?)

J

Wicked Game

(Sunday scribblings)

What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way


Wicked.... one of these words of which the meaning can be different, depending on moods, situations, feelings. It can be positive or negative. Good or bad. Weird or normal. Strange or familiar.

If in your life, there's a connection between Wicked and Love, you've got to remember Chris Isaak's expression of games (wicked) people can play....

J

Hair - Sunday's Scribblings

Probably the most vunerable part of how I feel about the way I look. Forget nice clothes, cool boots, beautiful make-up: your hair determines your looks. Seriously, I'd rather walk down the street naked but with the knowledge my hair's ok then the other way around...

Don't know about the "walking around naked" - bit, but most people will agree: your hair is special, typically yours. Which reminds me....

J

Slippery

You ever have that feeling? That time is slipping away?

Quite often I think time is slipping away; generally, life goes its own way, mine always seems to be in the fast lane anyway. But time spent behind the PC goes even faster, don't you think? Before you know it, cyber-time-slipping slapped you in the face and yet again, you realise the day has progressed quicker than you wanted it to.

During one of these cyber-time-slipping moments I stumbled upon this site,
Sunday Scribblings; what a great idea they offer (check it out for yourself, if you want). So here's my scribbling about the topic of this week.... Slippery....

And when I was thinking about this subject, Talking Heads came up in my mind. Slippery People, remember? And as I am always looking for "the story behind...." I found a very good explanation on this site (of which a short quote, but you can read the rest of it via the link):

It’s a song about severe psychological disorder…it’s a song about a man who has difficulty feeling comfortable in even the most typical daily situations, but so what? Many Talking Heads songs fit that description…
-
The song opens as he taunts himself…as his mind reminds him of a hazy failure past…Fallin’ on your face? You must be havin’ fun…, and then it segues directly into a tense plea for self-control…Walk lightly indeed. He’s considering taking some sort of action…against himself? Against somebody else? Someone specific? The next person who starts a conversation he can’t finish? Put away that gun, he says, bargaining for control over himself…This part is simple.

The man can’t even take a bath without being tormented by personal demons and the fear that he will one day drift so far from reality that nobody will be able to reach him…Cool down…stop acting crazy…they’re gonna’ leave…and we’ll be on our own…

If you’re not careful, he might even convince you he’s alright, that the Lord don’t mind, and those slippery people will be more than happy to see you through.

Well, there's not much more to add here, right? Enough talking about it, enjoy the musical scribbling...

J

Don't forget your dreams!

The importance of dreaming
(take 1, for the serious - mooded readers of today):

"The key to realizing a dream is to focus not on success but
significance - and then even the small steps and little
victories along your path will take on greater meaning".
(Oprah Winfrey, O Magazine, September 2002)

The importance of dreaming
(take 2, for the less serious - mooded readers of today, who may take life less serious but that doesn't mean YOU should take them less serious too):

- this is what xkcd thinks of it (great site btw)

J

Attention, attention!

About 40 min's ago or so, I signed in to my blog account to write a new post. Usually, before I get to that, I check out some of my fav sites/blogs (see list of them somewhere in the sidebar).

This time, I didn't get far. I got stuck at Flea's blog and that was it. And, like I said, it's 40 min's (or so) later. Now I am a bit of a Flea-fan (huge actually, but I don't want to give any of you the impression that I'm getting a bonus out of this or something), which means:

• I check her blog very often,
  
• which also means that when there's a new post, it doesn't normally take 40 min's (or so) to read it (unless she's doing her "months of email-catching up"-round).
• none of that this time, her post was somewhat of a confession...
• and that means: good news!
  

Apparently a few members of our beloved blogging society have had a baby! The delivery went very well and the name of this newborn is

~ OFFSPRUNG ~

Check it out, isn't it a beauty?

J