Tired of being sorry

For a thousand reasons that I know
To share forever the unrest
With all the demons I possess
Beneath the silver moon

Maybe you were right
But baby I was lonely
I don't want to fight
I'm tired of being sorry

Forgive me my mistakes, for I sometimes don't realise what I am doing wrong...

Forgive me for being unreliable, for I sometimes can't even rely on myself...

Forgive me for the smile on my face, for it is sometimes just the mask I wear...

Forgive me for being complicated, for I have trouble myself to gain peace of mind...

My "demons"... They're not an excuse. They're not a scapegoat. I wish I could say I have an explanation for my behaviour. But to be able to explain, don't I need to have 'full understanding of the subject'?

And what if I haven't got that yet?

Forgive me all, for asking so much patience...

(Who would have thought that he could hit me with this song (and lyrics) right on the spot?)


J

Writing

(Sunday Scribblings)

Sometimes, when I speak, people don't seem to understand what I say.
Sometimes, when I look, they don't see what I observe.
Sometimes, when I think, people have no clue what's on my mind.
And sometimes, when I cry, they don't know what it's all about....

What can one do to be heard? To be seen, to be understood? To be comforted?

I cannot expect people to know me. For it is difficult enough to know 'me' myself.

But sometimes, it makes you feel so alone. All by myself....

and that's the reason I write.
Because then, I can speak, look, think and cry as if I am not alone out there...

J

Be

The mind can see,
As long as you'll be,
For real with yourself,
And you'll forever be...

How close the meaning of these words above come to me...

This is the real truth, written down in 4 simple lines; yet it may be the hardest lesson of life. If you think about it, it's easy to say you want to be honest and open to yourself but doing it as well... you will have to read between your own lines, dig deep, and be brave enough not to ignore your image of the mirror you're looking at: your soul, your heart. That is the real you.

To hold that image up high, show the world who you really are and with the courage to let see you accept yourself, the consequences and your responsibilities, with all your ups and downs, your positive sights and the negative ones, that will be the most rewarding, beautiful and enriching goal of life.

Then you'll forever be...

J

And I called your name...

Wish I had the guts to tell you all about the specific reason for this post's choice of music...

Will try to with the next post... for now, I just want to hear this song again, and leave you guessing.... :)

J

Goosebumps

(Sunday Scribbling)
Does my skin respond in a exaggerated way sometimes? Although I mostly don't mind, I think it does. It depends, of course, on several matters. But the main trigger is who's touching it...

After that it will be the atmosphere around "us". Preferably not too much light, nearly dark if possible but a slight glisting of a few candles would be nice. Temperature not too high, if it's a little cold it's ok, my body will adjust easily anyway.

And then there's the finishing touch... background music. Loud enough to cover all the unneccassary sounds, apart from "our" whispers that is. It will surround "us" like it was specially made for the moment.

These experiences are treasures in my heart. I cherish them. Play that specific song for me and I'll close my eyes and voila, it is there again. You, me, the moment. And I am suddenly aware that raised skin is all over my body, making me shiver.


That to me, my friend, is the perfect explanation in the case of "me with goose bumps"...

(Hey, do you remember, one of the first times?)

J

Life

Out of bed very early this morning, and apart from how I was woken up, it was worth it. A beautiful morning, all you could hear were the birds singing and chatting away, the sun was out and the sky amazing.

And as I stood there outside, still feeling and looking rosy, I once again realised how breathtaking life can be. My body started shaking, not heavily, but enough to feel the warmth of love running through my heart and soul.

Everybody has the right to feel what I felt this morning. Give yourself the chance. A start to achieve it could be by reading this.
If nobody else does, wake yourself up. I can tell you, it is worth it...

J

Roger Hodgson-You Make Me Love You

Sitting there with an extremely big smile on her face, just staring in the distance, not knowing how to describe that feeling in her heart, her head, her whole body actually.... all she knew was that it was there, this truly warm and sensational feeling and that it was growing, slowly but surely, day by day. It nearly frightened her, that process that seemed to be uncontrollable; no way she could stop it. Just as well, she didn't want it to stop anyway...

All these confusions, the wonderful emotions, the fear of lack of control and at the same time this craving for more. She then suddenly realised that it was ok.

It's all right. You make me love you....

J

Wicked Game

(Sunday scribblings)

What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way


Wicked.... one of these words of which the meaning can be different, depending on moods, situations, feelings. It can be positive or negative. Good or bad. Weird or normal. Strange or familiar.

If in your life, there's a connection between Wicked and Love, you've got to remember Chris Isaak's expression of games (wicked) people can play....

J

Antonio

Did I ever mention one of my favorite actors, Antonio Banderas? Once I think, but here I go again.

It's actually not just because of his acting, or looks, his eyes, the way he talks (even when you can't see the real Antonio but only to hear his voice when he's, for example, playing the role of a cat, is great). It's the combination of those factors with his singing ability. Why is it, that we don't hear more about that?

As the Phantom he was amazing, so was his part in Evita! It is one of my most beloved movies; not just because of his appearance in there. Madonna did well playing Eva Péron, the whole set up is beautiful, the story dramatic, and from a historical point of view a very interesting part of the 20th century.

Hard to choose which song to post here, the whole movie is full of great music, but I give it a shot with High Flying Adored.

J

Love Stoned

To be honest, I actually don't care what the majority of people think about a certain artist, singer, actor, whatever. Then why do I often have the feeling that I have to apologize when I mention one regarding something I really like?

To me, the result of what this specific person/persons produce, is mostly what counts. It can be touching, striking, triggering, uplifting; why let it be influenced by, lets say, the looks of somebody? Or the opinion (whether it's true or not) of someone else?

An example is Justin Timberlake. I am not even going to mention what "others" think about him. Some of his songs are catching, this is one of them. And that's what it's all about.

J

Idealist

A few days ago, on my way to town, I was listening to the radio (what's new?) and heard Gangsta's Paradise again. I love it, it first of all reminds me of Grandmaster Flash & The Furious Five with The Message, a rap song out of my younger years (duh...), of which I knew the full lyrics (yes, really!) and used to sing it so many times that it drove my mum crazy. Secondly, I love it's stimulating you to think about life for some people these days. I'm lucky enough not to live in a massive city, with loads of unemployment, poverty, drug problems, etc. The song's about (kids) growing up and living in places like that, and how it effects their chances in life.

Along with the song, came "Dangerous Minds" (probably the other way around, whatever). A great movie about this teacher who tries to do her job at a school in a similar neighbourhood as described above. It's a true story. Of course, it's a movie and therefore less realistic than it actually was, but still, it is good. And the main character is played by Michelle Pfeiffer, an actress I highly appreciate.

Anyway, via Wiki I eventually ended up checking out a site, owned by the person behind this role of Michelle, and it was an interesting read. But most interesting of all, I was yet again hit by the fact that when I surf the Net searching for several sources of info (without the intention to search for a specific item, I mean), I end up with sites that are actually about my hot topics in life. This time it was ADHD. (Which is a very hot topic in my life, whether I like it or not, as I am driven by it. Literally).

Reading one of the articles about several "disorders" and temperament, I came across the link to do this online test, and hey, guess what... :

this is me...

Idealists, as a temperament, are passionately concerned with personal growth and development. Idealists strive to discover who they are and how they can become their best possible self -- always this quest for self-knowledge and self-improvement drives their imagination. And they want to help others make the journey. Idealists are naturally drawn to working with people, and whether in education or counseling, in social services or personnel work, in journalism or the ministry, they are gifted at helping others find their way in life, often inspiring them to grow as individuals and to fulfill their potentials.

Idealists are sure that friendly cooperation is the best way for people to achieve their goals. Conflict and confrontation upset them because they seem to put up angry barriers between people. Idealists dream of creating harmonious, even caring personal relations, and they have a unique talent for helping people get along with each other and work together for the good of all. Such interpersonal harmony might be a romantic ideal, but then Idealists are incurable romantics who prefer to focus on what might be, rather than what is. The real, practical world is only a starting place for Idealists; they believe that life is filled with possibilities waiting to be realized, rich with meanings calling out to be understood. This idea of a mystical or spiritual dimension to life, the "not visible" or the "not yet" that can only be known through intuition or by a leap of faith, is far more important to Idealists than the world of material things.

Highly ethical in their actions, Idealists hold themselves to a strict standard of personal integrity. They must be true to themselves and to others, and they can be quite hard on themselves when they are dishonest, or when they are false or insincere. More often, however, Idealists are the very soul of kindness. Particularly in their personal relationships, Idealists are without question filled with love and good will. They believe in giving of themselves to help others; they cherish a few warm, sensitive friendships; they strive for a special rapport with their children; and in marriage they wish to find a "soul mate," someone with whom they can bond emotionally and spiritually, sharing their deepest feelings and their complex inner worlds.

Idealists are rare, making up between 20 and 25 percent of the population. But their ability to inspire people with their enthusiasm and their idealism has given them influence far beyond their numbers.

Maybe for some a lot of blah blah, and maybe it is, but I found it rather amusing. Apart from my own personal fun and interest, I couldn't help linking this to Michelle Pfeiffer who seems to be a real Idealist to me. Quite a lot of the films / movies she's done are not about the most regular or usual topics, and even if they were, she played her roles so outstanding, that 'usual' becomes 'unusual'. Generally, films with Michelle are good ones.

Coming back to "Dangerous Minds" and the idealistic touch on the story: even though the real version of it is slightly different, the message is quite clear.
If only there were more people who have such a passion for what really means something to them, and use their passions, believes and hopes for a 'better world' and go for it... would we then end up living in paradise, but without 'gangsta's'?

J

Smooth

Smooth... there is something about the word alone that makes it so, well .... smooth really. There are lots of words you could use to try to describe it, like soft, sensual, but nothing gives me the same little sensational feeling when I hear this specific word. Weird maybe, but whatever.

One of my favorite songs of Santana is Smooth, which gives a sexy dimension to the word itself, don't you think? Some women go for chocolate, some for diamonds and pearls, and me? Just give me something smooth...

J

Dream About Me

When she woke up, it was just starting to get light outside. She could hear it was raining. Another day was waiting and she knew she had to get up.

But before she did, she closed her eyes again, just for a moment, and recalled the moments she didn't want to let go. Like a vision, it was there... With a smile on her face, she stretched her body slowly and got out of bed. Another day was waiting.

But she longed for the coming night already. She wished it was dark, late and time for bed. 'Cause then, she could relive those moments again, but much longer and intensive then just before. For now, all that was left to do, was waiting.

While the day moved on, she found herself more than once whispering some words of this particular song, that seemed to be repeated numerous times in her head.

"Babe, ooh dream about me,

I wanna be yours
I want you to be mine
Against red skies, for long time"

J

Addicted

There's music that makes me weak. It all depends on mood, situations, experiences etc. of course, but the soft spot is always touched. And I can't help it. I don't know what went wrong when I (and so my brain) was created, apart from the ADHD-thingy. Apparently a group of silly cells decided to stick together and form a part of my mind of which I cannot seem to get any control of. In fact, quite often it takes over and controls every single bit of my thinking process. Some sort of addiction really.

Now, this has some plus points. Especially when I feel good, happy, sexy or similar, it is great to be able to let yourself go, if possible that is. Don't we all have our moments when we hear a specific song and voila, we're back in those days when we .... well, did whatever we were doing whilst whomever was singing whichever song. Ah, memories...

Don't know about the sad and bad memories though. Mostly ones you DO NOT want to think about anymore, you prefer NOT to be reminded of and you, most certainly of all, don't want to go through that situation again. Ever. Even if it is only a memory. One thing leads to another and before you know, you're crying your eyes out again and feel the urge to go out and look for him/her and kick their ass anyway. Which you should have done years ago. (But didn't).

And then, there are the "in between's". Not perfect but not too dreadful too. The wishing, waiting, wanting moments. Memories that even despite the fact that maybe what you were wishing, waiting and wanting for didn't happen, still brings a smile on your face and makes you wander of... Some of those can actually be applied to several different occasions. A form of multi- functional use of emotional reactions from the brain (which is great, as for me emotional reactions can be quite an exhausting exercise).

So, to give you an idea, the following song is one of these. It triggers me to step out of daily life routines and sit back & smile, thinking about what happened. (Or didn't).

J

The phantom of the opera

Bl.... annoying with no internet access, so every time I want to check mail, blog or whatever, have to go out and ask nicely, (sometimes rude if nice doesn't help... ;-)) to borrow someones PC etc.
But when times are rough (duh), there's always Antonio.

My gosh, if I could have the chance to spend just a few hours with him, I would quite happily sacrifice another couple of weeks without internet. But no more than that, and he's married anyway.

J

Make A Memory

Not much time right now, but just had to post this one as it is very good, to my humble opinion. Very, very good indeed.... but very, very bad for melodramatic moods...
(before you know it, you've spend far too much time on reliving your own memories, as you realised too late that you've been listening to this song for the last 3/4 of the hour because of that bloody repeat-button)

J


Bon Jovi - Make a Memory

Hello again, it’s you and me
Kinda always like it always used to be
Sipping wine, killing time
Trying to solve life’s mysteries

How’s your life, it’s been a while
God it’s good to see you smile
I see you reaching for your keys
Looking for a reason not to leave

If you don’t know if you should stay
if you don’t say what’s on your mind
Baby just breathe
There’s no where else tonight we should be
You want to make a memory

I dug up this old photograph
Look at all that hair we had
It’s bittersweet to hear you laugh
Your phone is ringing I don’t want to ask

If you don’t know I’ll understand
If you stay, hey, I’ve got a plan

You want to make a memory
You want to steal a piece of time
You can sing a melody to me
And I can write a couple lines
You want to make a memory

If you don’t know if you should stay
And you don’t say what’s on your mind
Baby just breathe there’s no where else tonight we should be
You want to make a memory
You want to steal a piece of time
You can sing the melody to me
And I can write a couple lines
You want to make a memory
You want to make a memory

I'll be your love

As said before, I was somehow really intrigued about the band X Japan. A bit of googling provided lots of info; unfortunately the first I discovered was that one of them died: Hide. Of the remaining members one specifically is still very succesful and that's Yoshiki. Of what I've seen, he goes through life without the wild hair style now, but he hasn't lost any of his talent. Gosh, he's great! He writes beautiful music but most of all I love the way he plays the piano.

Found an absolute lovely proof of that on YouTube. The woman who's singing is Nicole Scherzinger of the Pussycat Dolls and they're performing together with the Tokyo City Philharmonic Orchestra. The original was with Dahlia, but couldn't find the video of that. It is part of Yoshiki's solo project called Violet UK.

I love this song, especially when I feel like I do now.

J

Tell Me 'Bout It

If you wanna get in the mood, this will most probably do!

J

I'll be watching you, again...

This might just explain it a little more...

J

ps images like this should be forbidden

I'll be watching you...

Remember my weak spot for Robert Downey Jr.? If not, then you should feel guilty about not having read the whole blog ;) If you do, then I don't have to be embarrassed about the following:

Top Synergy Group Jo and Robert Downey Jr.

I knew it. Robert and I would make a great couple. I mean, gosh, look at the figures! That says it all, right? Just a bit of a shame really, that he doesn't know this. Oh well, as long as I do, I'm ok with it.

OK, I'll cut the crap now and it's back to reality. This was just one of those silly tests you'll find on the net, and I thought that the results were hilarious, but good enough to share it. Found it via one of these Google ads, whilst checking out one of my favorite clips of Ally McBeal. Mr Love is singing together with Sting the classic "Every breath you take". Don't need much imagination for a bit of fantasizing... I'll be watching you...

J