Still Standing

One of the most difficult sides of making major decisions in life, is the feeling that you have to defend yourself for choosing them. I specifically say "feeling" as in fact it's something that doesn't necessarily have to be part of it. Most of the time, it's all down to yourself really. Which is easier said then done of course.

In general, it is up to you whether or not you allow these feelings in and/or have influence on what they do to you. Not that I am such a know-it-all in these matters; far from that actually. I have quite often been led by my seemingly instinctive defence system, at times even before people had said or done anything, just because I was worried/frightened that they would.
Looking back on life, I totally understand how I created this self defence side of me. I always found it hard to cope with that gut feeling, and I think that might cause that one tends to look for somebody to blame. In my case, that wasn't so difficult. Since my childhood there have been plenty of those around. But is that fair?

Call me whatever you like, but at nearly 40, I still strongly believe that everybody starts life with a good heart. Depending on their development and experiences in life, they turn out to be what they are, or do a very good job on hiding that and protect themselves by putting on a mask. For some, life is more a survival of the fittest. If you take that into consideration, it is a little easier to try not to blame someone.

So recently I've been trying hard not to be defensive, and not to blame someone, apart from myself at times. To be able to do that, I've got to act out of a different thinking process. (But that's something for another post...) I'm certainly not there yet and, although it feels that (especially at this particular phase of my life) I'm being 'tested' to the extremes, I am not giving up.

Like I said: definitively not there yet, and I'm so tempted sometimes to go back to my usual habits... But then, there's always a little kick in the butt to keep you going, and that's good... even if it's my own rebellious butt...

J

You could never know what it's like
Your blood like winter freezes just like ice
And there's a cold lonely light that shines from you
You'll wind up like the wreck you hide behind that mask you use

And did you think this fool could never win
Well look at me, I'm coming back again
I got a taste of love in a simple way
And if you need to know while I'm still standing you just fade away

Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I'm still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind

I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah, I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah

Once I never could hope to win
You starting down the road leaving me again
The threats you made were meant to cut me down
And if our love was just a circus you'd be a clown by now