Wasting Time
The low part of the "up & down" feelings of these days, stuck its head up again. Not that I didn't expect 'going down' at times, but the 'up' was at one point so high, that it felt vertigo - like. To then find yourself a considerable amount of virtual metres lower is tough, even when predicted.
But you know what? Low was not the same depth as before. Neither was the height, actually.
Gosh, if that's what the vertigo feeling is all about, I will voluntarily spend the rest of my life on top of that sky scraper, enjoying the drowsiness, holding on to the swirl, causing my head to spin like mad. Like on a roller coaster ride, when the adrenaline is produced at top speed, and the nearly complete out of control feeling is actually the best you've ever had. The pauses in between are essential, so you can catch your breath before you loose it all, after which all you can say is "Wow...!". And "wow" to me is quite often the equivalent of "can I have some more please??"...
Obviously you can tell, I easily tend to get lost in my wow's of life. And when it happened, going down was like a crash landing after falling of those rosy clouds way up high. But the last time, even though the distance between those two was bigger then ever, the landing was a lot less rough. I won't say it didn't hurt, but I can sooth myself with some incredible wow-memories.
This was actually the first time that I felt I had a bit of control over the mood swings. Discovery: I cannot stop them, but if I try, I can have a say in it. Quite an optimistic view on the matter, I know, especially when it's a weak spot. But if I fail again, I know I've tried.
The way up could have been less high, but on this occasion I went for the ultimate, daring that decisions like this can be made upon no expectations. Realising this, it will slightly break your fall, and you are much more able to enjoy the wow-time on the rosy clouds.
You might think that without any expectations, you could be chasing the risky side of life. Some would even call it wasting your time. But from now on, I'll give it a shot anyway. And even if it means that according to them, I sometimes did waste my time, I can at least say:
"but WOW! Did I enjoy that!".
(All I have to learn now, is not to ask for more. Any suggestions?)
J
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