Won't understand and perhaps you'll never will

Been listening to a particular Jay Chou song recently. It's titled "Chrysanthemum Stage".

Was not too much of a Jay Chou fan in the past, but he blew me away with this particular song. It has the classical elements of traditional Chinese music coupled with great lyrics of melancholy. Of course, the MV wasn't much to shout about, but listening to it incessantly is good enough.

I feel like I can immerse myself in it, together with my emotions. No, not that I have been feeling out of sorts. Just that life is chugging along at the moment. It's one of those things where a slight push in any direction could potentially give me a taste of heaven or get me crashing down to earth.

There is no real joy. There may be laughter but they rarely originate from the deep recesses of my soul. It's one of those superficial ones that you react to when you hear a lame joke or when you have no choice but to be patronising. It has been a long time since I last laughed from my heart and am genuinely happy.

There is sadness. Not the overwhelming, overpowering type that brings me a step closer to being depressed, but one that somehow simmers in the background, threatening to swallow me up once a trigger is detected.

Of course, hide these emotions I must. There are words I shall not speak. Observations and emotions I shall not share. A voice that will not betray my thoughts. Not when there are vindictive people around who will use whatever they have to tear one to shreds. Or that perhaps there is nothing much beyond the assurances of concern and "I do care" rhetoric.

Even when I was in the depths recently, I found no listening ear. In years past, they would bristle with desperation and threaten to knock me down when the loneliness gets too much. Yet, over time, I learnt and adapted. Through that process, my heart became wrapped tighter with cynicism and the strong belief that all men were born evil. When you expose your heart, you are creating an opening for people to come in and f*** you all up.

I guess that's how Kurt Cobain came up with the song "Rape Me". A long time ago, when I posted the lyrics on my site, people were asking what strange song was that. However, unless they felt it immensely themselves, they would never ever understand what the song was about and how things in life can drive one towards such emotions.

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So here I am. Running away from my main site. Trying to find a new place where I can just write out my thoughts without bringing judgement onto myself.

So thanks to J for hosting me.