That I would be good...

Even if I've neglected this blog for so long...

Well, ok, it wasn't much of a choice really. Let's just say that I was unavailable. But honestly, it was never my intention to stay away for more than a year! Shocking how time flies, but forget about the "having fun"-bit. I have discovered that time flies too when the days don't seem to end, with too much crap to fill given the hours.

So what have I done?
I've tried to be good. And it took me a year + to realise that I've tried to be good for anyone and anything else apart from myself. That's no good, is it?

That's called failing. In this case, failing miserably.

Now I know, this sounds quite harsh and ofcourse I know that I have tried very, very hard, so why can't I be a little more loving towards myself? See that 'trying' is at least a lot better than giving up and show the world your middle finger?

'Cause apparently, me trying to be good wasn't spotted (enough) by many people who are part of my life. Yes, they saw me struggling and fighting, but hey, in the end the results were not what they expected so, mission failed. Game over.

Wanna play again?

For years, I kept on going and tried to learn and understand the rules of the game. The do's and don't's of this life, as they come along - like instructions written in the manual of this really complicated hi-tech gadget (made in China, but o so badly translated into English ofcourse). Having said that, consider yourself lucky if you ever did find that bl.... manual; at least you've gót something that provides a bit of information, even if half of it looks more like it's written in some sort of alien language.

But some players of this lifelong contest just don't get it, literally and figuratively. Doesn't mean that they don't want to play, though. Or have the right to get more than one chance to master the necessary skills.

You never know.... they maybe don't play like you, but they might be good!

Humps & Lumps

(Conversation with myself)
Let's face it J, life is crap. Well, at the moment, anyway. And crap is not really the proper word to use here, but moody mood swings are present and cause this somewhat sarcastic state of mind. And hey, as I am talking to myself, nobody hears it, right? So stop worrying about the words I use, ok?

So, as life is crap, I should do something about it. Having said that, "doing something about it" is actually causing more crap right now. But the purpose of it all, is that the crap eventually will become less and may even only be this nasty but tiny spot on the background. The getting rid of crap (-feelings) asks a lot of me, and I think that I need some good stuff to keep me going.

The reason I'm telling me this happens to be, again, a "guilty feelings-one". For god's sake, I had a good evening right? Why feel guilty about it?! I did something I have been wanting to do for a while now:

I had a Tai Chi lesson.

It was one of the best things I've done for a long time. This was only the first lesson, but it left me wishing I'd done it much sooner. One of the many facts I noticed, was the awareness of myself. I couldn't see myself but I felt every bit of my body. This is actually for another post, but there's just one more thing I have to say: every bit of my body meant also: every hump and lump of my body. Funnily enough I couldn't be bothered. In fact, when cycling back with Motek and Mad-hd, I was constantly thinking about Alanis Morissette's extremely hilarious cover of The Black Eyed Peas' original so, in terms of "some good stuff": have a laugh (and please, don't feel guilty about it)!

speak to you soon,
J

Isn't it ironic? (with thanks to Alanis)

Didn't I say it yesterday? Easier said then done.

Certainly when depressed, I haven't got many of those bright moments like previous post. Knowing what to say, how to describe it, expressing my thoughts and feelings, proving my point, setting my targets and goals, and having the nerve to actually share it all with the rest of the world.

(you will be punished, you know... you'll pay the price!)

So everything I stated before, came back at me and like little demons started to let me face the music.

(oh well, if you know better, than show us, prove it, let us see what you meant by that!)

More on this later, as I am still not sure how to actually do what I said.

J