Lost

What I can't, is looking at photographs. It hasn't always been like that. But the last few years it started (from getting this vague, melancholic pain flowing into a sharp scratch on an already wounded soul), and it slowly got worse. So these days, I can't even look at a certain photo without having this like automatic need to curl up, shiver, cry, wanting to dissappear, far, far away...

At this moment, I know I am at an alarming state in that matter, 'cause I noticed that the only two photo's in a frame that I've got, I have turned around. So all I see is the back of it. I can see they're still there, but I cannot face them. Literally. I cannot see their faces. The pain is too deep, the guilt is killing me, and I cannot find the right words to tell myself it's going to be alright. Whatever I do, there is no sense, no real sense, to explain why this all happened, how it got this far, and for which benefit it was needed.

So I feel waisted. I feel lost.

Have I waisted most of my years? And have I waisted most of my precious time with them? Have I lost many opportunities in my life? And did I loose some of the most important moments with them? Have I lost the chance of being there for, and with, them?

I usually have no trouble coming up with some sort of solution, clever statement or what have you. Not that I always have the wisdom of putting words into action in matters on my personal, emotional state. But like I said, I can't even find the proper words now, let alone doing something with their meaning.

I feel lost. And fear that I am.

J

Renewal

~ prompt of Writers Island - wk5 ~

Renewal of the soul - 4 by *nusbaum on deviantART

Renewal...
They say your renewal can only take place when you have been very close to death. Like nearly touching this cold, hated but so common "friend of life". So close, it's frightening; only 2 options remain and that is to flight or fight...

Fight...
It's when you fight that you gain the chance of renewal. Renewal of that piece of you, that is so badly damaged, that with all of the little life that's left in there, it screams desperately for help. No one can hear it though, apart from you. For it is you, and only you, who can answer the question, supply the demand, fill in the needs, make the u-turn.

Pain...
The pain may seem unbearable, your soul's severely injured but the hurt, this time, won't be like a companion of the enemy, but your friend. For it is so intense, that it provides you with a source of energy that nothing and nobody else can give you. It is a boost nearly too hot to handle.

Chance...
But it's a chance and you grab it: simply because you already choose to fight and that is exactly the one and only reason why this chance is here, right in front of you and there is no way that you'll let go.

Heal...
Wounds take time to heal. The tissue of your skin is remarkably well capable of creating new cells and forming a new layer of protection of your body. Sometimes the wounds have been so bad that this new layer may not look like what was there before. Scars appear and they can be a horrible reminder of what happened there before. But no matter how ugly, they are there and protect you.

Overcome...
For me, renewal of the soul can take place when not only having been so close to death, but also by to overcome the fear of it. You need fear to fight, but never fear fighting.

Renewal....
Sometimes, life's renewal isn't what you expected it to be. Sometimes the renewal of your soul is showing a complete different side of you, unknown before. But, take a closer look. Feel it, can you feel how thick this new layer of skin, this renewal is? The scars may seem ugly, look so different than what was there before.... yet, it may do one hell of a better job of protecting you.


So drive me out, yeah
Out to that open field
Turn the ignition off
And spin around
Your help is here

J

Live - Overcome
Uploaded by Live-official

Trouble

O no, I see,
A spider web is tangled up with me,
And I lost my head,
The thought of all the stupid things I'd said.

O no, what's this?
A spider web, and I'm caught in the middle,
So I turn to run,
The thought of all the stupid things I've done,

And I never meant to cause you trouble,
I never meant to do you wrong,
And I, well if I ever caused you trouble,
And oh no, I never meant to do you harm.

O no, I see,
A spider web and it's me in the middle,
So I twist and turn,
Here am I in my little bubble,

Singing out loud, I never meant to cause you trouble,
And, I never meant to do you wrong,
And I, well if I ever caused you trouble,
Oh, no I never meant to do you harm.

They spun a web for me,
They spun a web for me,
They spun a web for me.

J

Innocence

Outside ideas of right doing and wrong doing there is
a field. I'll meet you there.
~ Rumi

Innocence

is a term that describes the lack of guilt of an individual, with respect to any kind of crime, sin, or wondering.

(Children are usually considered to be innocent and to gradually lose this attribute through maturity by gaining knowledge of the adult world).
source: Wikipedia.

For I never want my loved ones to loose their innocence.

J

Puzzle

I remember when I was a child, there was this puzzle that I had been working on for a long time, well maybe not that long, but considering the ADHD brain it was for me most certainly a VERY long time. All would have been fine, if not for the fact that in the end, I discovered there were 2 pieces missing. Do you know how frustrating that is, especially for a kid, that you can't finish it? It felt like I had completely waisted all my time.

It's funny how the same situation is different when you're about 20, 30 years older. This time the one who is completely blowing it all out of proportion is not you, but your own child. Of course you understand its frustration, and the loudly expressed tantrum that follows (most likely you actually see yourself as a child again). After an impressive escape from being hit by the carton box of this puzzle you perform a vague attempt to calm down your very hacked off child. Not that you think it helps, but hey, you're a mother (or father) so that's what you do. You show some understanding and you tell him/her it's not the end of the world.

Probably it's better, that it doesn't help right away. You've gotta learn to realise yourself that there are worse things in life than an incomplete puzzle. The only thing a parent can hope for is that these attempts of comforting and explaining, will in the end help a child to be able to understand, out of its own feelings and emotions, what is really important, or not.

If only growing up and learning to deal with likewise matters of life, was 'as simple' as a kid's puzzle with a few missing pieces. It gets a lot more complicated. And as every person is different from the other, there are different ways and different forms of abilities in people in relation to this "growing up business".

You may think by now that I totally lost it, starting with a simple example of an incomplete puzzle and ending up talking like Freud. But what I actually mean, is that even complicated situations in adult life, can be approached like a puzzle with a few missing pieces. Obviously, I know there's a significant difference between for example a Teletubbies-puzzle and an ending relationship, but maybe, just maybe we should actually try now and again to go back to childhood and see the world a bit less complicated. Maybe we should give ourselves the chance again to have a more innocent look at life.

'Cause maybe, when confronted with incomplete puzzles... we might have a tantrum, throw a little fit, or whatever... but then, like being comforted by our mother,
we are able to calm down, understand, accept. And deal with it. The small advantage of adulthood is that we've hopefully developed enough of our Theory of Mind, so this dealing is done to our best intentions, for the ones around us, as for ourselves.

(I probably go too far with suggesting we could let this immaturely be followed by insisting we need an ice cream to feel better , right?)

J

Still Standing

One of the most difficult sides of making major decisions in life, is the feeling that you have to defend yourself for choosing them. I specifically say "feeling" as in fact it's something that doesn't necessarily have to be part of it. Most of the time, it's all down to yourself really. Which is easier said then done of course.

In general, it is up to you whether or not you allow these feelings in and/or have influence on what they do to you. Not that I am such a know-it-all in these matters; far from that actually. I have quite often been led by my seemingly instinctive defence system, at times even before people had said or done anything, just because I was worried/frightened that they would.
Looking back on life, I totally understand how I created this self defence side of me. I always found it hard to cope with that gut feeling, and I think that might cause that one tends to look for somebody to blame. In my case, that wasn't so difficult. Since my childhood there have been plenty of those around. But is that fair?

Call me whatever you like, but at nearly 40, I still strongly believe that everybody starts life with a good heart. Depending on their development and experiences in life, they turn out to be what they are, or do a very good job on hiding that and protect themselves by putting on a mask. For some, life is more a survival of the fittest. If you take that into consideration, it is a little easier to try not to blame someone.

So recently I've been trying hard not to be defensive, and not to blame someone, apart from myself at times. To be able to do that, I've got to act out of a different thinking process. (But that's something for another post...) I'm certainly not there yet and, although it feels that (especially at this particular phase of my life) I'm being 'tested' to the extremes, I am not giving up.

Like I said: definitively not there yet, and I'm so tempted sometimes to go back to my usual habits... But then, there's always a little kick in the butt to keep you going, and that's good... even if it's my own rebellious butt...

J

You could never know what it's like
Your blood like winter freezes just like ice
And there's a cold lonely light that shines from you
You'll wind up like the wreck you hide behind that mask you use

And did you think this fool could never win
Well look at me, I'm coming back again
I got a taste of love in a simple way
And if you need to know while I'm still standing you just fade away

Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I'm still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind

I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah, I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah

Once I never could hope to win
You starting down the road leaving me again
The threats you made were meant to cut me down
And if our love was just a circus you'd be a clown by now

still, it hurts

well, this got me quiet for a while (= impressive)

Just as good as well, as today was low, very low. Hope I'll fall asleep soon, tomorrow is another day...

J

=

MY IMMORTAL, endless hurts

Why is it, that every time I think I finally understand the moody business, it feels like I'm being tested?

Why do I feel that I have to prove myself to this horrible voice inside me, again, when I felt confident enough to stand up and let it all out? Damn!

My head is filled with questions. Maybe I'm wrong, but who knows: is it part of the long road to the full acceptance of yourself? That you also have to accept that those feelings will never die? Immortality for the negative? Are the bumps in the road reminders of the vulnerable you, tortured by the bad and stubborn little demons in your head? And when you stumble and fall flat on your face, they turn to you like Anne Robinson and viciously say:

"You're the weakest link, goodbye!"

Oh well, if testing me is what they want, then let them (said with my brave face-mask on). When I get my act together, I'll fight back. For now, I have to focus on getting the strength back, without being disturbed or influenced by whatever or whoever is trying to do so. As usual, my fav recipe is used again to try to fulfill my needs. Suppose you can call that testing too.

And anyway, feeling weak is almost a pleasure with this Evanescence song...

Wasting Time

lyrics - Snow Patrol Lyrics

The low part of the "up & down" feelings of these days, stuck its head up again. Not that I didn't expect 'going down' at times, but the 'up' was at one point so high, that it felt vertigo - like. To then find yourself a considerable amount of virtual metres lower is tough, even when predicted.

But you know what? Low was not the same depth as before. Neither was the height, actually.

Gosh, if that's what the vertigo feeling is all about, I will voluntarily spend the rest of my life on top of that sky scraper, enjoying the drowsiness, holding on to the swirl, causing my head to spin like mad. Like on a roller coaster ride, when the adrenaline is produced at top speed, and the nearly complete out of control feeling is actually the best you've ever had. The pauses in between are essential, so you can catch your breath before you loose it all, after which all you can say is "Wow...!". And "wow" to me is quite often the equivalent of "can I have some more please??"...

Obviously you can tell, I easily tend to get lost in my wow's of life. And when it happened, going down was like a crash landing after falling of those rosy clouds way up high. But the last time, even though the distance between those two was bigger then ever, the landing was a lot less rough. I won't say it didn't hurt, but I can sooth myself with some incredible wow-memories.

This was actually the first time that I felt I had a bit of control over the mood swings. Discovery: I cannot stop them, but if I try, I can have a say in it. Quite an optimistic view on the matter, I know, especially when it's a weak spot. But if I fail again, I know I've tried.

The way up could have been less high, but on this occasion I went for the ultimate, daring that decisions like this can be made upon no expectations. Realising this, it will slightly break your fall, and you are much more able to enjoy the wow-time on the rosy clouds.

You might think that without any expectations, you could be chasing the risky side of life. Some would even call it wasting your time. But from now on, I'll give it a shot anyway. And even if it means that according to them, I sometimes did waste my time, I can at least say:
"but WOW! Did I enjoy that!".

(All I have to learn now, is not to ask for more. Any suggestions?)

J

Believe in me

"Do you have Lenny's "Believe in me?"" she asked him, when he was looking for some music on his PC. She stood behind him, and looking at his back, she couldn't resist leaning against him, feeling the warmth of his body.

He didn't have it, which was a shame really. It would have perfectly suited the moment. How perfectly 'perfect' it would have been, she only realised later.

It took her a while to grab herself back together again, but she managed. It was rewarding in the end. She had the feeling they both were able to do better this time. She believed in him and that also meant that she had to allow herself to trust that he believed in her too.

Desires, wishes, needs. They all deserve a different approach sometimes and in a way she was proud of discovering that. All you need to start is to believe in yourself. When you do this, you can honestly say out loud: Believe in me. And what follows is that the one you say it out loud to, instantly feels that you believe in him/her too. Call it a circle of trust.

She knew it wasn't always going to be easy; it may take a long time before discovering, via accepting and trying, ends up in achieving. But she had the will to try and the first attempt was succesful.

Thank God he didn't have Lenny's "Believe in me" though. She would have failed miserably if he did.

J

Up and down

Seems like a constant battle these days, fighting the mood swings. Not that I don't understand why they appear, but as I have been so positive about my big jump, it worries me that baddies might win from the goodies.

So I keep on telling myself that self trust is the key to "win" this battle. Have been working really hard on the self trust front but I am definetely not there yet. HWSNBM gets in the way. And that hurts.

And then, all of the sudden, the phone rings and one of my friends is on the line. Hadn't spoken to her for ages but that happened before and never was a problem. Same for today, 2 hours later she was here and we had such a good time together, loads of hugs and sharing stories; she makes me feel so great, in whatever state I am in. Brietje, I love you! Thanks, again...

Nearly 5 o'clock now, so must make a move and get on "with it", whatever it is, that needs to be done. But I won't be able to do much, if I can't get HWSNBM out of the way a bit.
Only a bit though, wouldn't want to miss out completely!

J

Weakness in me

When feeling low, I like to "treat" myself with a dreadful but lovely amount of hours surfing the net. As I love music, a fair bit is spend on searching for and listening/watching songs. That's one of my weaknesses.

So I stumbled upon this one, which touches me so much and makes me really want to see The L Word series (another good reason for surfing). Melissa Etheridge is so good anyway, her voice goes right through you and I admire her strong personality.

As I was writing this post, I realised that I wondered whether or not I would offend some people who have "a problem" with lesbians. But hey, this is my blog, and I do most certainly not have "a problem" with lesbians/gays whatsoever, so what should stop me posting it? Why did I even think that way?

Because I am used not to think for myself enough, always worried what others may feel or say. But that is coming to an end, I do not want to be influenced by other's opinions. I also don't want to be ashamed or embarrassed about my own personality, as long as I don't hurt someone of course.

Whatever, it won't hurt anybody if I say that I like lesbians. Or gays. Or the so called "straight". And if it does,
so be it.

J

Love is not blind; it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less.

During the last couple of weeks, I was being told, more than once but by the same person, that "love is blind". This is not world-shocking news, I know, but what was shocking to me, is that this person who repeatedly said it to me, is the same who's proving it to be wrong! And I should probably even thank HWSNBM.

While he said this / his statement, all I could do was nod "yes I know...", struggling with sadness, tears, frustration, fear. And, until then, I thought that it was true anyway. I mean, gosh... the number of times that I've heard those words, I never even questioned them, 'cause they always come to you when you've just learned that the one you love, is either not interested, interested but not only in you, gay or married.
Apparently you were blind for all these so obviously present distinctive parts of character which didn't match or didn't combine with yours.
So at that moment, there is nothing as good as victimizing yourself. Put on some music guaranteed to start a stream of tears, pour your heart out and wish him hell. Or worse.

But no matter how sweet this tastes, like heavenly gorgeous caramel sauce covering your tortured soul.... it doesn't last very long. (And believe me, caramel sauce to me is the ultimate divinity! Well, when it comes to food related matters anyway).
And unlike with caramel sauce, the aftertaste is bitterly nasty and you realise it didn't help at all. Nothing turned into something more positive, and if you dwelled on the anger, hurt and frustration long enough, it only made life worse.

Sometimes it is just plain good to be melancholic and make yourself feel even more horrible then you did before. It may even be a way of "switching on" your self-healing mechanism, to start feeling better. But you only feel better when you go through the whole situation again, this time with an open mind and the ability to see everything, all signs, which were there before but you just didn't notice them. Or you even ignored them.

The only way in this to help yourself, is to look at this situation through loving eyes. The same love that made you be there with him/her in the first place.

Now the outcome may well be that you still feel the same about this person. But if you look closely enough, it won't be 100% the same. Part of it will feel different, because you realise that you not noticing these specific parts, caused the wrong interpretations, which were most likely followed by the wrong decisions.

Putting it all back to myself, I feel sorry. Sorry for myself that I wasn't able to see. Or didn't take the chance to see. Sorry for the moments that because of that I felt angry or upset about the results of the misinterpreted words or behaviour. Out of this anger or hurt came my reaction, in self defence, trying to protect myself for even more of those negative and painful feelings.

Most of the time, there is no-one to blame. Not even you. For why would you deliberately hurt yourself?

Suppose with all of these situations alike, you, in the end, will learn. Learn to know and trust yourself. Learn to have the guts to see more, see it all. I really want to believe that the reward for that is sweet: your heart and mind will be one, you feel and know the truth about love.

It probably tastes a lot better than caramel sauce!

I'll let you know when that happens. I am still in the process really, the victimizing bit. So much moody music, I just quite haven't finished listening to all of it yet.


J