That I would be good...

Even if I've neglected this blog for so long...

Well, ok, it wasn't much of a choice really. Let's just say that I was unavailable. But honestly, it was never my intention to stay away for more than a year! Shocking how time flies, but forget about the "having fun"-bit. I have discovered that time flies too when the days don't seem to end, with too much crap to fill given the hours.

So what have I done?
I've tried to be good. And it took me a year + to realise that I've tried to be good for anyone and anything else apart from myself. That's no good, is it?

That's called failing. In this case, failing miserably.

Now I know, this sounds quite harsh and ofcourse I know that I have tried very, very hard, so why can't I be a little more loving towards myself? See that 'trying' is at least a lot better than giving up and show the world your middle finger?

'Cause apparently, me trying to be good wasn't spotted (enough) by many people who are part of my life. Yes, they saw me struggling and fighting, but hey, in the end the results were not what they expected so, mission failed. Game over.

Wanna play again?

For years, I kept on going and tried to learn and understand the rules of the game. The do's and don't's of this life, as they come along - like instructions written in the manual of this really complicated hi-tech gadget (made in China, but o so badly translated into English ofcourse). Having said that, consider yourself lucky if you ever did find that bl.... manual; at least you've gót something that provides a bit of information, even if half of it looks more like it's written in some sort of alien language.

But some players of this lifelong contest just don't get it, literally and figuratively. Doesn't mean that they don't want to play, though. Or have the right to get more than one chance to master the necessary skills.

You never know.... they maybe don't play like you, but they might be good!

No retreat

There's a reason why I haven't been writing much lately. At the moment I think it's too complicated to explain it personally, but as usual, I give it a go with music. With a song that sets the right atmosphere. With lyrics that tells you how it feels.


I think I should stop thinking lightly about coincidence, by the way. After reading DW's last post, considering what I am going through, I believe there's a reason, or a meaning, for this.
DW, stand your ground...


J

I just know there's no escape now
once it sets its eyes on you
but i won't run, have to stare it in the eye

Stand my ground, I won't give in
no more denying, I got to face it
won't close my eyes and hide the truth inside
if I don't make it, someone else will stand my ground

Though this might just be the ending
of the life I held so dear
but I won't run, there's no turning back from here


Stand my ground

Strangers

(Writers Island prompt of wk 7)

Every once in a while, someone, or something, you've know for a long, long time, happens to be, say, do, behave, act or react completely different than what you expected. A certain situation which could have been common, turns out feeling strange. And close friends, whom you thought you knew so well, may come across as complete strangers.

Sometimes, for some of us, it happens to be your own person who is surprising you with unpredicted thoughts or emotions. Those moments can be some of the most frightening ones in life. But no matter how much fear they cause, don't try to turn your back on them and try to run or hide. These moments are a sign, even an alarming signal sometimes, that there's something wrong, and you've got to stop, think about and listen to what these strange feelings are trying to say.

Strange emotions may end up feeling familiar when you open yourself and think about it. A stranger may end up being the best friend you've ever had. Or even the most beautiful love of your life....

J

So lets get down to it baby
There ain't no need to lie

Tell me who you think you see
When you look into my eyes

Lets put our two hearts back together
And we'll leave the broken pieces on the floor
Make love with me baby
Till we ain't strangers anymore

Lost

What I can't, is looking at photographs. It hasn't always been like that. But the last few years it started (from getting this vague, melancholic pain flowing into a sharp scratch on an already wounded soul), and it slowly got worse. So these days, I can't even look at a certain photo without having this like automatic need to curl up, shiver, cry, wanting to dissappear, far, far away...

At this moment, I know I am at an alarming state in that matter, 'cause I noticed that the only two photo's in a frame that I've got, I have turned around. So all I see is the back of it. I can see they're still there, but I cannot face them. Literally. I cannot see their faces. The pain is too deep, the guilt is killing me, and I cannot find the right words to tell myself it's going to be alright. Whatever I do, there is no sense, no real sense, to explain why this all happened, how it got this far, and for which benefit it was needed.

So I feel waisted. I feel lost.

Have I waisted most of my years? And have I waisted most of my precious time with them? Have I lost many opportunities in my life? And did I loose some of the most important moments with them? Have I lost the chance of being there for, and with, them?

I usually have no trouble coming up with some sort of solution, clever statement or what have you. Not that I always have the wisdom of putting words into action in matters on my personal, emotional state. But like I said, I can't even find the proper words now, let alone doing something with their meaning.

I feel lost. And fear that I am.

J

Tired of being sorry

For a thousand reasons that I know
To share forever the unrest
With all the demons I possess
Beneath the silver moon

Maybe you were right
But baby I was lonely
I don't want to fight
I'm tired of being sorry

Forgive me my mistakes, for I sometimes don't realise what I am doing wrong...

Forgive me for being unreliable, for I sometimes can't even rely on myself...

Forgive me for the smile on my face, for it is sometimes just the mask I wear...

Forgive me for being complicated, for I have trouble myself to gain peace of mind...

My "demons"... They're not an excuse. They're not a scapegoat. I wish I could say I have an explanation for my behaviour. But to be able to explain, don't I need to have 'full understanding of the subject'?

And what if I haven't got that yet?

Forgive me all, for asking so much patience...

(Who would have thought that he could hit me with this song (and lyrics) right on the spot?)


J

Writing

(Sunday Scribblings)

Sometimes, when I speak, people don't seem to understand what I say.
Sometimes, when I look, they don't see what I observe.
Sometimes, when I think, people have no clue what's on my mind.
And sometimes, when I cry, they don't know what it's all about....

What can one do to be heard? To be seen, to be understood? To be comforted?

I cannot expect people to know me. For it is difficult enough to know 'me' myself.

But sometimes, it makes you feel so alone. All by myself....

and that's the reason I write.
Because then, I can speak, look, think and cry as if I am not alone out there...

J

Trouble

O no, I see,
A spider web is tangled up with me,
And I lost my head,
The thought of all the stupid things I'd said.

O no, what's this?
A spider web, and I'm caught in the middle,
So I turn to run,
The thought of all the stupid things I've done,

And I never meant to cause you trouble,
I never meant to do you wrong,
And I, well if I ever caused you trouble,
And oh no, I never meant to do you harm.

O no, I see,
A spider web and it's me in the middle,
So I twist and turn,
Here am I in my little bubble,

Singing out loud, I never meant to cause you trouble,
And, I never meant to do you wrong,
And I, well if I ever caused you trouble,
Oh, no I never meant to do you harm.

They spun a web for me,
They spun a web for me,
They spun a web for me.

J

Be

The mind can see,
As long as you'll be,
For real with yourself,
And you'll forever be...

How close the meaning of these words above come to me...

This is the real truth, written down in 4 simple lines; yet it may be the hardest lesson of life. If you think about it, it's easy to say you want to be honest and open to yourself but doing it as well... you will have to read between your own lines, dig deep, and be brave enough not to ignore your image of the mirror you're looking at: your soul, your heart. That is the real you.

To hold that image up high, show the world who you really are and with the courage to let see you accept yourself, the consequences and your responsibilities, with all your ups and downs, your positive sights and the negative ones, that will be the most rewarding, beautiful and enriching goal of life.

Then you'll forever be...

J

Life

Out of bed very early this morning, and apart from how I was woken up, it was worth it. A beautiful morning, all you could hear were the birds singing and chatting away, the sun was out and the sky amazing.

And as I stood there outside, still feeling and looking rosy, I once again realised how breathtaking life can be. My body started shaking, not heavily, but enough to feel the warmth of love running through my heart and soul.

Everybody has the right to feel what I felt this morning. Give yourself the chance. A start to achieve it could be by reading this.
If nobody else does, wake yourself up. I can tell you, it is worth it...

J

Take It Easy with Decisions

Relax
There is an answer to the darkest times.
It’s clear we don’t understand but the last thing on my mind
Is to leave you.
I believe that we’re in this together.
Don’t scream – there are so many roads left.

Relax, take it easy
For there is nothing that we can do.

(this week's Sunday Scribblings)

Decisions.... how I hate them. Though I try to make sure that most of the time people think that I am the type that "knows what she wants", "goes for it" and all that stuff, the opposite is quite often more the case.

Well, it's not really that I don't know what I want and/or don't go for whatever "it" is... it's just that my lack of self confidence now and again wins and that's when the doubting hits me. Panic, worries, questions and lots of "what if's" fill my head and if I'm not careful I start playing hide and seek. Unfortunately, I'm very good in hiding....

I started to think what kind of positive twist I could give to this hiding business. I know I should try to fight this seemingly instant reaction (stop hiding, face the music, deal with it!) but that's easier said then done and knowing me, it will sometimes be too much to ask from myself. So why won't I take little steps at the time and have more chance of 'success'? The good thing about hiding is that you can allow yourself to take a look at yourself and the situation you're in, without having this feeling of pressure that you have to handle it right there and then, and oh by the way, don't make any mistakes!!

So I hide, take a step back and....

relax, take it easy.... all is so much different when you give yourself the opportunity to see where you are and what you're in without letting stress overtake the important moments of your life.

Mika has it right with his latest song, don't you think? Hey, I might even start appreciating the fact that I have the chance of making decisions...

J

Addicted

There's music that makes me weak. It all depends on mood, situations, experiences etc. of course, but the soft spot is always touched. And I can't help it. I don't know what went wrong when I (and so my brain) was created, apart from the ADHD-thingy. Apparently a group of silly cells decided to stick together and form a part of my mind of which I cannot seem to get any control of. In fact, quite often it takes over and controls every single bit of my thinking process. Some sort of addiction really.

Now, this has some plus points. Especially when I feel good, happy, sexy or similar, it is great to be able to let yourself go, if possible that is. Don't we all have our moments when we hear a specific song and voila, we're back in those days when we .... well, did whatever we were doing whilst whomever was singing whichever song. Ah, memories...

Don't know about the sad and bad memories though. Mostly ones you DO NOT want to think about anymore, you prefer NOT to be reminded of and you, most certainly of all, don't want to go through that situation again. Ever. Even if it is only a memory. One thing leads to another and before you know, you're crying your eyes out again and feel the urge to go out and look for him/her and kick their ass anyway. Which you should have done years ago. (But didn't).

And then, there are the "in between's". Not perfect but not too dreadful too. The wishing, waiting, wanting moments. Memories that even despite the fact that maybe what you were wishing, waiting and wanting for didn't happen, still brings a smile on your face and makes you wander of... Some of those can actually be applied to several different occasions. A form of multi- functional use of emotional reactions from the brain (which is great, as for me emotional reactions can be quite an exhausting exercise).

So, to give you an idea, the following song is one of these. It triggers me to step out of daily life routines and sit back & smile, thinking about what happened. (Or didn't).

J

Stupid

I woke up this morning with Robbie Williams. Not literally of course, but in my head. Together with Nicole Kidman, singing 'Something Stupid'. Lucky me.

Although most will call it weird, I think it's quite amazing how the brain, in this case mine, works. Especially considering it's early morning. The idea to wake up with Robbie may seem pretty stupid enough, but that he is actually singing about stupidity, makes it suddenly rather clever!

I hate being called stupid. Like probably everyone hates it. (You're not stupid, right? And if you are, there's only one who can call you stupid and that is yourself). What is it that makes you so hacked off when someone calls you stupid... and what exactly does stupidity mean? Maybe we get so wound up about it because our ignorance stopped us looking any further and we might have missed the complete answer to that question.

Well, you'll be pleased to know that according to Wiki, stupidity is not all that bad. It actually states it as a quality! Ha! And yes, I know there's a wide explanation for the word 'quality', but still, it's not a negative approach. Part of the article says :

So the quality of something depends on the criteria being applied to it. Something might be good because it is useful, because it is beautiful, or simply because it exists. Determining or finding quality therefore involves an understanding of use, beauty and existence - what is useful, what is beautiful and what exists.

So most of the time, the feelings that appear when called stupid, are right. You disagree, because you feel or think differently about something. Your criteria is not the same as the person who is telling you you're daft.

'criterion (plural criteria)

1. A standard or test by which individual things or people may be compared and judged.'

Let's be honest, these standards or tests are only there because a majority of people has roughly the same opinion about a certain matter. But that doesn't mean it is the one and only truth! And it certainly doesn't rule out the possible value of your criteria.

Anyway, I'm drifting off, as I was only trying to make clear that waking up with Robbie Williams and Nicole Kidman isn't stupid at all, not to me, on this morning. I actually think I had pretty damn good reasons to wake up singing with Robbie. I was even more convinced when I read the following quote in the same article:

" The stupider something seems, the more important it probably is. "

Now I can't be ignorant to that, can I? That would be just so stupid.

J

About last night

Years and years ago I watched a film with this same title. To be honest, I haven't got a clue what it exactly was all about, but that's not relevant. All I remember is that it involved 2 people, who had this amazing night-time experience together, wonderful. But then comes the next day.
I'm sure that the rest of the movie was about how each of them dealt with that night, how they felt the next day and how, in the end, as a good tear jerker of a film should end in the first place, both persons and both versions of that night-time experience come together and melt passionately into one (again...).

Well, that is definitely not how my night-time experience was. And I also haven't got a clue why that film shows up in my head, as it is so the opposite of what my night was like. But then, a lot of the things that show up in my head are hard to follow, if not completely impossible, plain stupid, the highest form of idiocracy.

I sometimes start doubting that whole "fresh start" thing.

J

(seen it? / click on title post)