That I would be good...

Even if I've neglected this blog for so long...

Well, ok, it wasn't much of a choice really. Let's just say that I was unavailable. But honestly, it was never my intention to stay away for more than a year! Shocking how time flies, but forget about the "having fun"-bit. I have discovered that time flies too when the days don't seem to end, with too much crap to fill given the hours.

So what have I done?
I've tried to be good. And it took me a year + to realise that I've tried to be good for anyone and anything else apart from myself. That's no good, is it?

That's called failing. In this case, failing miserably.

Now I know, this sounds quite harsh and ofcourse I know that I have tried very, very hard, so why can't I be a little more loving towards myself? See that 'trying' is at least a lot better than giving up and show the world your middle finger?

'Cause apparently, me trying to be good wasn't spotted (enough) by many people who are part of my life. Yes, they saw me struggling and fighting, but hey, in the end the results were not what they expected so, mission failed. Game over.

Wanna play again?

For years, I kept on going and tried to learn and understand the rules of the game. The do's and don't's of this life, as they come along - like instructions written in the manual of this really complicated hi-tech gadget (made in China, but o so badly translated into English ofcourse). Having said that, consider yourself lucky if you ever did find that bl.... manual; at least you've gót something that provides a bit of information, even if half of it looks more like it's written in some sort of alien language.

But some players of this lifelong contest just don't get it, literally and figuratively. Doesn't mean that they don't want to play, though. Or have the right to get more than one chance to master the necessary skills.

You never know.... they maybe don't play like you, but they might be good!

Sacrifice

I'm carefully peeking my head around the corner....



I'm building up strenght to come back, to wherever I was when I "left" before.

The last months have been hard, sucking up all my energy and left me with no choice than to look after myself. The things that happened along that way had a huge impact. This piece of music tells the story, of how it was, and is, for me.

I'll be back.
J

No retreat

There's a reason why I haven't been writing much lately. At the moment I think it's too complicated to explain it personally, but as usual, I give it a go with music. With a song that sets the right atmosphere. With lyrics that tells you how it feels.


I think I should stop thinking lightly about coincidence, by the way. After reading DW's last post, considering what I am going through, I believe there's a reason, or a meaning, for this.
DW, stand your ground...


J

I just know there's no escape now
once it sets its eyes on you
but i won't run, have to stare it in the eye

Stand my ground, I won't give in
no more denying, I got to face it
won't close my eyes and hide the truth inside
if I don't make it, someone else will stand my ground

Though this might just be the ending
of the life I held so dear
but I won't run, there's no turning back from here


Stand my ground

Renewal

~ prompt of Writers Island - wk5 ~

Renewal of the soul - 4 by *nusbaum on deviantART

Renewal...
They say your renewal can only take place when you have been very close to death. Like nearly touching this cold, hated but so common "friend of life". So close, it's frightening; only 2 options remain and that is to flight or fight...

Fight...
It's when you fight that you gain the chance of renewal. Renewal of that piece of you, that is so badly damaged, that with all of the little life that's left in there, it screams desperately for help. No one can hear it though, apart from you. For it is you, and only you, who can answer the question, supply the demand, fill in the needs, make the u-turn.

Pain...
The pain may seem unbearable, your soul's severely injured but the hurt, this time, won't be like a companion of the enemy, but your friend. For it is so intense, that it provides you with a source of energy that nothing and nobody else can give you. It is a boost nearly too hot to handle.

Chance...
But it's a chance and you grab it: simply because you already choose to fight and that is exactly the one and only reason why this chance is here, right in front of you and there is no way that you'll let go.

Heal...
Wounds take time to heal. The tissue of your skin is remarkably well capable of creating new cells and forming a new layer of protection of your body. Sometimes the wounds have been so bad that this new layer may not look like what was there before. Scars appear and they can be a horrible reminder of what happened there before. But no matter how ugly, they are there and protect you.

Overcome...
For me, renewal of the soul can take place when not only having been so close to death, but also by to overcome the fear of it. You need fear to fight, but never fear fighting.

Renewal....
Sometimes, life's renewal isn't what you expected it to be. Sometimes the renewal of your soul is showing a complete different side of you, unknown before. But, take a closer look. Feel it, can you feel how thick this new layer of skin, this renewal is? The scars may seem ugly, look so different than what was there before.... yet, it may do one hell of a better job of protecting you.


So drive me out, yeah
Out to that open field
Turn the ignition off
And spin around
Your help is here

J

Live - Overcome
Uploaded by Live-official

The Journey

~ prompt of Writers Island - wk4 ~ (my point of view with mask on)

Remember, when you were a kid, in the back seat of the car, going on holiday? The excitement? Although your dad only just drove off, it felt like ages and all you could think of was "are we there yet?!"... Nowadays that scene could be sketched like in Shrek 2, you are Donkey and your parents, very frustrated, played one hell of a good copy of Shrek and Fiona.

I was never very good "with journeys", even though I used to (and still do actually) love taking part of it. But hey, patience... right? For most of the journeys, you need it and that's exactly what I lack of....

So when thinking about a "journey", the silly part of me is totally on Donkey's side...





(my point of view without mask on)

You're getting older
Your journey's been etched
On your skin

"Are we there yet?"
This journey seems to last forever. But maybe that's exactly how it's supposed to be. Some sort of a never ending trip, but with the difference that the destination of it, is to actually learn to 'travel', to make the best out of it, to enjoy the surroundings of the road you follow, and to know where you're heading to.

There's nothing wrong with "looking back", as long as you keep on your track, going forward, open minded, excited and wondering ... am I there yet?

I love traveling my journey, I'm just not very good at it. I've probably just never really grown up.

J (Donkey)

The Key

~ prompt of Writers Island - wk3 ~

Several reasons for why it took me ages before I completed my post for WI prompt this week:

• whilst on my swing of moods, I seem to get stuck every time I passed the "down"-bit. As I am still in the middle of the process of figuring out the do's and don'ts of Me, Myself and I, it wasn't a surprise, but falling can be painful...
• I am trying to be more aware of not only myself, but also people, around me and general. It's a rewarding 'investment', but also a confronting and energy consuming one.
• work, of course.
• and I've got a bit of a flue (which is probably also related to the first reason mentioned)

All in all, thinking about what I wanted to write regarding the words "The Key", set me off and (oh how I "love/hate" my hyper focus now and again...) I found I had far too much to write about.

The key; it links to so many things in life. The key to your heart, your soul, the door, happiness, the truth, and so on. And every single example needs more than a few lines written about it.

I panicked. Missing out on this week's prompt wasn't an option. If I had nothing to tell, if it was a subject which means nothing to me, I would have been OK with skipping. But no, I had so many thoughts and triggers that I couldn't ignore them.

Then, I stumbled upon this amazing project: 6 billion Others

I read, listened and watched all of the whole site. It is one of the best things I have come across on the Internet. Ever. I got enormously impressed by the person who's behind this idea: Yann Arthus-Bertrand.

And, I realised that this is it. This is The Key. In fact, I would call it the Master Key.
For it will open all of our hearts, souls and doors, and happiness and truth will be there for all of us.

Achieving this Utopia seems so unrealistic and ridiculous. The lock that is blocking us all from getting there, seems impossible to open. But at least, someone tries and you've got to admire him for that.

He opened the door to my heart anyway...

J

Tired of being sorry

For a thousand reasons that I know
To share forever the unrest
With all the demons I possess
Beneath the silver moon

Maybe you were right
But baby I was lonely
I don't want to fight
I'm tired of being sorry

Forgive me my mistakes, for I sometimes don't realise what I am doing wrong...

Forgive me for being unreliable, for I sometimes can't even rely on myself...

Forgive me for the smile on my face, for it is sometimes just the mask I wear...

Forgive me for being complicated, for I have trouble myself to gain peace of mind...

My "demons"... They're not an excuse. They're not a scapegoat. I wish I could say I have an explanation for my behaviour. But to be able to explain, don't I need to have 'full understanding of the subject'?

And what if I haven't got that yet?

Forgive me all, for asking so much patience...

(Who would have thought that he could hit me with this song (and lyrics) right on the spot?)


J

Dear Diary, I want to be Forever Young

(Sunday Scribblings)

When I was young, I kept a diary. I think I was roughly at the age of 14, 15 when I started writing in it. I remember very well what my first diary looked like: a little but thick book, of which the outside was covered with Chinese silk, mainly red with a green and black pattern. Unlike most diaries, it had no lock. And that's what, in the end, caused its death.

I used to poor out my heart in that way. Being a teenager, and a girl (which makes a difference generally, as girls at that age can be quite over the top with their emotions), I thought writing about my life would help, expecting a huge change soon to come. Why was that? And what was I expecting to change?

Looking back, I so much more understand why I kept the diary, why I mainly wrote about boys, boys & boys and how disappointed I quite often was. At first it may sound silly. A diary is supposed to be secret, if only a little, right? It's yours and yours only and for no one to be read apart from you. And if the hypothesis is that writing it is going to help you sort your (love-)life out (or at least create a clearer view on it), it is a very good thing to do. But somehow, I wrote my diary with a sort of weird hope that others would read it, and of course would act on it and then, everything was going to be alright....

Childish behaviour, but then, I still was one. Nowadays, I know what I was hoping to achieve wasn't silly, but the way how, I got it all wrong. You write a diary for yourself. And if you are honest and true, you get a pretty good look at yourself. And if parts of that don't make you happy, or pleased, or whatever, you can maybe track back the if's, why's and how's so you learn from your mistakes, miscalculations, misunderstandings...

But you can never expect someone else to be responsible for your downsides, bad habits, weak points or ignorance. Even when you think they caused it, it is still you who is able to stop or change it; and if you can't you'll have to work on your emotional response and act on it, or (depending on the matter) don't act on it.

The last half year or so, I have been more and more convinced that this is the path to follow on your way to happiness. To love and be loved. Maybe it was coincidental that I started to write this blog? Isn't a blog quite often an adult version of a child's diary? Again, this "diary" is written with the hope others read it. But now, I do not have the expectation that someone else will act on it and "clear up the mess I've made". Now, I want to do that myself.

It's just that sometimes I wish I was that child again. And that somebody would have shared this knowledge with me so I would have had a complete different diary. One I would have kept, so I could read it again when I would be older. Then, afterwards I would close it and start a new diary.

The opening words?

Dear Diary, I want to be forever young….

J

Be

The mind can see,
As long as you'll be,
For real with yourself,
And you'll forever be...

How close the meaning of these words above come to me...

This is the real truth, written down in 4 simple lines; yet it may be the hardest lesson of life. If you think about it, it's easy to say you want to be honest and open to yourself but doing it as well... you will have to read between your own lines, dig deep, and be brave enough not to ignore your image of the mirror you're looking at: your soul, your heart. That is the real you.

To hold that image up high, show the world who you really are and with the courage to let see you accept yourself, the consequences and your responsibilities, with all your ups and downs, your positive sights and the negative ones, that will be the most rewarding, beautiful and enriching goal of life.

Then you'll forever be...

J

Life

Out of bed very early this morning, and apart from how I was woken up, it was worth it. A beautiful morning, all you could hear were the birds singing and chatting away, the sun was out and the sky amazing.

And as I stood there outside, still feeling and looking rosy, I once again realised how breathtaking life can be. My body started shaking, not heavily, but enough to feel the warmth of love running through my heart and soul.

Everybody has the right to feel what I felt this morning. Give yourself the chance. A start to achieve it could be by reading this.
If nobody else does, wake yourself up. I can tell you, it is worth it...

J

Roger Hodgson-You Make Me Love You

Sitting there with an extremely big smile on her face, just staring in the distance, not knowing how to describe that feeling in her heart, her head, her whole body actually.... all she knew was that it was there, this truly warm and sensational feeling and that it was growing, slowly but surely, day by day. It nearly frightened her, that process that seemed to be uncontrollable; no way she could stop it. Just as well, she didn't want it to stop anyway...

All these confusions, the wonderful emotions, the fear of lack of control and at the same time this craving for more. She then suddenly realised that it was ok.

It's all right. You make me love you....

J

It's My Life (for the sake of love)

The beginning of love
is to let those we love be perfectly themselves,
and not to twist them to fit our own image.
Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.
.....Thomas Merton


These words, to me, are so true... yet the meaning of them is probably one of the hardest ones in life to practise, to receive, to fulfill. But the first step to feel what is meant here, is to start with yourself. If you want others to let you be who you really are, then you've got to show it them. It takes a lot of practise and asks a lot of you, but you have the right to do it,
it's your life...

J

It's My Life
This ain't a song for the broken-hearted
No silent prayer for the faith-departed
I ain't gonna be just a face in the crowd
You're gonna hear my voice
When I shout it out loud

It's my life
It's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just wanna live while I'm alive
It's my life

This is for the ones who stood their ground
For Tommy and Gina who never backed down
Tomorrow's getting harder make no mistake
Luck ain't even lucky
Got to make your own breaks

It's my life
And it's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just want to live while I'm alive
'Cause it's my life

Better stand tall when they're calling you out
Don't bend, don't break, baby, don't back down

It's my life
And it's now or never
'Cause I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just want to live while I'm alive

It's my life
And it's now or never
'Cause I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just want to live while I'm alive
'Cause it's my life!

Next step - good step

O my... today the next step of the big jump - preparation appeared...: I have a (temporary) house!

Pictures above are to give you the idea of what it looks like (the middle two are of the "hofje" where I am: left is the front view of the entrance and right gives you a peek into its garden).

What goes on in my head now, is bloody difficult to explain. In fact, explaining it is that difficult that I won't even bother trying. The mixed feelings are a bit overwhelming. To get my thoughts straight, I need to let it sink in.

But a brain working at high speed sorting out its emotional state, doesn't necessarily mean that it's all depressing; (well, it might be) but to block the most depressing thoughts, why not try to cheer myself up a little bit. With the usual recipe, of course.

Now, this time it's rather different than what you would expect. Yes, it's Michael W. Smith, and yes, he's religious and makes worship-music, but this is just SO uplifting!! Every time I hear it, it makes me feel good. Or at least feel better.
And hey, ~love me good~, that can be applied to anything and anyone, right?

And now you just have to excuse me, I'm going to try to feel good.
J

Opportunity, (short story on how thinking could become acting)

Tired, very tired; not physically though, more tired "upstairs" as she would call it. That's how she felt. Drained. But still, it surprised her how strong and powerful that same tired head motivated her to continue. Aware of the flashes of fear, uncertainty and worries, all trying to get rid of the brave attempts to build up self confidence, she kept on telling herself to focus on this motivating force and not to waste it. For this might be an opportunity that doesn't come around often.

The last few days had been very hard and, she realized again, she still instinctively felt the need to defend and prove herself. Instead of aiming her thoughts to the ones who (she thought) gave her this feeling, she worked on the thoughts themselves, trying to figure out why they were there in the first place. It wasn't an easy thing to do, but this was all part of learning to deal with her own responsibilities.

When you realise that you are responsible for your own life, including the consequences of these responsibilities, you find there are a whole lot more opportunities than you would think of. And if you feel instinctively that they could help you to become what you want to be, should you waste them?

J

Lief (-my love, be with me-)

In terms of 'aesthetic music' again: here's one of my favorites, this time in Dutch (so aesthetic-bit actually only applies to the non-Dutch speaking). But it is a perfect example really, of how beautiful something can be, without even fully understanding it.

As I say "fully", I'll tell you a little bit what it means, as it's, now that I think about it, so applicable to this blog's name. The person who's singing is going to make a major choice in life, not knowing exactly what the result of that will be, how he'll do it, or why. But he knows it is the right thing to do, as his heart and soul tell the same story, asking the same question. And he wants to share his destination with the one he loves ("lief") so he is reaching out and asking to be hold and joined along the way.

It's a question in its most pure, bare form. To be able to ask your love to be with you that way, is a true blessing.

J

Bløf - Omarm

About last night

Years and years ago I watched a film with this same title. To be honest, I haven't got a clue what it exactly was all about, but that's not relevant. All I remember is that it involved 2 people, who had this amazing night-time experience together, wonderful. But then comes the next day.
I'm sure that the rest of the movie was about how each of them dealt with that night, how they felt the next day and how, in the end, as a good tear jerker of a film should end in the first place, both persons and both versions of that night-time experience come together and melt passionately into one (again...).

Well, that is definitely not how my night-time experience was. And I also haven't got a clue why that film shows up in my head, as it is so the opposite of what my night was like. But then, a lot of the things that show up in my head are hard to follow, if not completely impossible, plain stupid, the highest form of idiocracy.

I sometimes start doubting that whole "fresh start" thing.

J

(seen it? / click on title post)

Today is the first day of the rest of your life

I suppose somebody once came up with this quote, strongly suggesting that there's always the chance of starting fresh all over again. While I always consider a positive look at life better than a negative one, some days I just don't feel that it works that way.

And today is one of those. Weird thing is, that I actually, this day, did start all over again, but fresh is quite the opposite of how I feel. I probably am far too impatient. I mean, hey, this is only day 1! But wouldn't day 2 start better when you felt fresh the day before?



Getting ready for the big jump

How I ended up here, and why I am so desperate to "give life another go", will become clear the more I write and post. So if you figured it out, would you be so kind to tell me what happened? It just might fresh up my memories...

J