I'm carefully peeking my head around the corner....
I'm building up strenght to come back, to wherever I was when I "left" before.
The last months have been hard, sucking up all my energy and left me with no choice than to look after myself. The things that happened along that way had a huge impact. This piece of music tells the story, of how it was, and is, for me.
I'll be back.
J
There's a reason why I haven't been writing much lately. At the moment I think it's too complicated to explain it personally, but as usual, I give it a go with music. With a song that sets the right atmosphere. With lyrics that tells you how it feels.
I think I should stop thinking lightly about coincidence, by the way. After reading DW's last post, considering what I am going through, I believe there's a reason, or a meaning, for this.
DW, stand your ground...
J
I just know there's no escape now
once it sets its eyes on you
but i won't run, have to stare it in the eye
Stand my ground, I won't give in
no more denying, I got to face it
won't close my eyes and hide the truth inside
if I don't make it, someone else will stand my ground
Though this might just be the ending
of the life I held so dear
but I won't run, there's no turning back from here
Stand my ground
~ prompt of Writers Island - wk3 ~
Several reasons for why it took me ages before I completed my post for WI prompt this week:
All in all, thinking about what I wanted to write regarding the words "The Key", set me off and (oh how I "love/hate" my hyper focus now and again...) I found I had far too much to write about.
The key; it links to so many things in life. The key to your heart, your soul, the door, happiness, the truth, and so on. And every single example needs more than a few lines written about it.
I panicked. Missing out on this week's prompt wasn't an option. If I had nothing to tell, if it was a subject which means nothing to me, I would have been OK with skipping. But no, I had so many thoughts and triggers that I couldn't ignore them.
Then, I stumbled upon this amazing project: 6 billion Others
(Sunday Scribblings)
Sometimes, when I speak, people don't seem to understand what I say.
Sometimes, when I look, they don't see what I observe.
Sometimes, when I think, people have no clue what's on my mind.
And sometimes, when I cry, they don't know what it's all about....
What can one do to be heard? To be seen, to be understood? To be comforted?
I cannot expect people to know me. For it is difficult enough to know 'me' myself.
But sometimes, it makes you feel so alone. All by myself....
and that's the reason I write.
Because then, I can speak, look, think and cry as if I am not alone out there...
J
The mind can see,
As long as you'll be,
For real with yourself,
And you'll forever be...
How close the meaning of these words above come to me...
This is the real truth, written down in 4 simple lines; yet it may be the hardest lesson of life. If you think about it, it's easy to say you want to be honest and open to yourself but doing it as well... you will have to read between your own lines, dig deep, and be brave enough not to ignore your image of the mirror you're looking at: your soul, your heart. That is the real you.
To hold that image up high, show the world who you really are and with the courage to let see you accept yourself, the consequences and your responsibilities, with all your ups and downs, your positive sights and the negative ones, that will be the most rewarding, beautiful and enriching goal of life.
Then you'll forever be...
J
Out of bed very early this morning, and apart from how I was woken up, it was worth it. A beautiful morning, all you could hear were the birds singing and chatting away, the sun was out and the sky amazing.
And as I stood there outside, still feeling and looking rosy, I once again realised how breathtaking life can be. My body started shaking, not heavily, but enough to feel the warmth of love running through my heart and soul.
Everybody has the right to feel what I felt this morning. Give yourself the chance. A start to achieve it could be by reading this.
If nobody else does, wake yourself up. I can tell you, it is worth it...
J
Covers of existing songs can be awful, an humiliation for the one who wrote and/or sung it before... but some of them are sometimes even better, or just a good try, or make the song a complete different version of the original.
This last option goes for "My Immortal" - Gregorian style. It's one of my favorite songs anyway, and this gives it a very unusual twist... love it!
J
A few days ago, on my way to town, I was listening to the radio (what's new?) and heard Gangsta's Paradise again. I love it, it first of all reminds me of Grandmaster Flash & The Furious Five with The Message, a rap song out of my younger years (duh...), of which I knew the full lyrics (yes, really!) and used to sing it so many times that it drove my mum crazy. Secondly, I love it's stimulating you to think about life for some people these days. I'm lucky enough not to live in a massive city, with loads of unemployment, poverty, drug problems, etc. The song's about (kids) growing up and living in places like that, and how it effects their chances in life.
Along with the song, came "Dangerous Minds" (probably the other way around, whatever). A great movie about this teacher who tries to do her job at a school in a similar neighbourhood as described above. It's a true story. Of course, it's a movie and therefore less realistic than it actually was, but still, it is good. And the main character is played by Michelle Pfeiffer, an actress I highly appreciate.
Anyway, via Wiki I eventually ended up checking out a site, owned by the person behind this role of Michelle, and it was an interesting read. But most interesting of all, I was yet again hit by the fact that when I surf the Net searching for several sources of info (without the intention to search for a specific item, I mean), I end up with sites that are actually about my hot topics in life. This time it was ADHD. (Which is a very hot topic in my life, whether I like it or not, as I am driven by it. Literally).
Reading one of the articles about several "disorders" and temperament, I came across the link to do this online test, and hey, guess what... :
this is me...
I've never been to Ireland, but hopefully, one day I will. I love the UK and its variety of country side, and I think Scotland is one of the most beautiful places I've ever been. But for some reason I feel it's incomplete, I just have to try to visit Ireland sometime.
When I was a kid, I had horse riding lessons. I remember I was just so excited about it. We use to live right next to a park, which was great fun anyway, and I walked my dog in that park every evening. But in the middle of the area there was a horse riding club & stable, and I can imagine myself again when, in the summer, the lessons took place outside and I could watch it from the side.
Remember those childish feelings of jealousy? I just stared at the girls who were lucky enough to have parents with lots of money (in a kid's eyes anyway) who could pay for their daughters wish to ride horses.
I don't remember exactly the ins and outs, but my parents did not have the money to provide me with these lessons. But they did have friends, a couple of 2 gay men (which was, for those days, quite amazing when you would have known my parents, who were very religious and there was no such thing as "gay" allowed usually). Again, I don't know exactly why, but I was offered the opportunity to have horse riding lessons, and they would pay for it. I vaguely remember that I had to achieve something before I earned it, but anyway, I seem to have managed because I had quite a lot of lessons. And it felt like a dream come true.
That's when I first got the wish to go and see Ireland. I remember when, after the lessons, I went to the canteen to go and get a drink. And while I was waiting for my turn at the bar, I used to look at the magazines that were there. Inside was lots of advertisement for horse riding holidays, and mainly in Ireland. Breathtaking photographs of people on horses, making their way through the hills, heading towards the sea shore, where they wouldn't even have to urge the animals to a higher speed, as the horses already smelt the salty water and started to gallop to feel the waves.
Of course my daydreaming was smashed to pieces every time I drifted off and spoke out my wishes. My parents didn't have the money for stuff like that, and my two "gay uncles" were nice but not able to provide cash for luxury holidays for kids. And when I was old enough to earn cash myself, it just never happened. But the dream remains.
Years ago, when in the UK at my former parents-in-law, I sat behind the TV and watched a video G put on. It was a recording of Riverdance, the Irish performance that was originally composed for the Eurovision Song Contest (I think), but was such a success that it was made into a full show which went to theatres worldwide. It was amazing.
At some point there was this bloke, Davy Spillane, who sat down on a chair on stage, on his own, and started to play the Uilleann pipes. I was absolutely gobsmacked. And I knew instantly that this piece of music was going to be played at my funeral. (So when I'm dead and you visit my last farewell party, you'll hear it, and if not, nobody bothered to read my will, nor took notice of this post).
But as said before, this dream is still here, so before I pop off, I really would like to go there and ride a horse through the shorelines of the Irish beaches.
Until then, I don't mind combining one thing with the other, and use my originally funeral music for some daydreaming instead. See if you like it....
(and for those who are interested: Cúchulainn is a good example of one of the greatest Irish folk legends around).
J
I always have loved to watch those 'talent-shows', Idols, The X-factor etc. While I hate the whole overexcited scene's around it, the build up along the way towards the finals is great. First of all, you're being served with great comedy watching the first few rounds, as you get to see the most embarrassing, hilarious and dread full performances of people who actually think they're the next Kelly Clarkson or suggest they could fill in for Robbie in Take That. Yes I know, it's a sad way of taking the micky out of star-wannabees. But sometimes you've gotta do what you've gotta do.
After that, the tears of laughter are replaced by a simmering excitement, as the ones who make it through the next rounds, are slowly winning your heart (or not) because they actually can sing (or not) or at least prove that there's something special hiding in there. All they need is a bit of Simon Cowell and off they go...
The last episodes are quite often no good for social life, as you constantly argue with family and/or friends about who should win this competition, and why, and why not?!??! When the show is over, you have to get yourself out of the habit to plan your whole week around the TV times-schedule, telling you exactly when you will be available for your kids, partner and so on, but mainly very clearly when not.
In that way, it's a good thing that I don't watch TV anymore. Frightening sometimes when you realise what kind of effect it can have on human behaviour and socializing habits. And as I sometimes still regret that I can't follow up all these fun things on telly, I rest in the assurance that when worse comes to worst, there's YouTube.
That's how I found Connie.
It's not only the sweet little face of this girl which attracted me to watch the video. It was a combination of that and the likely hood of another great comment of Simon, plus the title of the song which was "Somewhere over the rainbow". All together something I couldn't resist and I pressed Play. The next few minutes I was staring at the screen, probably with my mouth open and completely taken by the amazing sound of that little girl.
I realize it all depends on one's mood, the way one can think about Simon Cowell or little people who perform like miniature Eva Cassidy's whilst they should actually still play with their favorite dolls. But I find it hard to believe that there is someone who cannot be touched by watching this little treasure who's been found somewhere, over the rainbow...
J
I have to say that when I heard this one at first, what I thought of it would be kinda rude to post. It sort of automatically headed towards the category "elevator - music", which, if really unlucky, will end up in my vomit - section. But something happened to stop that process and what that "something" is, I have no idea, but it did a u-turn and sprinted into the direction of my favorites.
Michael Bublé. Every time I hear this song of him, I'll find myself singing along and only find out about the ridiculous loud volume when it stops. So if this is for others still "elevator - music", I will quite happily spend a few hours a day in high buildings.
It's got everything I sometimes need to cheer me up.
J
Smooth... there is something about the word alone that makes it so, well .... smooth really. There are lots of words you could use to try to describe it, like soft, sensual, but nothing gives me the same little sensational feeling when I hear this specific word. Weird maybe, but whatever.
One of my favorite songs of Santana is Smooth, which gives a sexy dimension to the word itself, don't you think? Some women go for chocolate, some for diamonds and pearls, and me? Just give me something smooth...
J
Bl.... annoying with no internet access, so every time I want to check mail, blog or whatever, have to go out and ask nicely, (sometimes rude if nice doesn't help... ;-)) to borrow someones PC etc.
But when times are rough (duh), there's always Antonio.
My gosh, if I could have the chance to spend just a few hours with him, I would quite happily sacrifice another couple of weeks without internet. But no more than that, and he's married anyway.
J
Gwen Stefani is one of those women who really impresses me. I admire the way she stands up and performs. Just gotta love her songs... a sweet escape from the common....
J
As said before, I was somehow really intrigued about the band X Japan. A bit of googling provided lots of info; unfortunately the first I discovered was that one of them died: Hide. Of the remaining members one specifically is still very succesful and that's Yoshiki. Of what I've seen, he goes through life without the wild hair style now, but he hasn't lost any of his talent. Gosh, he's great! He writes beautiful music but most of all I love the way he plays the piano.
Found an absolute lovely proof of that on YouTube. The woman who's singing is Nicole Scherzinger of the Pussycat Dolls and they're performing together with the Tokyo City Philharmonic Orchestra. The original was with Dahlia, but couldn't find the video of that. It is part of Yoshiki's solo project called Violet UK.
I love this song, especially when I feel like I do now.
J
There's a lot to say about Elton, mostly positive stuff if it's up to me, but even if you aren't really into his music, this vid must impress you (I assume). Bloody clever, funny and creative song writing. And I thought I was quick, sometimes far too quick with words...
J
The skill of writing is to create a context in which other people can think.
--Edwin Schlossberg--
Since I can remember, I've had this affection for writing. As a child I used to love putting things on paper and then watch to see what people thought about it (me). When they liked it, I felt great. Which is a good thing, if the written paper represents yourself, whenever it's a made up story or not. It motivates you to learn to create your own context.
But in my case, it was quite often about a "made up - me". Looking back, it was all about this little girl who only desperately tried to feel accepted. As I was far too young, I couldn't really put my finger on it, but there was always this feeling that, to others, I seemed not quite on their level. Somehow I just didn't fit in, and for a long time (in reality terms) I never met anyone whom appeared to understand.
But every now and again, I could find myself this match, this team member if you like, that made me feel "to be one of them". Unfortunately, "they" were never real. They were characters in a book. Like my "made up - me", they were just creations on paper, results of other weirdo's in their crying attempt for acceptance. When watching a film, it could have the same effect. If one of the roles in the movie felt right, I wanted to identify myself with it, even though it wasn't for real.
Although never fully 'adapted' to nowadays society, I grew up and was more or less able to at least pretend that I did fit in. It was barely a choice though, it was more of an only option to keep my head above the water. I was lucky that on rare occasions I met such a 'match' in reality. They caused this extreme happy feeling, that I could be the real me, an existing me, not a 'fake J'. But as with all friends (the matching ones and the near), they come and some of them go. And when you're not able to deal with them leaving, you're left with emotions that frighten the life out of you.
Thank God that I've learned the ability to cherish these matches, also when they're gone, or not a visual part of your daily life anymore. I (try to) look back with gratitude, instead of regrets.
It also makes me realise that those people that are still part of my life today, are so important to me. I want to cherish them in the same way. And I do my best to show it, when I see them.
But what if you find another match, a written representation of one, but a grown-up version this time?
A while ago, I was trying to get an explanation about something, Google-searching on the net. I (of course) cannot remember exactly what I was looking for but I stumbled upon one of these rare occasions, a written match, for a change in cyberspace. In terms of the Law of Attraction again, this was right on the spot. What I do remember is that the next hour or so was spend on reading the entire site. (And believe me, with an ADHD-brain like mine, that is a real compliment)!
I won't go into details about what this perticular match means to me. The only thing that matters in my explanation for this, is that it just proves that we all have the right to be yourself. That we can enjoy other's lifes even though you're not 'a daily and/or visual part of it'. That opinions, confessions, values and meanings of others can be shared, accepted and respected, even though you sometimes might not agree on it, or think otherwise. It is something that is worth being cherished. There's no need for me to explain, you can find out for yourself.
So here's to DW, the person who matched my writing voice. Someone I've become very fond of, who's a great talented writer, and makes me just want to get to know him better. Letting him being part of the conversations between me, myself and I is an honour.
Kurt Cobain's "Rape me" is a good way to introduce him to my other matches.
J
This must be my lucky day (well, in terms of finding music/clips). Again something I've been trying to get hold of for ages, which is quite difficult if you cannot remember the title.
(Horrible, this (lack of) memory of mine. In fact, I can't even remember how I actually found it just now. I'm serious, it's only about 15 minutes ago! bugger...)
Whatever, I've got it now so one shouldn't complain really. The original is an opera from Lakmé. This bit of music has been used an enormous amount of times, in several movies and TV-shows, and I think British Airways had an advert with the track. But maybe the most famous scene it's been played in is of The Hunger, with Catherine Deneuve & Susan Sarandon.
Doesn't that suit the music at its best? Hunger...
But this one's pretty too:
well, this got me quiet for a while (= impressive)
Just as good as well, as today was low, very low. Hope I'll fall asleep soon, tomorrow is another day...
J
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