There's a lot to say about Elton, mostly positive stuff if it's up to me, but even if you aren't really into his music, this vid must impress you (I assume). Bloody clever, funny and creative song writing. And I thought I was quick, sometimes far too quick with words...
J
One of the most difficult sides of making major decisions in life, is the feeling that you have to defend yourself for choosing them. I specifically say "feeling" as in fact it's something that doesn't necessarily have to be part of it. Most of the time, it's all down to yourself really. Which is easier said then done of course.
In general, it is up to you whether or not you allow these feelings in and/or have influence on what they do to you. Not that I am such a know-it-all in these matters; far from that actually. I have quite often been led by my seemingly instinctive defence system, at times even before people had said or done anything, just because I was worried/frightened that they would.
Looking back on life, I totally understand how I created this self defence side of me. I always found it hard to cope with that gut feeling, and I think that might cause that one tends to look for somebody to blame. In my case, that wasn't so difficult. Since my childhood there have been plenty of those around. But is that fair?
Call me whatever you like, but at nearly 40, I still strongly believe that everybody starts life with a good heart. Depending on their development and experiences in life, they turn out to be what they are, or do a very good job on hiding that and protect themselves by putting on a mask. For some, life is more a survival of the fittest. If you take that into consideration, it is a little easier to try not to blame someone.
So recently I've been trying hard not to be defensive, and not to blame someone, apart from myself at times. To be able to do that, I've got to act out of a different thinking process. (But that's something for another post...) I'm certainly not there yet and, although it feels that (especially at this particular phase of my life) I'm being 'tested' to the extremes, I am not giving up.
Like I said: definitively not there yet, and I'm so tempted sometimes to go back to my usual habits... But then, there's always a little kick in the butt to keep you going, and that's good... even if it's my own rebellious butt...
J
You could never know what it's like
Your blood like winter freezes just like ice
And there's a cold lonely light that shines from you
You'll wind up like the wreck you hide behind that mask you use
And did you think this fool could never win
Well look at me, I'm coming back again
I got a taste of love in a simple way
And if you need to know while I'm still standing you just fade away
Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I'm still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah, I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah
Once I never could hope to win
You starting down the road leaving me again
The threats you made were meant to cut me down
And if our love was just a circus you'd be a clown by now
Sometimes I just wonder, with important matters of everyday's life, how the brain, and in this case mine, deals with experiences. Don't know about yours, but this particular bit of my head is slowly but surely pushing me into this Hamlet-state of mind. Something like "To be or not to be?" but then slightly less dramatic.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't you suppose to learn from experiences? I know I am led quite often (if not always) by the heart, but WTF,
what's the reason for the being of the brain, if it's not doing what it's supposed to do?!
I have nearly always coped with this question in the same way. My recipe for this type of self medication is music. The ingredients may vary, as do the reasons for using this after wicked behaviour. I mean, listening to "It's my life" by Jon Bon Jovi will not always get me where I want (the 'I don't care, I'll do it my way' - mood). Nor will "I'm still standing" (Elton John) always retrieve the 'but I managed so far, so I feel proud' - voice in my head. And there are plenty of choices for the more 'sad' or 'sorry' kinds of dealing with this brain outlet exposure.
The allmighty "Oh no, I did it again" feeling.
(I prefer 'oh no' instead of 'oops' because before you know it, you've done a Britney and I don't want to end up with a shaved head).
One thing that applies to all of the ingredients, no matter what you wack in the bowl and mix up, the result should be listened to LOUD. And I mean really loud, so that nothing else will interfear and you are completely surrounded by the music. Unless you are driving of course, which asks for a bit of more responsible attention.
One of my favorites, and maybe especially whilst driving but for what reasons I don't know, is from the Black Eyed Peas. And it's multi functional too. Though there is sometimes nothing better than telling somebody else to shut up, it can also be used directed to yourself when you, again, messed up and wished for owning one of Harry Potter's wands: with a "Veni, Vidi, Vadi!" phrase you magically disappear, leaving your witnesses behind wondering what the hell that was all about. You just hope they'll forget or at least pretend it never happened.
But until I am accepted at Hogwarth's, I'll have nothing else to do than hit the volume button and sing along.
I haven't watch TV for a long, long time. The odd episode of Dr. Who shouldn't count. And ok, I admit that now and again a very good movie is a way to shut me up and force me to stay put on the couch. But that's about it.
I somehow stopped watching TV for nearly 2 years ago now, and I haven't looked back since. Of course, surrogate screens make up for it; there's Internet, so checking Google News is the 1st thing I do early morning (after I fed the cats, led the dog out, made coffee, got my cigarettes, led the dog back in, sat behind the PC, walked back to the kitchen to get my pills which I of course forgot again, but hey that's were the pills are for anyway). I may be blond, but not completely stupid: I want to know what's going on in this world. So this type of news checking works for me.
In fact, it's a lot better as well, as I can choose whenever and whatever I want to see/read. The news is more than Bush, economical issues or Downing Street alone. If it wasn't for Google News, I would never have known that Anna Nicole Smith, whilst heavily pregnant and under influence of some sort of illegal drug, was filmed by her not-so-official-husband 3 months before she died (so that the whole world could see how lonely and sad she actually was). I mean, did you know that? You see? Just an example.
I do not miss TV, lets say for about 95%. The remaining part of 5% belongs to MMRSP (Missing My Really Special Programs). These programs vary in contents and importance, but nr. 1 is and has always been Ally McBeal.
I loved it. You could wake me up in the middle of the night, just by whispering "Ally...". But it became more of a problem when Ally's going-to-be-new lover was introduced to the series. It was Robert Downey Jr.
Now I am far from going all wild about actors/actresses, I mean you like them or you don't, some may be even admired, but life in the real world, or in my real world, doesn't look anything like theirs. But then you see Robert. And with Robert, things seem different.
I am certainly not going to explain all the ins and outs of "why precisely Robert, of all the men in the world, is to me the representation of Mr. Love", because I just haven't got the time right now to spend an extra 2 hrs on this post and I might probably bore you to death. (Hard to believe though, but if so, I'm afraid you need a (new) pair of glasses... I mean, have you ever looked into his eyes??)
Last weekend life wasn't easy; 'not easy' in this context are grown-up words for bloody miserable. Because of trying to stay ahead of this state of mind, the dramatic mood swings started to attack. To make things worse of course, I began thinking about Love. There are so many ways of 'being loved', but I realised that it never really occurred to me that there are also different ways of asking for it. Dramatic mood swings then turned into melo-dramatic ones, as I wondered whether or not I might have been asking the wrong Love-question all my life. The "there's no light at the end of this tunnel"-mood was trying hard to approach "just feeling bloody miserable".
But when times are hard, there's always YouTube. It comes close to a life saviour, especially for melo-dramatic types like me. It provides you with a never ending stream of vid's and music so you can create the most perfect drama setting for a good old melancholic crying session. And it's so much easier to look (=ask) for Love as well, instead of in reality. Just type the word into the search field and wow, see that? It's Robert Downey Jr.!
(just in case that he IS your type, you'll probably miss out on the lyrics completely, so they're here too. And Elton, not to be offensive, but thanks for swapping your personal appearance in this vid for Mr. Love himself)
