That I would be good...

Even if I've neglected this blog for so long...

Well, ok, it wasn't much of a choice really. Let's just say that I was unavailable. But honestly, it was never my intention to stay away for more than a year! Shocking how time flies, but forget about the "having fun"-bit. I have discovered that time flies too when the days don't seem to end, with too much crap to fill given the hours.

So what have I done?
I've tried to be good. And it took me a year + to realise that I've tried to be good for anyone and anything else apart from myself. That's no good, is it?

That's called failing. In this case, failing miserably.

Now I know, this sounds quite harsh and ofcourse I know that I have tried very, very hard, so why can't I be a little more loving towards myself? See that 'trying' is at least a lot better than giving up and show the world your middle finger?

'Cause apparently, me trying to be good wasn't spotted (enough) by many people who are part of my life. Yes, they saw me struggling and fighting, but hey, in the end the results were not what they expected so, mission failed. Game over.

Wanna play again?

For years, I kept on going and tried to learn and understand the rules of the game. The do's and don't's of this life, as they come along - like instructions written in the manual of this really complicated hi-tech gadget (made in China, but o so badly translated into English ofcourse). Having said that, consider yourself lucky if you ever did find that bl.... manual; at least you've gót something that provides a bit of information, even if half of it looks more like it's written in some sort of alien language.

But some players of this lifelong contest just don't get it, literally and figuratively. Doesn't mean that they don't want to play, though. Or have the right to get more than one chance to master the necessary skills.

You never know.... they maybe don't play like you, but they might be good!

Sacrifice

I'm carefully peeking my head around the corner....



I'm building up strenght to come back, to wherever I was when I "left" before.

The last months have been hard, sucking up all my energy and left me with no choice than to look after myself. The things that happened along that way had a huge impact. This piece of music tells the story, of how it was, and is, for me.

I'll be back.
J

No retreat

There's a reason why I haven't been writing much lately. At the moment I think it's too complicated to explain it personally, but as usual, I give it a go with music. With a song that sets the right atmosphere. With lyrics that tells you how it feels.


I think I should stop thinking lightly about coincidence, by the way. After reading DW's last post, considering what I am going through, I believe there's a reason, or a meaning, for this.
DW, stand your ground...


J

I just know there's no escape now
once it sets its eyes on you
but i won't run, have to stare it in the eye

Stand my ground, I won't give in
no more denying, I got to face it
won't close my eyes and hide the truth inside
if I don't make it, someone else will stand my ground

Though this might just be the ending
of the life I held so dear
but I won't run, there's no turning back from here


Stand my ground

Lost

What I can't, is looking at photographs. It hasn't always been like that. But the last few years it started (from getting this vague, melancholic pain flowing into a sharp scratch on an already wounded soul), and it slowly got worse. So these days, I can't even look at a certain photo without having this like automatic need to curl up, shiver, cry, wanting to dissappear, far, far away...

At this moment, I know I am at an alarming state in that matter, 'cause I noticed that the only two photo's in a frame that I've got, I have turned around. So all I see is the back of it. I can see they're still there, but I cannot face them. Literally. I cannot see their faces. The pain is too deep, the guilt is killing me, and I cannot find the right words to tell myself it's going to be alright. Whatever I do, there is no sense, no real sense, to explain why this all happened, how it got this far, and for which benefit it was needed.

So I feel waisted. I feel lost.

Have I waisted most of my years? And have I waisted most of my precious time with them? Have I lost many opportunities in my life? And did I loose some of the most important moments with them? Have I lost the chance of being there for, and with, them?

I usually have no trouble coming up with some sort of solution, clever statement or what have you. Not that I always have the wisdom of putting words into action in matters on my personal, emotional state. But like I said, I can't even find the proper words now, let alone doing something with their meaning.

I feel lost. And fear that I am.

J

The Journey

~ prompt of Writers Island - wk4 ~ (my point of view with mask on)

Remember, when you were a kid, in the back seat of the car, going on holiday? The excitement? Although your dad only just drove off, it felt like ages and all you could think of was "are we there yet?!"... Nowadays that scene could be sketched like in Shrek 2, you are Donkey and your parents, very frustrated, played one hell of a good copy of Shrek and Fiona.

I was never very good "with journeys", even though I used to (and still do actually) love taking part of it. But hey, patience... right? For most of the journeys, you need it and that's exactly what I lack of....

So when thinking about a "journey", the silly part of me is totally on Donkey's side...





(my point of view without mask on)

You're getting older
Your journey's been etched
On your skin

"Are we there yet?"
This journey seems to last forever. But maybe that's exactly how it's supposed to be. Some sort of a never ending trip, but with the difference that the destination of it, is to actually learn to 'travel', to make the best out of it, to enjoy the surroundings of the road you follow, and to know where you're heading to.

There's nothing wrong with "looking back", as long as you keep on your track, going forward, open minded, excited and wondering ... am I there yet?

I love traveling my journey, I'm just not very good at it. I've probably just never really grown up.

J (Donkey)

Tired of being sorry

For a thousand reasons that I know
To share forever the unrest
With all the demons I possess
Beneath the silver moon

Maybe you were right
But baby I was lonely
I don't want to fight
I'm tired of being sorry

Forgive me my mistakes, for I sometimes don't realise what I am doing wrong...

Forgive me for being unreliable, for I sometimes can't even rely on myself...

Forgive me for the smile on my face, for it is sometimes just the mask I wear...

Forgive me for being complicated, for I have trouble myself to gain peace of mind...

My "demons"... They're not an excuse. They're not a scapegoat. I wish I could say I have an explanation for my behaviour. But to be able to explain, don't I need to have 'full understanding of the subject'?

And what if I haven't got that yet?

Forgive me all, for asking so much patience...

(Who would have thought that he could hit me with this song (and lyrics) right on the spot?)


J

Writing

(Sunday Scribblings)

Sometimes, when I speak, people don't seem to understand what I say.
Sometimes, when I look, they don't see what I observe.
Sometimes, when I think, people have no clue what's on my mind.
And sometimes, when I cry, they don't know what it's all about....

What can one do to be heard? To be seen, to be understood? To be comforted?

I cannot expect people to know me. For it is difficult enough to know 'me' myself.

But sometimes, it makes you feel so alone. All by myself....

and that's the reason I write.
Because then, I can speak, look, think and cry as if I am not alone out there...

J

Dear Diary, I want to be Forever Young

(Sunday Scribblings)

When I was young, I kept a diary. I think I was roughly at the age of 14, 15 when I started writing in it. I remember very well what my first diary looked like: a little but thick book, of which the outside was covered with Chinese silk, mainly red with a green and black pattern. Unlike most diaries, it had no lock. And that's what, in the end, caused its death.

I used to poor out my heart in that way. Being a teenager, and a girl (which makes a difference generally, as girls at that age can be quite over the top with their emotions), I thought writing about my life would help, expecting a huge change soon to come. Why was that? And what was I expecting to change?

Looking back, I so much more understand why I kept the diary, why I mainly wrote about boys, boys & boys and how disappointed I quite often was. At first it may sound silly. A diary is supposed to be secret, if only a little, right? It's yours and yours only and for no one to be read apart from you. And if the hypothesis is that writing it is going to help you sort your (love-)life out (or at least create a clearer view on it), it is a very good thing to do. But somehow, I wrote my diary with a sort of weird hope that others would read it, and of course would act on it and then, everything was going to be alright....

Childish behaviour, but then, I still was one. Nowadays, I know what I was hoping to achieve wasn't silly, but the way how, I got it all wrong. You write a diary for yourself. And if you are honest and true, you get a pretty good look at yourself. And if parts of that don't make you happy, or pleased, or whatever, you can maybe track back the if's, why's and how's so you learn from your mistakes, miscalculations, misunderstandings...

But you can never expect someone else to be responsible for your downsides, bad habits, weak points or ignorance. Even when you think they caused it, it is still you who is able to stop or change it; and if you can't you'll have to work on your emotional response and act on it, or (depending on the matter) don't act on it.

The last half year or so, I have been more and more convinced that this is the path to follow on your way to happiness. To love and be loved. Maybe it was coincidental that I started to write this blog? Isn't a blog quite often an adult version of a child's diary? Again, this "diary" is written with the hope others read it. But now, I do not have the expectation that someone else will act on it and "clear up the mess I've made". Now, I want to do that myself.

It's just that sometimes I wish I was that child again. And that somebody would have shared this knowledge with me so I would have had a complete different diary. One I would have kept, so I could read it again when I would be older. Then, afterwards I would close it and start a new diary.

The opening words?

Dear Diary, I want to be forever young….

J

Be

The mind can see,
As long as you'll be,
For real with yourself,
And you'll forever be...

How close the meaning of these words above come to me...

This is the real truth, written down in 4 simple lines; yet it may be the hardest lesson of life. If you think about it, it's easy to say you want to be honest and open to yourself but doing it as well... you will have to read between your own lines, dig deep, and be brave enough not to ignore your image of the mirror you're looking at: your soul, your heart. That is the real you.

To hold that image up high, show the world who you really are and with the courage to let see you accept yourself, the consequences and your responsibilities, with all your ups and downs, your positive sights and the negative ones, that will be the most rewarding, beautiful and enriching goal of life.

Then you'll forever be...

J

Life

Out of bed very early this morning, and apart from how I was woken up, it was worth it. A beautiful morning, all you could hear were the birds singing and chatting away, the sun was out and the sky amazing.

And as I stood there outside, still feeling and looking rosy, I once again realised how breathtaking life can be. My body started shaking, not heavily, but enough to feel the warmth of love running through my heart and soul.

Everybody has the right to feel what I felt this morning. Give yourself the chance. A start to achieve it could be by reading this.
If nobody else does, wake yourself up. I can tell you, it is worth it...

J

Take It Easy with Decisions

Relax
There is an answer to the darkest times.
It’s clear we don’t understand but the last thing on my mind
Is to leave you.
I believe that we’re in this together.
Don’t scream – there are so many roads left.

Relax, take it easy
For there is nothing that we can do.

(this week's Sunday Scribblings)

Decisions.... how I hate them. Though I try to make sure that most of the time people think that I am the type that "knows what she wants", "goes for it" and all that stuff, the opposite is quite often more the case.

Well, it's not really that I don't know what I want and/or don't go for whatever "it" is... it's just that my lack of self confidence now and again wins and that's when the doubting hits me. Panic, worries, questions and lots of "what if's" fill my head and if I'm not careful I start playing hide and seek. Unfortunately, I'm very good in hiding....

I started to think what kind of positive twist I could give to this hiding business. I know I should try to fight this seemingly instant reaction (stop hiding, face the music, deal with it!) but that's easier said then done and knowing me, it will sometimes be too much to ask from myself. So why won't I take little steps at the time and have more chance of 'success'? The good thing about hiding is that you can allow yourself to take a look at yourself and the situation you're in, without having this feeling of pressure that you have to handle it right there and then, and oh by the way, don't make any mistakes!!

So I hide, take a step back and....

relax, take it easy.... all is so much different when you give yourself the opportunity to see where you are and what you're in without letting stress overtake the important moments of your life.

Mika has it right with his latest song, don't you think? Hey, I might even start appreciating the fact that I have the chance of making decisions...

J

Roger Hodgson-You Make Me Love You

Sitting there with an extremely big smile on her face, just staring in the distance, not knowing how to describe that feeling in her heart, her head, her whole body actually.... all she knew was that it was there, this truly warm and sensational feeling and that it was growing, slowly but surely, day by day. It nearly frightened her, that process that seemed to be uncontrollable; no way she could stop it. Just as well, she didn't want it to stop anyway...

All these confusions, the wonderful emotions, the fear of lack of control and at the same time this craving for more. She then suddenly realised that it was ok.

It's all right. You make me love you....

J

It's My Life (for the sake of love)

The beginning of love
is to let those we love be perfectly themselves,
and not to twist them to fit our own image.
Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.
.....Thomas Merton


These words, to me, are so true... yet the meaning of them is probably one of the hardest ones in life to practise, to receive, to fulfill. But the first step to feel what is meant here, is to start with yourself. If you want others to let you be who you really are, then you've got to show it them. It takes a lot of practise and asks a lot of you, but you have the right to do it,
it's your life...

J

It's My Life
This ain't a song for the broken-hearted
No silent prayer for the faith-departed
I ain't gonna be just a face in the crowd
You're gonna hear my voice
When I shout it out loud

It's my life
It's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just wanna live while I'm alive
It's my life

This is for the ones who stood their ground
For Tommy and Gina who never backed down
Tomorrow's getting harder make no mistake
Luck ain't even lucky
Got to make your own breaks

It's my life
And it's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just want to live while I'm alive
'Cause it's my life

Better stand tall when they're calling you out
Don't bend, don't break, baby, don't back down

It's my life
And it's now or never
'Cause I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just want to live while I'm alive

It's my life
And it's now or never
'Cause I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just want to live while I'm alive
'Cause it's my life!

Innocence

Outside ideas of right doing and wrong doing there is
a field. I'll meet you there.
~ Rumi

Innocence

is a term that describes the lack of guilt of an individual, with respect to any kind of crime, sin, or wondering.

(Children are usually considered to be innocent and to gradually lose this attribute through maturity by gaining knowledge of the adult world).
source: Wikipedia.

For I never want my loved ones to loose their innocence.

J

No Good

Ever had the feeling that people think you're not up to much? You don't fit their standards? No matter what you do, it is never satisfying or good enough to make them happy, or at least acceptive.

Most of my life I've been juggling with this, trying my hardest to please everyone around me, whether it was in private matters or work related. What an idiot I was... it's an impossible task. But most of all, I had seem to forgotten one person specifically: and that was myself.

Although pleasing yourself can be translated in different ways of behaviour, most of us know, deep down, how important it is and how you can please yourself without ignoring the ones who deserve to be pleased as well. I truly think that you fail miserably to make someone else happy, if you don't take care of yourself. In the end, you end up being depressed and feeling down most of the time. Assuming the ones around you, do like / love /care for you, it seems pretty difficult for me to make someone happy when you are thinking rubbish of yourself.

I am changing recently, even though it's damn hard. One thing is dealing with compliments. Instead of immediately turning them down, I try to believe them and tell myself to be proud. Funnily enough, this time seems to be "perfect" for practising. I don't think I've ever been in a tougher situation like this before, and people are telling me things that I would have considered as complete and utter bullshit before.

Apparently, I look good (well, a lot better compared to what I looked like over the last few years). I know what I want and work hard to be able to reach my goals (to be honest, knowing what I want is still a bit of an unstable fact to me, but the rough lines are there and hopefully I can soon set up the final plan). Time is short this morning, so no more examples but it is just to give an idea.

But one thing's for sure: think good of yourself. Believe in and have trust in yourself. Once you've got that going, you can be good for someone else.

A bit of sarcasme can't do much harm though, that's why I fell for Amy Winehouse's song... Once in a while you'll find yourself in a situation where you think:

-You Know I'm No Good-

J

Next step - good step

O my... today the next step of the big jump - preparation appeared...: I have a (temporary) house!

Pictures above are to give you the idea of what it looks like (the middle two are of the "hofje" where I am: left is the front view of the entrance and right gives you a peek into its garden).

What goes on in my head now, is bloody difficult to explain. In fact, explaining it is that difficult that I won't even bother trying. The mixed feelings are a bit overwhelming. To get my thoughts straight, I need to let it sink in.

But a brain working at high speed sorting out its emotional state, doesn't necessarily mean that it's all depressing; (well, it might be) but to block the most depressing thoughts, why not try to cheer myself up a little bit. With the usual recipe, of course.

Now, this time it's rather different than what you would expect. Yes, it's Michael W. Smith, and yes, he's religious and makes worship-music, but this is just SO uplifting!! Every time I hear it, it makes me feel good. Or at least feel better.
And hey, ~love me good~, that can be applied to anything and anyone, right?

And now you just have to excuse me, I'm going to try to feel good.
J

Opportunity, (short story on how thinking could become acting)

Tired, very tired; not physically though, more tired "upstairs" as she would call it. That's how she felt. Drained. But still, it surprised her how strong and powerful that same tired head motivated her to continue. Aware of the flashes of fear, uncertainty and worries, all trying to get rid of the brave attempts to build up self confidence, she kept on telling herself to focus on this motivating force and not to waste it. For this might be an opportunity that doesn't come around often.

The last few days had been very hard and, she realized again, she still instinctively felt the need to defend and prove herself. Instead of aiming her thoughts to the ones who (she thought) gave her this feeling, she worked on the thoughts themselves, trying to figure out why they were there in the first place. It wasn't an easy thing to do, but this was all part of learning to deal with her own responsibilities.

When you realise that you are responsible for your own life, including the consequences of these responsibilities, you find there are a whole lot more opportunities than you would think of. And if you feel instinctively that they could help you to become what you want to be, should you waste them?

J

Love's Divine

The value of a second chance is worth not be underestimated. Does this nr. 2 even sometimes prove to be better than the first time?
Second chances are much broader as well, as with another attempt they don't necessarily need to be followed by third, fourth and so on. Second covers all, if you like. The third chance is just a second try of the original second one.

While this may sound like a load of mad results from an early morning brain storming session, it actually means that you can decide to think twice. Coming back to 'another way of asking', it may be exactly what it is. When the first time didn't provide you with what you deep down inside asked for, you could rethink your question.

No matter how painful it was before, give yourself a second chance. Or a second-second... For there will be that moment, you get your question right. Seal got it right too; if he can do it, so can you*.
The answer you'll get, may be much more divine then you ever had before.

J

* as long as you don't expect a klone of Heidi Klum or something...

Then the rainstorm came, over me
And I felt my spirit break
I had lost all of my, belief you see
And realized my mistake
But time through a prayer, to me
And all around me became still

I need love, love's divine
Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind
Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name

Through the rainstorm came sanctuary
And I felt my spirit fly
I had found all of my reality
I realize what it takes

'Cause I need love, love's divine
Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind
Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name

Oh I, don't bet (don't bend), don't break (don't break)
Show me how to live and promise me you won't forsake
'Cause love can help me know my name

Well I try to say there's nothing wrong
But inside I felt me lying all along
But the message here was plain to see
Believe me

'Cause I need love, love's divine
Please forgive me now I see that I've been blind
Give me love, love is what I need to help me know my name

Oh I, don't bet (don't bend), don't break (don't break)
Show me how to live and promise me you won't forsake
'Cause love can help me know my name

Love can help me know my name.

Lief (-my love, be with me-)

In terms of 'aesthetic music' again: here's one of my favorites, this time in Dutch (so aesthetic-bit actually only applies to the non-Dutch speaking). But it is a perfect example really, of how beautiful something can be, without even fully understanding it.

As I say "fully", I'll tell you a little bit what it means, as it's, now that I think about it, so applicable to this blog's name. The person who's singing is going to make a major choice in life, not knowing exactly what the result of that will be, how he'll do it, or why. But he knows it is the right thing to do, as his heart and soul tell the same story, asking the same question. And he wants to share his destination with the one he loves ("lief") so he is reaching out and asking to be hold and joined along the way.

It's a question in its most pure, bare form. To be able to ask your love to be with you that way, is a true blessing.

J

Bløf - Omarm

Calling all angels, LOA too?

Keep on asking and it will be given to you; keep on seeking and you will find....

Funnily enough, this phrase is mentioned in the Bible, which, at first, is not such an obvious link with one of Lenny's most beautiful songs, Calling All Angels.

But to me it is. Confusing maybe? Result of over-enthusiastic creative thinking? When thinking with a narrow mind, it probably is. Not to judge the "narrow-minded", as I think that society these days tricks you that it is better to deal with that way. But drop the limits of your thinking-process, and see the beauty of a creative mind.

I was brought up in a religious family. Details are irrelevant here; but as with everything, it had an effect on how I developed in life. To cut a long story short, it left me somewhat disorientated, this combination of fear, hope and failing ability to "believe". The unknown makes it hard to believe, so the easy option seems to seek for prove. But when proven, believing is no use to you anymore.

Along the way, I took from it what I thought was important: the desire to know, to feel, to wish, to love, to be aware, and most of all, to learn that in all these matters there is no such thing as 'failure'. And lately I discovered that you don't need any prove on this, apart from your own.

Life can be so impossible to understand. The more you think about it, the more complicated it becomes. But when you use your creative mind, it all starts making sense. And complicated thoughts, feelings and questions turn into challenges.

Slowly but surely I have experienced the last few months, that there is so much more going on in life, than one would consider. There are so many more possibilities than ever imagined, if only you allow yourself to think without limits. And what would seem as an impossible task, you'll find yourself dealing with it in complete ease. Ease, as there is no failure! 'Impossible' becomes a choice of possibilities in many different ways.

When I mentioned "creative mind", shortly after I found Ernest Shurtleff Holmes's writing on this site, which is extremely interesting. It will take some time to read it all, so can't even say that it represents, or not, my opinions. I need to finish it first. But so far, it has already touched me with many 'signs'. What makes it even more intriguing, is that it was written in 1923!

So here's to creative thinking.

My creative mind has brought me the experience of finding the first missing pieces of this complicated but beautiful puzzle. They fit precisely, they link perfectly. And they inspire me to start searching for the rest.


To love for the sake of being loved
is human,
but to love for the sake of loving
is angelic.
--Alphonse de Lamartine--

J