That I would be good...

Even if I've neglected this blog for so long...

Well, ok, it wasn't much of a choice really. Let's just say that I was unavailable. But honestly, it was never my intention to stay away for more than a year! Shocking how time flies, but forget about the "having fun"-bit. I have discovered that time flies too when the days don't seem to end, with too much crap to fill given the hours.

So what have I done?
I've tried to be good. And it took me a year + to realise that I've tried to be good for anyone and anything else apart from myself. That's no good, is it?

That's called failing. In this case, failing miserably.

Now I know, this sounds quite harsh and ofcourse I know that I have tried very, very hard, so why can't I be a little more loving towards myself? See that 'trying' is at least a lot better than giving up and show the world your middle finger?

'Cause apparently, me trying to be good wasn't spotted (enough) by many people who are part of my life. Yes, they saw me struggling and fighting, but hey, in the end the results were not what they expected so, mission failed. Game over.

Wanna play again?

For years, I kept on going and tried to learn and understand the rules of the game. The do's and don't's of this life, as they come along - like instructions written in the manual of this really complicated hi-tech gadget (made in China, but o so badly translated into English ofcourse). Having said that, consider yourself lucky if you ever did find that bl.... manual; at least you've gót something that provides a bit of information, even if half of it looks more like it's written in some sort of alien language.

But some players of this lifelong contest just don't get it, literally and figuratively. Doesn't mean that they don't want to play, though. Or have the right to get more than one chance to master the necessary skills.

You never know.... they maybe don't play like you, but they might be good!

Sacrifice

I'm carefully peeking my head around the corner....



I'm building up strenght to come back, to wherever I was when I "left" before.

The last months have been hard, sucking up all my energy and left me with no choice than to look after myself. The things that happened along that way had a huge impact. This piece of music tells the story, of how it was, and is, for me.

I'll be back.
J

No retreat

There's a reason why I haven't been writing much lately. At the moment I think it's too complicated to explain it personally, but as usual, I give it a go with music. With a song that sets the right atmosphere. With lyrics that tells you how it feels.


I think I should stop thinking lightly about coincidence, by the way. After reading DW's last post, considering what I am going through, I believe there's a reason, or a meaning, for this.
DW, stand your ground...


J

I just know there's no escape now
once it sets its eyes on you
but i won't run, have to stare it in the eye

Stand my ground, I won't give in
no more denying, I got to face it
won't close my eyes and hide the truth inside
if I don't make it, someone else will stand my ground

Though this might just be the ending
of the life I held so dear
but I won't run, there's no turning back from here


Stand my ground

Strangers

(Writers Island prompt of wk 7)

Every once in a while, someone, or something, you've know for a long, long time, happens to be, say, do, behave, act or react completely different than what you expected. A certain situation which could have been common, turns out feeling strange. And close friends, whom you thought you knew so well, may come across as complete strangers.

Sometimes, for some of us, it happens to be your own person who is surprising you with unpredicted thoughts or emotions. Those moments can be some of the most frightening ones in life. But no matter how much fear they cause, don't try to turn your back on them and try to run or hide. These moments are a sign, even an alarming signal sometimes, that there's something wrong, and you've got to stop, think about and listen to what these strange feelings are trying to say.

Strange emotions may end up feeling familiar when you open yourself and think about it. A stranger may end up being the best friend you've ever had. Or even the most beautiful love of your life....

J

So lets get down to it baby
There ain't no need to lie

Tell me who you think you see
When you look into my eyes

Lets put our two hearts back together
And we'll leave the broken pieces on the floor
Make love with me baby
Till we ain't strangers anymore

Lost

What I can't, is looking at photographs. It hasn't always been like that. But the last few years it started (from getting this vague, melancholic pain flowing into a sharp scratch on an already wounded soul), and it slowly got worse. So these days, I can't even look at a certain photo without having this like automatic need to curl up, shiver, cry, wanting to dissappear, far, far away...

At this moment, I know I am at an alarming state in that matter, 'cause I noticed that the only two photo's in a frame that I've got, I have turned around. So all I see is the back of it. I can see they're still there, but I cannot face them. Literally. I cannot see their faces. The pain is too deep, the guilt is killing me, and I cannot find the right words to tell myself it's going to be alright. Whatever I do, there is no sense, no real sense, to explain why this all happened, how it got this far, and for which benefit it was needed.

So I feel waisted. I feel lost.

Have I waisted most of my years? And have I waisted most of my precious time with them? Have I lost many opportunities in my life? And did I loose some of the most important moments with them? Have I lost the chance of being there for, and with, them?

I usually have no trouble coming up with some sort of solution, clever statement or what have you. Not that I always have the wisdom of putting words into action in matters on my personal, emotional state. But like I said, I can't even find the proper words now, let alone doing something with their meaning.

I feel lost. And fear that I am.

J

Renewal

~ prompt of Writers Island - wk5 ~

Renewal of the soul - 4 by *nusbaum on deviantART

Renewal...
They say your renewal can only take place when you have been very close to death. Like nearly touching this cold, hated but so common "friend of life". So close, it's frightening; only 2 options remain and that is to flight or fight...

Fight...
It's when you fight that you gain the chance of renewal. Renewal of that piece of you, that is so badly damaged, that with all of the little life that's left in there, it screams desperately for help. No one can hear it though, apart from you. For it is you, and only you, who can answer the question, supply the demand, fill in the needs, make the u-turn.

Pain...
The pain may seem unbearable, your soul's severely injured but the hurt, this time, won't be like a companion of the enemy, but your friend. For it is so intense, that it provides you with a source of energy that nothing and nobody else can give you. It is a boost nearly too hot to handle.

Chance...
But it's a chance and you grab it: simply because you already choose to fight and that is exactly the one and only reason why this chance is here, right in front of you and there is no way that you'll let go.

Heal...
Wounds take time to heal. The tissue of your skin is remarkably well capable of creating new cells and forming a new layer of protection of your body. Sometimes the wounds have been so bad that this new layer may not look like what was there before. Scars appear and they can be a horrible reminder of what happened there before. But no matter how ugly, they are there and protect you.

Overcome...
For me, renewal of the soul can take place when not only having been so close to death, but also by to overcome the fear of it. You need fear to fight, but never fear fighting.

Renewal....
Sometimes, life's renewal isn't what you expected it to be. Sometimes the renewal of your soul is showing a complete different side of you, unknown before. But, take a closer look. Feel it, can you feel how thick this new layer of skin, this renewal is? The scars may seem ugly, look so different than what was there before.... yet, it may do one hell of a better job of protecting you.


So drive me out, yeah
Out to that open field
Turn the ignition off
And spin around
Your help is here

J

Live - Overcome
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The Journey

~ prompt of Writers Island - wk4 ~ (my point of view with mask on)

Remember, when you were a kid, in the back seat of the car, going on holiday? The excitement? Although your dad only just drove off, it felt like ages and all you could think of was "are we there yet?!"... Nowadays that scene could be sketched like in Shrek 2, you are Donkey and your parents, very frustrated, played one hell of a good copy of Shrek and Fiona.

I was never very good "with journeys", even though I used to (and still do actually) love taking part of it. But hey, patience... right? For most of the journeys, you need it and that's exactly what I lack of....

So when thinking about a "journey", the silly part of me is totally on Donkey's side...





(my point of view without mask on)

You're getting older
Your journey's been etched
On your skin

"Are we there yet?"
This journey seems to last forever. But maybe that's exactly how it's supposed to be. Some sort of a never ending trip, but with the difference that the destination of it, is to actually learn to 'travel', to make the best out of it, to enjoy the surroundings of the road you follow, and to know where you're heading to.

There's nothing wrong with "looking back", as long as you keep on your track, going forward, open minded, excited and wondering ... am I there yet?

I love traveling my journey, I'm just not very good at it. I've probably just never really grown up.

J (Donkey)

The Key

~ prompt of Writers Island - wk3 ~

Several reasons for why it took me ages before I completed my post for WI prompt this week:

• whilst on my swing of moods, I seem to get stuck every time I passed the "down"-bit. As I am still in the middle of the process of figuring out the do's and don'ts of Me, Myself and I, it wasn't a surprise, but falling can be painful...
• I am trying to be more aware of not only myself, but also people, around me and general. It's a rewarding 'investment', but also a confronting and energy consuming one.
• work, of course.
• and I've got a bit of a flue (which is probably also related to the first reason mentioned)

All in all, thinking about what I wanted to write regarding the words "The Key", set me off and (oh how I "love/hate" my hyper focus now and again...) I found I had far too much to write about.

The key; it links to so many things in life. The key to your heart, your soul, the door, happiness, the truth, and so on. And every single example needs more than a few lines written about it.

I panicked. Missing out on this week's prompt wasn't an option. If I had nothing to tell, if it was a subject which means nothing to me, I would have been OK with skipping. But no, I had so many thoughts and triggers that I couldn't ignore them.

Then, I stumbled upon this amazing project: 6 billion Others

I read, listened and watched all of the whole site. It is one of the best things I have come across on the Internet. Ever. I got enormously impressed by the person who's behind this idea: Yann Arthus-Bertrand.

And, I realised that this is it. This is The Key. In fact, I would call it the Master Key.
For it will open all of our hearts, souls and doors, and happiness and truth will be there for all of us.

Achieving this Utopia seems so unrealistic and ridiculous. The lock that is blocking us all from getting there, seems impossible to open. But at least, someone tries and you've got to admire him for that.

He opened the door to my heart anyway...

J

The Gift

"Love is a gift.
You can't buy it, you can't find it, someone has to give it to you.
Learn to be receptive of that gift.”
(Kurt Langner)

~ prompt of Writers Island - wk2 ~

Yesterday I read a column of a Dutch psychiatrist who, in quite a straight forward way, pointed out that many people (if not most of them) tend to take Love for granted. As a result of that, chances are that one day you'll find yourself in a situation where you have lost that love and you're begging for it to come back. When you look back, you can wonder why you didn't see it before: you were not aware of the importance for being grateful for the love that was given to you.

Without going into detail regarding that article, and even though it was written in a confronting tone, he had a point there. We should be more grateful for what is given to us, even when it is there every day again. Actually, I would say, because it is there every day again....

When I saw this week's prompt of Writers Island, my mind went straight back to that column and somehow, I immediately linked it to James Morrisons latest song, "Undiscovered".

Be grateful for the greatest gift of all: Love. And if you feel you haven't received it yet, take a look around. It's not lost, just undiscovered....

I'm not running, I'm not hiding
But if you dig a little deeper, you will find me

I'm not lost, not lost, undiscovered
And when we're alone we are all the same as each other

J

Tired of being sorry

For a thousand reasons that I know
To share forever the unrest
With all the demons I possess
Beneath the silver moon

Maybe you were right
But baby I was lonely
I don't want to fight
I'm tired of being sorry

Forgive me my mistakes, for I sometimes don't realise what I am doing wrong...

Forgive me for being unreliable, for I sometimes can't even rely on myself...

Forgive me for the smile on my face, for it is sometimes just the mask I wear...

Forgive me for being complicated, for I have trouble myself to gain peace of mind...

My "demons"... They're not an excuse. They're not a scapegoat. I wish I could say I have an explanation for my behaviour. But to be able to explain, don't I need to have 'full understanding of the subject'?

And what if I haven't got that yet?

Forgive me all, for asking so much patience...

(Who would have thought that he could hit me with this song (and lyrics) right on the spot?)


J

Writing

(Sunday Scribblings)

Sometimes, when I speak, people don't seem to understand what I say.
Sometimes, when I look, they don't see what I observe.
Sometimes, when I think, people have no clue what's on my mind.
And sometimes, when I cry, they don't know what it's all about....

What can one do to be heard? To be seen, to be understood? To be comforted?

I cannot expect people to know me. For it is difficult enough to know 'me' myself.

But sometimes, it makes you feel so alone. All by myself....

and that's the reason I write.
Because then, I can speak, look, think and cry as if I am not alone out there...

J

Trouble

O no, I see,
A spider web is tangled up with me,
And I lost my head,
The thought of all the stupid things I'd said.

O no, what's this?
A spider web, and I'm caught in the middle,
So I turn to run,
The thought of all the stupid things I've done,

And I never meant to cause you trouble,
I never meant to do you wrong,
And I, well if I ever caused you trouble,
And oh no, I never meant to do you harm.

O no, I see,
A spider web and it's me in the middle,
So I twist and turn,
Here am I in my little bubble,

Singing out loud, I never meant to cause you trouble,
And, I never meant to do you wrong,
And I, well if I ever caused you trouble,
Oh, no I never meant to do you harm.

They spun a web for me,
They spun a web for me,
They spun a web for me.

J

Dear Diary, I want to be Forever Young

(Sunday Scribblings)

When I was young, I kept a diary. I think I was roughly at the age of 14, 15 when I started writing in it. I remember very well what my first diary looked like: a little but thick book, of which the outside was covered with Chinese silk, mainly red with a green and black pattern. Unlike most diaries, it had no lock. And that's what, in the end, caused its death.

I used to poor out my heart in that way. Being a teenager, and a girl (which makes a difference generally, as girls at that age can be quite over the top with their emotions), I thought writing about my life would help, expecting a huge change soon to come. Why was that? And what was I expecting to change?

Looking back, I so much more understand why I kept the diary, why I mainly wrote about boys, boys & boys and how disappointed I quite often was. At first it may sound silly. A diary is supposed to be secret, if only a little, right? It's yours and yours only and for no one to be read apart from you. And if the hypothesis is that writing it is going to help you sort your (love-)life out (or at least create a clearer view on it), it is a very good thing to do. But somehow, I wrote my diary with a sort of weird hope that others would read it, and of course would act on it and then, everything was going to be alright....

Childish behaviour, but then, I still was one. Nowadays, I know what I was hoping to achieve wasn't silly, but the way how, I got it all wrong. You write a diary for yourself. And if you are honest and true, you get a pretty good look at yourself. And if parts of that don't make you happy, or pleased, or whatever, you can maybe track back the if's, why's and how's so you learn from your mistakes, miscalculations, misunderstandings...

But you can never expect someone else to be responsible for your downsides, bad habits, weak points or ignorance. Even when you think they caused it, it is still you who is able to stop or change it; and if you can't you'll have to work on your emotional response and act on it, or (depending on the matter) don't act on it.

The last half year or so, I have been more and more convinced that this is the path to follow on your way to happiness. To love and be loved. Maybe it was coincidental that I started to write this blog? Isn't a blog quite often an adult version of a child's diary? Again, this "diary" is written with the hope others read it. But now, I do not have the expectation that someone else will act on it and "clear up the mess I've made". Now, I want to do that myself.

It's just that sometimes I wish I was that child again. And that somebody would have shared this knowledge with me so I would have had a complete different diary. One I would have kept, so I could read it again when I would be older. Then, afterwards I would close it and start a new diary.

The opening words?

Dear Diary, I want to be forever young….

J

Be

The mind can see,
As long as you'll be,
For real with yourself,
And you'll forever be...

How close the meaning of these words above come to me...

This is the real truth, written down in 4 simple lines; yet it may be the hardest lesson of life. If you think about it, it's easy to say you want to be honest and open to yourself but doing it as well... you will have to read between your own lines, dig deep, and be brave enough not to ignore your image of the mirror you're looking at: your soul, your heart. That is the real you.

To hold that image up high, show the world who you really are and with the courage to let see you accept yourself, the consequences and your responsibilities, with all your ups and downs, your positive sights and the negative ones, that will be the most rewarding, beautiful and enriching goal of life.

Then you'll forever be...

J

And I called your name...

Wish I had the guts to tell you all about the specific reason for this post's choice of music...

Will try to with the next post... for now, I just want to hear this song again, and leave you guessing.... :)

J

Weapon Of Choice

"I think no matter what I did -- if I was a cook, if I was a writer, if I built houses -- I would try to make it unique somehow. Give it a stamp." -- Christopher Walken

How I just love the video of Fatboy Slim's Weapon of Choice in which Christopher Walken is performing as only he can do it. He's one of my favorite actors, quite often known for roles of "baddies", 'cause he can give you this excellent nasty look and give you the shivers when he speaks slowly about horrid stuff. But he can do more than that, and this video is a good example. He can dance too. Apparently he did some serious dancing before he got famous as an actor. Well, you can tell when you see him moving around.

- - - - - - -

Today I became angry. Without going into details, I don't feel good about it. Even though I think I had the right to disagree with the person in question, I feel that I lost control and that's exactly what I didn't want to do. It wasn't that I was screaming and shouting or anything, I just got a bit negatively excited and was somewhat sharp with my vocabulary. My words were my weapon. My weapon in a situation that I fear is becoming a war.

I made the wrong choice. I used my "weapon" the wrong way. I should have done what I intended to do (and have been doing successfully a number of times before): to use only kind words. To remain calm, to be able to "read between the lines".... people who are aggressive, even if only with the things they say, may be driven by hurt, pain. They may not notice it themselves, the effect of what they're saying. They may see no other way to behave as they do.

Next time, I'll try again. I won't give up. And one day, I know, I can do it.

J

Life

Out of bed very early this morning, and apart from how I was woken up, it was worth it. A beautiful morning, all you could hear were the birds singing and chatting away, the sun was out and the sky amazing.

And as I stood there outside, still feeling and looking rosy, I once again realised how breathtaking life can be. My body started shaking, not heavily, but enough to feel the warmth of love running through my heart and soul.

Everybody has the right to feel what I felt this morning. Give yourself the chance. A start to achieve it could be by reading this.
If nobody else does, wake yourself up. I can tell you, it is worth it...

J

Take It Easy with Decisions

Relax
There is an answer to the darkest times.
It’s clear we don’t understand but the last thing on my mind
Is to leave you.
I believe that we’re in this together.
Don’t scream – there are so many roads left.

Relax, take it easy
For there is nothing that we can do.

(this week's Sunday Scribblings)

Decisions.... how I hate them. Though I try to make sure that most of the time people think that I am the type that "knows what she wants", "goes for it" and all that stuff, the opposite is quite often more the case.

Well, it's not really that I don't know what I want and/or don't go for whatever "it" is... it's just that my lack of self confidence now and again wins and that's when the doubting hits me. Panic, worries, questions and lots of "what if's" fill my head and if I'm not careful I start playing hide and seek. Unfortunately, I'm very good in hiding....

I started to think what kind of positive twist I could give to this hiding business. I know I should try to fight this seemingly instant reaction (stop hiding, face the music, deal with it!) but that's easier said then done and knowing me, it will sometimes be too much to ask from myself. So why won't I take little steps at the time and have more chance of 'success'? The good thing about hiding is that you can allow yourself to take a look at yourself and the situation you're in, without having this feeling of pressure that you have to handle it right there and then, and oh by the way, don't make any mistakes!!

So I hide, take a step back and....

relax, take it easy.... all is so much different when you give yourself the opportunity to see where you are and what you're in without letting stress overtake the important moments of your life.

Mika has it right with his latest song, don't you think? Hey, I might even start appreciating the fact that I have the chance of making decisions...

J

Roger Hodgson-You Make Me Love You

Sitting there with an extremely big smile on her face, just staring in the distance, not knowing how to describe that feeling in her heart, her head, her whole body actually.... all she knew was that it was there, this truly warm and sensational feeling and that it was growing, slowly but surely, day by day. It nearly frightened her, that process that seemed to be uncontrollable; no way she could stop it. Just as well, she didn't want it to stop anyway...

All these confusions, the wonderful emotions, the fear of lack of control and at the same time this craving for more. She then suddenly realised that it was ok.

It's all right. You make me love you....

J

Wicked Game

(Sunday scribblings)

What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way


Wicked.... one of these words of which the meaning can be different, depending on moods, situations, feelings. It can be positive or negative. Good or bad. Weird or normal. Strange or familiar.

If in your life, there's a connection between Wicked and Love, you've got to remember Chris Isaak's expression of games (wicked) people can play....

J