That I would be good...

Even if I've neglected this blog for so long...

Well, ok, it wasn't much of a choice really. Let's just say that I was unavailable. But honestly, it was never my intention to stay away for more than a year! Shocking how time flies, but forget about the "having fun"-bit. I have discovered that time flies too when the days don't seem to end, with too much crap to fill given the hours.

So what have I done?
I've tried to be good. And it took me a year + to realise that I've tried to be good for anyone and anything else apart from myself. That's no good, is it?

That's called failing. In this case, failing miserably.

Now I know, this sounds quite harsh and ofcourse I know that I have tried very, very hard, so why can't I be a little more loving towards myself? See that 'trying' is at least a lot better than giving up and show the world your middle finger?

'Cause apparently, me trying to be good wasn't spotted (enough) by many people who are part of my life. Yes, they saw me struggling and fighting, but hey, in the end the results were not what they expected so, mission failed. Game over.

Wanna play again?

For years, I kept on going and tried to learn and understand the rules of the game. The do's and don't's of this life, as they come along - like instructions written in the manual of this really complicated hi-tech gadget (made in China, but o so badly translated into English ofcourse). Having said that, consider yourself lucky if you ever did find that bl.... manual; at least you've gót something that provides a bit of information, even if half of it looks more like it's written in some sort of alien language.

But some players of this lifelong contest just don't get it, literally and figuratively. Doesn't mean that they don't want to play, though. Or have the right to get more than one chance to master the necessary skills.

You never know.... they maybe don't play like you, but they might be good!

Sacrifice

I'm carefully peeking my head around the corner....



I'm building up strenght to come back, to wherever I was when I "left" before.

The last months have been hard, sucking up all my energy and left me with no choice than to look after myself. The things that happened along that way had a huge impact. This piece of music tells the story, of how it was, and is, for me.

I'll be back.
J

Strangers

(Writers Island prompt of wk 7)

Every once in a while, someone, or something, you've know for a long, long time, happens to be, say, do, behave, act or react completely different than what you expected. A certain situation which could have been common, turns out feeling strange. And close friends, whom you thought you knew so well, may come across as complete strangers.

Sometimes, for some of us, it happens to be your own person who is surprising you with unpredicted thoughts or emotions. Those moments can be some of the most frightening ones in life. But no matter how much fear they cause, don't try to turn your back on them and try to run or hide. These moments are a sign, even an alarming signal sometimes, that there's something wrong, and you've got to stop, think about and listen to what these strange feelings are trying to say.

Strange emotions may end up feeling familiar when you open yourself and think about it. A stranger may end up being the best friend you've ever had. Or even the most beautiful love of your life....

J

So lets get down to it baby
There ain't no need to lie

Tell me who you think you see
When you look into my eyes

Lets put our two hearts back together
And we'll leave the broken pieces on the floor
Make love with me baby
Till we ain't strangers anymore

Lost

What I can't, is looking at photographs. It hasn't always been like that. But the last few years it started (from getting this vague, melancholic pain flowing into a sharp scratch on an already wounded soul), and it slowly got worse. So these days, I can't even look at a certain photo without having this like automatic need to curl up, shiver, cry, wanting to dissappear, far, far away...

At this moment, I know I am at an alarming state in that matter, 'cause I noticed that the only two photo's in a frame that I've got, I have turned around. So all I see is the back of it. I can see they're still there, but I cannot face them. Literally. I cannot see their faces. The pain is too deep, the guilt is killing me, and I cannot find the right words to tell myself it's going to be alright. Whatever I do, there is no sense, no real sense, to explain why this all happened, how it got this far, and for which benefit it was needed.

So I feel waisted. I feel lost.

Have I waisted most of my years? And have I waisted most of my precious time with them? Have I lost many opportunities in my life? And did I loose some of the most important moments with them? Have I lost the chance of being there for, and with, them?

I usually have no trouble coming up with some sort of solution, clever statement or what have you. Not that I always have the wisdom of putting words into action in matters on my personal, emotional state. But like I said, I can't even find the proper words now, let alone doing something with their meaning.

I feel lost. And fear that I am.

J

The Key

~ prompt of Writers Island - wk3 ~

Several reasons for why it took me ages before I completed my post for WI prompt this week:

• whilst on my swing of moods, I seem to get stuck every time I passed the "down"-bit. As I am still in the middle of the process of figuring out the do's and don'ts of Me, Myself and I, it wasn't a surprise, but falling can be painful...
• I am trying to be more aware of not only myself, but also people, around me and general. It's a rewarding 'investment', but also a confronting and energy consuming one.
• work, of course.
• and I've got a bit of a flue (which is probably also related to the first reason mentioned)

All in all, thinking about what I wanted to write regarding the words "The Key", set me off and (oh how I "love/hate" my hyper focus now and again...) I found I had far too much to write about.

The key; it links to so many things in life. The key to your heart, your soul, the door, happiness, the truth, and so on. And every single example needs more than a few lines written about it.

I panicked. Missing out on this week's prompt wasn't an option. If I had nothing to tell, if it was a subject which means nothing to me, I would have been OK with skipping. But no, I had so many thoughts and triggers that I couldn't ignore them.

Then, I stumbled upon this amazing project: 6 billion Others

I read, listened and watched all of the whole site. It is one of the best things I have come across on the Internet. Ever. I got enormously impressed by the person who's behind this idea: Yann Arthus-Bertrand.

And, I realised that this is it. This is The Key. In fact, I would call it the Master Key.
For it will open all of our hearts, souls and doors, and happiness and truth will be there for all of us.

Achieving this Utopia seems so unrealistic and ridiculous. The lock that is blocking us all from getting there, seems impossible to open. But at least, someone tries and you've got to admire him for that.

He opened the door to my heart anyway...

J

The Gift

"Love is a gift.
You can't buy it, you can't find it, someone has to give it to you.
Learn to be receptive of that gift.”
(Kurt Langner)

~ prompt of Writers Island - wk2 ~

Yesterday I read a column of a Dutch psychiatrist who, in quite a straight forward way, pointed out that many people (if not most of them) tend to take Love for granted. As a result of that, chances are that one day you'll find yourself in a situation where you have lost that love and you're begging for it to come back. When you look back, you can wonder why you didn't see it before: you were not aware of the importance for being grateful for the love that was given to you.

Without going into detail regarding that article, and even though it was written in a confronting tone, he had a point there. We should be more grateful for what is given to us, even when it is there every day again. Actually, I would say, because it is there every day again....

When I saw this week's prompt of Writers Island, my mind went straight back to that column and somehow, I immediately linked it to James Morrisons latest song, "Undiscovered".

Be grateful for the greatest gift of all: Love. And if you feel you haven't received it yet, take a look around. It's not lost, just undiscovered....

I'm not running, I'm not hiding
But if you dig a little deeper, you will find me

I'm not lost, not lost, undiscovered
And when we're alone we are all the same as each other

J

Dear Diary, I want to be Forever Young

(Sunday Scribblings)

When I was young, I kept a diary. I think I was roughly at the age of 14, 15 when I started writing in it. I remember very well what my first diary looked like: a little but thick book, of which the outside was covered with Chinese silk, mainly red with a green and black pattern. Unlike most diaries, it had no lock. And that's what, in the end, caused its death.

I used to poor out my heart in that way. Being a teenager, and a girl (which makes a difference generally, as girls at that age can be quite over the top with their emotions), I thought writing about my life would help, expecting a huge change soon to come. Why was that? And what was I expecting to change?

Looking back, I so much more understand why I kept the diary, why I mainly wrote about boys, boys & boys and how disappointed I quite often was. At first it may sound silly. A diary is supposed to be secret, if only a little, right? It's yours and yours only and for no one to be read apart from you. And if the hypothesis is that writing it is going to help you sort your (love-)life out (or at least create a clearer view on it), it is a very good thing to do. But somehow, I wrote my diary with a sort of weird hope that others would read it, and of course would act on it and then, everything was going to be alright....

Childish behaviour, but then, I still was one. Nowadays, I know what I was hoping to achieve wasn't silly, but the way how, I got it all wrong. You write a diary for yourself. And if you are honest and true, you get a pretty good look at yourself. And if parts of that don't make you happy, or pleased, or whatever, you can maybe track back the if's, why's and how's so you learn from your mistakes, miscalculations, misunderstandings...

But you can never expect someone else to be responsible for your downsides, bad habits, weak points or ignorance. Even when you think they caused it, it is still you who is able to stop or change it; and if you can't you'll have to work on your emotional response and act on it, or (depending on the matter) don't act on it.

The last half year or so, I have been more and more convinced that this is the path to follow on your way to happiness. To love and be loved. Maybe it was coincidental that I started to write this blog? Isn't a blog quite often an adult version of a child's diary? Again, this "diary" is written with the hope others read it. But now, I do not have the expectation that someone else will act on it and "clear up the mess I've made". Now, I want to do that myself.

It's just that sometimes I wish I was that child again. And that somebody would have shared this knowledge with me so I would have had a complete different diary. One I would have kept, so I could read it again when I would be older. Then, afterwards I would close it and start a new diary.

The opening words?

Dear Diary, I want to be forever young….

J

Be

The mind can see,
As long as you'll be,
For real with yourself,
And you'll forever be...

How close the meaning of these words above come to me...

This is the real truth, written down in 4 simple lines; yet it may be the hardest lesson of life. If you think about it, it's easy to say you want to be honest and open to yourself but doing it as well... you will have to read between your own lines, dig deep, and be brave enough not to ignore your image of the mirror you're looking at: your soul, your heart. That is the real you.

To hold that image up high, show the world who you really are and with the courage to let see you accept yourself, the consequences and your responsibilities, with all your ups and downs, your positive sights and the negative ones, that will be the most rewarding, beautiful and enriching goal of life.

Then you'll forever be...

J

Goosebumps

(Sunday Scribbling)
Does my skin respond in a exaggerated way sometimes? Although I mostly don't mind, I think it does. It depends, of course, on several matters. But the main trigger is who's touching it...

After that it will be the atmosphere around "us". Preferably not too much light, nearly dark if possible but a slight glisting of a few candles would be nice. Temperature not too high, if it's a little cold it's ok, my body will adjust easily anyway.

And then there's the finishing touch... background music. Loud enough to cover all the unneccassary sounds, apart from "our" whispers that is. It will surround "us" like it was specially made for the moment.

These experiences are treasures in my heart. I cherish them. Play that specific song for me and I'll close my eyes and voila, it is there again. You, me, the moment. And I am suddenly aware that raised skin is all over my body, making me shiver.


That to me, my friend, is the perfect explanation in the case of "me with goose bumps"...

(Hey, do you remember, one of the first times?)

J

Roger Hodgson-You Make Me Love You

Sitting there with an extremely big smile on her face, just staring in the distance, not knowing how to describe that feeling in her heart, her head, her whole body actually.... all she knew was that it was there, this truly warm and sensational feeling and that it was growing, slowly but surely, day by day. It nearly frightened her, that process that seemed to be uncontrollable; no way she could stop it. Just as well, she didn't want it to stop anyway...

All these confusions, the wonderful emotions, the fear of lack of control and at the same time this craving for more. She then suddenly realised that it was ok.

It's all right. You make me love you....

J

Gregorian shivers

Covers of existing songs can be awful, an humiliation for the one who wrote and/or sung it before... but some of them are sometimes even better, or just a good try, or make the song a complete different version of the original.

This last option goes for "My Immortal" - Gregorian style. It's one of my favorite songs anyway, and this gives it a very unusual twist... love it!

J

Wicked Game

(Sunday scribblings)

What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way


Wicked.... one of these words of which the meaning can be different, depending on moods, situations, feelings. It can be positive or negative. Good or bad. Weird or normal. Strange or familiar.

If in your life, there's a connection between Wicked and Love, you've got to remember Chris Isaak's expression of games (wicked) people can play....

J

Wonderful

And you want to travel with her
And you want to travel blind
And you know that you can trust her
For she's touched your perfect body with her mind.

I can't think of another voice that has the same special, touching sound as the one of Leonard Cohen. It's quite unique. I like nearly all his music, but some songs are just so warming, comforting... like "Suzanne".

I just love it....

J

Antonio

Did I ever mention one of my favorite actors, Antonio Banderas? Once I think, but here I go again.

It's actually not just because of his acting, or looks, his eyes, the way he talks (even when you can't see the real Antonio but only to hear his voice when he's, for example, playing the role of a cat, is great). It's the combination of those factors with his singing ability. Why is it, that we don't hear more about that?

As the Phantom he was amazing, so was his part in Evita! It is one of my most beloved movies; not just because of his appearance in there. Madonna did well playing Eva Péron, the whole set up is beautiful, the story dramatic, and from a historical point of view a very interesting part of the 20th century.

Hard to choose which song to post here, the whole movie is full of great music, but I give it a shot with High Flying Adored.

J

It's My Life (for the sake of love)

The beginning of love
is to let those we love be perfectly themselves,
and not to twist them to fit our own image.
Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.
.....Thomas Merton


These words, to me, are so true... yet the meaning of them is probably one of the hardest ones in life to practise, to receive, to fulfill. But the first step to feel what is meant here, is to start with yourself. If you want others to let you be who you really are, then you've got to show it them. It takes a lot of practise and asks a lot of you, but you have the right to do it,
it's your life...

J

It's My Life
This ain't a song for the broken-hearted
No silent prayer for the faith-departed
I ain't gonna be just a face in the crowd
You're gonna hear my voice
When I shout it out loud

It's my life
It's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just wanna live while I'm alive
It's my life

This is for the ones who stood their ground
For Tommy and Gina who never backed down
Tomorrow's getting harder make no mistake
Luck ain't even lucky
Got to make your own breaks

It's my life
And it's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just want to live while I'm alive
'Cause it's my life

Better stand tall when they're calling you out
Don't bend, don't break, baby, don't back down

It's my life
And it's now or never
'Cause I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just want to live while I'm alive

It's my life
And it's now or never
'Cause I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just want to live while I'm alive
'Cause it's my life!

4 in the morning

Some songs, even when heared for the first time, give you this really special feeling. They have a big 'wow'-factor. Gwen's latest is one of these.

I think I said it before but gosh, isn't she amazing. This song is maybe not what you expect from her, but like all of the other ones she does, it sticks in your head and won't leave!

Well, at least you now know what to do when you're alone at 4 in the morning...
J

Cúchulainn

I've never been to Ireland, but hopefully, one day I will. I love the UK and its variety of country side, and I think Scotland is one of the most beautiful places I've ever been. But for some reason I feel it's incomplete, I just have to try to visit Ireland sometime.

When I was a kid, I had horse riding lessons. I remember I was just so excited about it. We use to live right next to a park, which was great fun anyway, and I walked my dog in that park every evening. But in the middle of the area there was a horse riding club & stable, and I can imagine myself again when, in the summer, the lessons took place outside and I could watch it from the side.



Remember those childish feelings of jealousy? I just stared at the girls who were lucky enough to have parents with lots of money (in a kid's eyes anyway) who could pay for their daughters wish to ride horses.

I don't remember exactly the ins and outs, but my parents did not have the money to provide me with these lessons. But they did have friends, a couple of 2 gay men (which was, for those days, quite amazing when you would have known my parents, who were very religious and there was no such thing as "gay" allowed usually). Again, I don't know exactly why, but I was offered the opportunity to have horse riding lessons, and they would pay for it. I vaguely remember that I had to achieve something before I earned it, but anyway, I seem to have managed because I had quite a lot of lessons. And it felt like a dream come true.

That's when I first got the wish to go and see Ireland. I remember when, after the lessons, I went to the canteen to go and get a drink. And while I was waiting for my turn at the bar, I used to look at the magazines that were there. Inside was lots of advertisement for horse riding holidays, and mainly in Ireland. Breathtaking photographs of people on horses, making their way through the hills, heading towards the sea shore, where they wouldn't even have to urge the animals to a higher speed, as the horses already smelt the salty water and started to gallop to feel the waves.

Of course my daydreaming was smashed to pieces every time I drifted off and spoke out my wishes. My parents didn't have the money for stuff like that, and my two "gay uncles" were nice but not able to provide cash for luxury holidays for kids. And when I was old enough to earn cash myself, it just never happened. But the dream remains.

Years ago, when in the UK at my former parents-in-law, I sat behind the TV and watched a video G put on. It was a recording of Riverdance, the Irish performance that was originally composed for the Eurovision Song Contest (I think), but was such a success that it was made into a full show which went to theatres worldwide. It was amazing.

At some point there was this bloke, Davy Spillane, who sat down on a chair on stage, on his own, and started to play the Uilleann pipes. I was absolutely gobsmacked. And I knew instantly that this piece of music was going to be played at my funeral. (So when I'm dead and you visit my last farewell party, you'll hear it, and if not, nobody bothered to read my will, nor took notice of this post).
But as said before, this dream is still here, so before I pop off, I really would like to go there and ride a horse through the shorelines of the Irish beaches.

Until then, I don't mind combining one thing with the other, and use my originally funeral music for some daydreaming instead. See if you like it....

(and for those who are interested: Cúchulainn is a good example of one of the greatest Irish folk legends around).

J

Innocence

Outside ideas of right doing and wrong doing there is
a field. I'll meet you there.
~ Rumi

Innocence

is a term that describes the lack of guilt of an individual, with respect to any kind of crime, sin, or wondering.

(Children are usually considered to be innocent and to gradually lose this attribute through maturity by gaining knowledge of the adult world).
source: Wikipedia.

For I never want my loved ones to loose their innocence.

J

Connie

I always have loved to watch those 'talent-shows', Idols, The X-factor etc. While I hate the whole overexcited scene's around it, the build up along the way towards the finals is great. First of all, you're being served with great comedy watching the first few rounds, as you get to see the most embarrassing, hilarious and dread full performances of people who actually think they're the next Kelly Clarkson or suggest they could fill in for Robbie in Take That. Yes I know, it's a sad way of taking the micky out of star-wannabees. But sometimes you've gotta do what you've gotta do.

After that, the tears of laughter are replaced by a simmering excitement, as the ones who make it through the next rounds, are slowly winning your heart (or not) because they actually can sing (or not) or at least prove that there's something special hiding in there. All they need is a bit of Simon Cowell and off they go...

The last episodes are quite often no good for social life, as you constantly argue with family and/or friends about who should win this competition, and why, and why not?!??! When the show is over, you have to get yourself out of the habit to plan your whole week around the TV times-schedule, telling you exactly when you will be available for your kids, partner and so on, but mainly very clearly when not.

In that way, it's a good thing that I don't watch TV anymore. Frightening sometimes when you realise what kind of effect it can have on human behaviour and socializing habits. And as I sometimes still regret that I can't follow up all these fun things on telly, I rest in the assurance that when worse comes to worst, there's YouTube.
That's how I found Connie.

It's not only the sweet little face of this girl which attracted me to watch the video. It was a combination of that and the likely hood of another great comment of Simon, plus the title of the song which was "Somewhere over the rainbow". All together something I couldn't resist and I pressed Play. The next few minutes I was staring at the screen, probably with my mouth open and completely taken by the amazing sound of that little girl.

I realize it all depends on one's mood, the way one can think about Simon Cowell or little people who perform like miniature Eva Cassidy's whilst they should actually still play with their favorite dolls. But I find it hard to believe that there is someone who cannot be touched by watching this little treasure who's been found somewhere, over the rainbow...

J

Everything

I have to say that when I heard this one at first, what I thought of it would be kinda rude to post. It sort of automatically headed towards the category "elevator - music", which, if really unlucky, will end up in my vomit - section. But something happened to stop that process and what that "something" is, I have no idea, but it did a u-turn and sprinted into the direction of my favorites.

Michael Bublé. Every time I hear this song of him, I'll find myself singing along and only find out about the ridiculous loud volume when it stops. So if this is for others still "elevator - music", I will quite happily spend a few hours a day in high buildings.

It's got everything I sometimes need to cheer me up.
J