I'm carefully peeking my head around the corner....
I'm building up strenght to come back, to wherever I was when I "left" before.
The last months have been hard, sucking up all my energy and left me with no choice than to look after myself. The things that happened along that way had a huge impact. This piece of music tells the story, of how it was, and is, for me.
I'll be back.
J
There's a reason why I haven't been writing much lately. At the moment I think it's too complicated to explain it personally, but as usual, I give it a go with music. With a song that sets the right atmosphere. With lyrics that tells you how it feels.
I think I should stop thinking lightly about coincidence, by the way. After reading DW's last post, considering what I am going through, I believe there's a reason, or a meaning, for this.
DW, stand your ground...
J
I just know there's no escape now
once it sets its eyes on you
but i won't run, have to stare it in the eye
Stand my ground, I won't give in
no more denying, I got to face it
won't close my eyes and hide the truth inside
if I don't make it, someone else will stand my ground
Though this might just be the ending
of the life I held so dear
but I won't run, there's no turning back from here
Stand my ground
What I can't, is looking at photographs. It hasn't always been like that. But the last few years it started (from getting this vague, melancholic pain flowing into a sharp scratch on an already wounded soul), and it slowly got worse. So these days, I can't even look at a certain photo without having this like automatic need to curl up, shiver, cry, wanting to dissappear, far, far away...
At this moment, I know I am at an alarming state in that matter, 'cause I noticed that the only two photo's in a frame that I've got, I have turned around. So all I see is the back of it. I can see they're still there, but I cannot face them. Literally. I cannot see their faces. The pain is too deep, the guilt is killing me, and I cannot find the right words to tell myself it's going to be alright. Whatever I do, there is no sense, no real sense, to explain why this all happened, how it got this far, and for which benefit it was needed.
So I feel waisted. I feel lost.
Have I waisted most of my years? And have I waisted most of my precious time with them? Have I lost many opportunities in my life? And did I loose some of the most important moments with them? Have I lost the chance of being there for, and with, them?
I usually have no trouble coming up with some sort of solution, clever statement or what have you. Not that I always have the wisdom of putting words into action in matters on my personal, emotional state. But like I said, I can't even find the proper words now, let alone doing something with their meaning.
I feel lost. And fear that I am.
J
The mind can see,
As long as you'll be,
For real with yourself,
And you'll forever be...
How close the meaning of these words above come to me...
This is the real truth, written down in 4 simple lines; yet it may be the hardest lesson of life. If you think about it, it's easy to say you want to be honest and open to yourself but doing it as well... you will have to read between your own lines, dig deep, and be brave enough not to ignore your image of the mirror you're looking at: your soul, your heart. That is the real you.
To hold that image up high, show the world who you really are and with the courage to let see you accept yourself, the consequences and your responsibilities, with all your ups and downs, your positive sights and the negative ones, that will be the most rewarding, beautiful and enriching goal of life.
Then you'll forever be...
J
Out of bed very early this morning, and apart from how I was woken up, it was worth it. A beautiful morning, all you could hear were the birds singing and chatting away, the sun was out and the sky amazing.
And as I stood there outside, still feeling and looking rosy, I once again realised how breathtaking life can be. My body started shaking, not heavily, but enough to feel the warmth of love running through my heart and soul.
Everybody has the right to feel what I felt this morning. Give yourself the chance. A start to achieve it could be by reading this.
If nobody else does, wake yourself up. I can tell you, it is worth it...
J
Relax
There is an answer to the darkest times.
It’s clear we don’t understand but the last thing on my mind
Is to leave you.
I believe that we’re in this together.
Don’t scream – there are so many roads left.
Relax, take it easy
For there is nothing that we can do.
(this week's Sunday Scribblings)
Decisions.... how I hate them. Though I try to make sure that most of the time people think that I am the type that "knows what she wants", "goes for it" and all that stuff, the opposite is quite often more the case.
Well, it's not really that I don't know what I want and/or don't go for whatever "it" is... it's just that my lack of self confidence now and again wins and that's when the doubting hits me. Panic, worries, questions and lots of "what if's" fill my head and if I'm not careful I start playing hide and seek. Unfortunately, I'm very good in hiding....
I started to think what kind of positive twist I could give to this hiding business. I know I should try to fight this seemingly instant reaction (stop hiding, face the music, deal with it!) but that's easier said then done and knowing me, it will sometimes be too much to ask from myself. So why won't I take little steps at the time and have more chance of 'success'? The good thing about hiding is that you can allow yourself to take a look at yourself and the situation you're in, without having this feeling of pressure that you have to handle it right there and then, and oh by the way, don't make any mistakes!!
So I hide, take a step back and....
relax, take it easy.... all is so much different when you give yourself the opportunity to see where you are and what you're in without letting stress overtake the important moments of your life.
Mika has it right with his latest song, don't you think? Hey, I might even start appreciating the fact that I have the chance of making decisions...
J
Sitting there with an extremely big smile on her face, just staring in the distance, not knowing how to describe that feeling in her heart, her head, her whole body actually.... all she knew was that it was there, this truly warm and sensational feeling and that it was growing, slowly but surely, day by day. It nearly frightened her, that process that seemed to be uncontrollable; no way she could stop it. Just as well, she didn't want it to stop anyway...
All these confusions, the wonderful emotions, the fear of lack of control and at the same time this craving for more. She then suddenly realised that it was ok.
It's all right. You make me love you....
JThe beginning of love
is to let those we love be perfectly themselves,
and not to twist them to fit our own image.
Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.
.....Thomas Merton
These words, to me, are so true... yet the meaning of them is probably one of the hardest ones in life to practise, to receive, to fulfill. But the first step to feel what is meant here, is to start with yourself. If you want others to let you be who you really are, then you've got to show it them. It takes a lot of practise and asks a lot of you, but you have the right to do it,
it's your life...
J
It's My Life
This ain't a song for the broken-hearted
No silent prayer for the faith-departed
I ain't gonna be just a face in the crowd
You're gonna hear my voice
When I shout it out loud
It's my life
It's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just wanna live while I'm alive
It's my life
This is for the ones who stood their ground
For Tommy and Gina who never backed down
Tomorrow's getting harder make no mistake
Luck ain't even lucky
Got to make your own breaks
It's my life
And it's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just want to live while I'm alive
'Cause it's my life
Better stand tall when they're calling you out
Don't bend, don't break, baby, don't back down
It's my life
And it's now or never
'Cause I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just want to live while I'm alive
It's my life
And it's now or never
'Cause I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said
I did it my way
I just want to live while I'm alive
'Cause it's my life!
I remember when I was a child, there was this puzzle that I had been working on for a long time, well maybe not that long, but considering the ADHD brain it was for me most certainly a VERY long time. All would have been fine, if not for the fact that in the end, I discovered there were 2 pieces missing. Do you know how frustrating that is, especially for a kid, that you can't finish it? It felt like I had completely waisted all my time.
It's funny how the same situation is different when you're about 20, 30 years older. This time the one who is completely blowing it all out of proportion is not you, but your own child. Of course you understand its frustration, and the loudly expressed tantrum that follows (most likely you actually see yourself as a child again). After an impressive escape from being hit by the carton box of this puzzle you perform a vague attempt to calm down your very hacked off child. Not that you think it helps, but hey, you're a mother (or father) so that's what you do. You show some understanding and you tell him/her it's not the end of the world.
Probably it's better, that it doesn't help right away. You've gotta learn to realise yourself that there are worse things in life than an incomplete puzzle. The only thing a parent can hope for is that these attempts of comforting and explaining, will in the end help a child to be able to understand, out of its own feelings and emotions, what is really important, or not.
If only growing up and learning to deal with likewise matters of life, was 'as simple' as a kid's puzzle with a few missing pieces. It gets a lot more complicated. And as every person is different from the other, there are different ways and different forms of abilities in people in relation to this "growing up business".
You may think by now that I totally lost it, starting with a simple example of an incomplete puzzle and ending up talking like Freud. But what I actually mean, is that even complicated situations in adult life, can be approached like a puzzle with a few missing pieces. Obviously, I know there's a significant difference between for example a Teletubbies-puzzle and an ending relationship, but maybe, just maybe we should actually try now and again to go back to childhood and see the world a bit less complicated. Maybe we should give ourselves the chance again to have a more innocent look at life.
'Cause maybe, when confronted with incomplete puzzles... we might have a tantrum, throw a little fit, or whatever... but then, like being comforted by our mother,
we are able to calm down, understand, accept. And deal with it. The small advantage of adulthood is that we've hopefully developed enough of our Theory of Mind, so this dealing is done to our best intentions, for the ones around us, as for ourselves.
(I probably go too far with suggesting we could let this immaturely be followed by insisting we need an ice cream to feel better , right?)
J
Ever had the feeling that people think you're not up to much? You don't fit their standards? No matter what you do, it is never satisfying or good enough to make them happy, or at least acceptive.
Most of my life I've been juggling with this, trying my hardest to please everyone around me, whether it was in private matters or work related. What an idiot I was... it's an impossible task. But most of all, I had seem to forgotten one person specifically: and that was myself.
Although pleasing yourself can be translated in different ways of behaviour, most of us know, deep down, how important it is and how you can please yourself without ignoring the ones who deserve to be pleased as well. I truly think that you fail miserably to make someone else happy, if you don't take care of yourself. In the end, you end up being depressed and feeling down most of the time. Assuming the ones around you, do like / love /care for you, it seems pretty difficult for me to make someone happy when you are thinking rubbish of yourself.
I am changing recently, even though it's damn hard. One thing is dealing with compliments. Instead of immediately turning them down, I try to believe them and tell myself to be proud. Funnily enough, this time seems to be "perfect" for practising. I don't think I've ever been in a tougher situation like this before, and people are telling me things that I would have considered as complete and utter bullshit before.
Apparently, I look good (well, a lot better compared to what I looked like over the last few years). I know what I want and work hard to be able to reach my goals (to be honest, knowing what I want is still a bit of an unstable fact to me, but the rough lines are there and hopefully I can soon set up the final plan). Time is short this morning, so no more examples but it is just to give an idea.
But one thing's for sure: think good of yourself. Believe in and have trust in yourself. Once you've got that going, you can be good for someone else.
A bit of sarcasme can't do much harm though, that's why I fell for Amy Winehouse's song... Once in a while you'll find yourself in a situation where you think:
-You Know I'm No Good-
J
Tired, very tired; not physically though, more tired "upstairs" as she would call it. That's how she felt. Drained. But still, it surprised her how strong and powerful that same tired head motivated her to continue. Aware of the flashes of fear, uncertainty and worries, all trying to get rid of the brave attempts to build up self confidence, she kept on telling herself to focus on this motivating force and not to waste it. For this might be an opportunity that doesn't come around often.
The last few days had been very hard and, she realized again, she still instinctively felt the need to defend and prove herself. Instead of aiming her thoughts to the ones who (she thought) gave her this feeling, she worked on the thoughts themselves, trying to figure out why they were there in the first place. It wasn't an easy thing to do, but this was all part of learning to deal with her own responsibilities.
When you realise that you are responsible for your own life, including the consequences of these responsibilities, you find there are a whole lot more opportunities than you would think of. And if you feel instinctively that they could help you to become what you want to be, should you waste them?
J
One of the most difficult sides of making major decisions in life, is the feeling that you have to defend yourself for choosing them. I specifically say "feeling" as in fact it's something that doesn't necessarily have to be part of it. Most of the time, it's all down to yourself really. Which is easier said then done of course.
In general, it is up to you whether or not you allow these feelings in and/or have influence on what they do to you. Not that I am such a know-it-all in these matters; far from that actually. I have quite often been led by my seemingly instinctive defence system, at times even before people had said or done anything, just because I was worried/frightened that they would.
Looking back on life, I totally understand how I created this self defence side of me. I always found it hard to cope with that gut feeling, and I think that might cause that one tends to look for somebody to blame. In my case, that wasn't so difficult. Since my childhood there have been plenty of those around. But is that fair?
Call me whatever you like, but at nearly 40, I still strongly believe that everybody starts life with a good heart. Depending on their development and experiences in life, they turn out to be what they are, or do a very good job on hiding that and protect themselves by putting on a mask. For some, life is more a survival of the fittest. If you take that into consideration, it is a little easier to try not to blame someone.
So recently I've been trying hard not to be defensive, and not to blame someone, apart from myself at times. To be able to do that, I've got to act out of a different thinking process. (But that's something for another post...) I'm certainly not there yet and, although it feels that (especially at this particular phase of my life) I'm being 'tested' to the extremes, I am not giving up.
Like I said: definitively not there yet, and I'm so tempted sometimes to go back to my usual habits... But then, there's always a little kick in the butt to keep you going, and that's good... even if it's my own rebellious butt...
J
You could never know what it's like
Your blood like winter freezes just like ice
And there's a cold lonely light that shines from you
You'll wind up like the wreck you hide behind that mask you use
And did you think this fool could never win
Well look at me, I'm coming back again
I got a taste of love in a simple way
And if you need to know while I'm still standing you just fade away
Don't you know I'm still standing better than I ever did
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid
I'm still standing after all this time
Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind
I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah, I'm still standing yeah yeah yeah
Once I never could hope to win
You starting down the road leaving me again
The threats you made were meant to cut me down
And if our love was just a circus you'd be a clown by now
In terms of 'aesthetic music' again: here's one of my favorites, this time in Dutch (so aesthetic-bit actually only applies to the non-Dutch speaking). But it is a perfect example really, of how beautiful something can be, without even fully understanding it.
As I say "fully", I'll tell you a little bit what it means, as it's, now that I think about it, so applicable to this blog's name. The person who's singing is going to make a major choice in life, not knowing exactly what the result of that will be, how he'll do it, or why. But he knows it is the right thing to do, as his heart and soul tell the same story, asking the same question. And he wants to share his destination with the one he loves ("lief") so he is reaching out and asking to be hold and joined along the way.
It's a question in its most pure, bare form. To be able to ask your love to be with you that way, is a true blessing.
J
Bløf - Omarm
The skill of writing is to create a context in which other people can think.
--Edwin Schlossberg--
Since I can remember, I've had this affection for writing. As a child I used to love putting things on paper and then watch to see what people thought about it (me). When they liked it, I felt great. Which is a good thing, if the written paper represents yourself, whenever it's a made up story or not. It motivates you to learn to create your own context.
But in my case, it was quite often about a "made up - me". Looking back, it was all about this little girl who only desperately tried to feel accepted. As I was far too young, I couldn't really put my finger on it, but there was always this feeling that, to others, I seemed not quite on their level. Somehow I just didn't fit in, and for a long time (in reality terms) I never met anyone whom appeared to understand.
But every now and again, I could find myself this match, this team member if you like, that made me feel "to be one of them". Unfortunately, "they" were never real. They were characters in a book. Like my "made up - me", they were just creations on paper, results of other weirdo's in their crying attempt for acceptance. When watching a film, it could have the same effect. If one of the roles in the movie felt right, I wanted to identify myself with it, even though it wasn't for real.
Although never fully 'adapted' to nowadays society, I grew up and was more or less able to at least pretend that I did fit in. It was barely a choice though, it was more of an only option to keep my head above the water. I was lucky that on rare occasions I met such a 'match' in reality. They caused this extreme happy feeling, that I could be the real me, an existing me, not a 'fake J'. But as with all friends (the matching ones and the near), they come and some of them go. And when you're not able to deal with them leaving, you're left with emotions that frighten the life out of you.
Thank God that I've learned the ability to cherish these matches, also when they're gone, or not a visual part of your daily life anymore. I (try to) look back with gratitude, instead of regrets.
It also makes me realise that those people that are still part of my life today, are so important to me. I want to cherish them in the same way. And I do my best to show it, when I see them.
But what if you find another match, a written representation of one, but a grown-up version this time?
A while ago, I was trying to get an explanation about something, Google-searching on the net. I (of course) cannot remember exactly what I was looking for but I stumbled upon one of these rare occasions, a written match, for a change in cyberspace. In terms of the Law of Attraction again, this was right on the spot. What I do remember is that the next hour or so was spend on reading the entire site. (And believe me, with an ADHD-brain like mine, that is a real compliment)!
I won't go into details about what this perticular match means to me. The only thing that matters in my explanation for this, is that it just proves that we all have the right to be yourself. That we can enjoy other's lifes even though you're not 'a daily and/or visual part of it'. That opinions, confessions, values and meanings of others can be shared, accepted and respected, even though you sometimes might not agree on it, or think otherwise. It is something that is worth being cherished. There's no need for me to explain, you can find out for yourself.
So here's to DW, the person who matched my writing voice. Someone I've become very fond of, who's a great talented writer, and makes me just want to get to know him better. Letting him being part of the conversations between me, myself and I is an honour.
Kurt Cobain's "Rape me" is a good way to introduce him to my other matches.
J
"Do you have Lenny's "Believe in me?"" she asked him, when he was looking for some music on his PC. She stood behind him, and looking at his back, she couldn't resist leaning against him, feeling the warmth of his body.
He didn't have it, which was a shame really. It would have perfectly suited the moment. How perfectly 'perfect' it would have been, she only realised later.
It took her a while to grab herself back together again, but she managed. It was rewarding in the end. She had the feeling they both were able to do better this time. She believed in him and that also meant that she had to allow herself to trust that he believed in her too.
Desires, wishes, needs. They all deserve a different approach sometimes and in a way she was proud of discovering that. All you need to start is to believe in yourself. When you do this, you can honestly say out loud: Believe in me. And what follows is that the one you say it out loud to, instantly feels that you believe in him/her too. Call it a circle of trust.
She knew it wasn't always going to be easy; it may take a long time before discovering, via accepting and trying, ends up in achieving. But she had the will to try and the first attempt was succesful.
Thank God he didn't have Lenny's "Believe in me" though. She would have failed miserably if he did.
J
It takes a lot of courage to do what she does. Especially when you visualize it so clear for yourself and the rest of the world, by actually showing how you are going to achieve what you believe in. She's got her wings with her, and with the confident look on her face, no-one dares to even try to talk her out of it. Most will probably think the wings are part of her body, it looks so natural. So yes, she can fly.
I have a feeling sometimes too, that I can fly, but that doesn't even come close to the girl above. It is mainly caused by substances which come out of a bottle, or something similar; and I don't think that they sell confidence by the litre. Would be handy, though.
But, I do want to fly. I really really want to. And it is becoming more clear to me that I believe that I can, and the confident look will be there too. (Try me!)
Eyes will also be closed, which is a good thing, considering that my ability to focus is always being pushed around. Before you know it you've done a hell of an emergency landing with disastrous end results.
So, in combination with me preparing for the big jump, I believe I can soon say:and we have.... lift off....
J
During the last couple of weeks, I was being told, more than once but by the same person, that "love is blind". This is not world-shocking news, I know, but what was shocking to me, is that this person who repeatedly said it to me, is the same who's proving it to be wrong! And I should probably even thank HWSNBM.
While he said this / his statement, all I could do was nod "yes I know...", struggling with sadness, tears, frustration, fear. And, until then, I thought that it was true anyway. I mean, gosh... the number of times that I've heard those words, I never even questioned them, 'cause they always come to you when you've just learned that the one you love, is either not interested, interested but not only in you, gay or married.
Apparently you were blind for all these so obviously present distinctive parts of character which didn't match or didn't combine with yours.
So at that moment, there is nothing as good as victimizing yourself. Put on some music guaranteed to start a stream of tears, pour your heart out and wish him hell. Or worse.
But no matter how sweet this tastes, like heavenly gorgeous caramel sauce covering your tortured soul.... it doesn't last very long. (And believe me, caramel sauce to me is the ultimate divinity! Well, when it comes to food related matters anyway).
And unlike with caramel sauce, the aftertaste is bitterly nasty and you realise it didn't help at all. Nothing turned into something more positive, and if you dwelled on the anger, hurt and frustration long enough, it only made life worse.
Sometimes it is just plain good to be melancholic and make yourself feel even more horrible then you did before. It may even be a way of "switching on" your self-healing mechanism, to start feeling better. But you only feel better when you go through the whole situation again, this time with an open mind and the ability to see everything, all signs, which were there before but you just didn't notice them. Or you even ignored them.
The only way in this to help yourself, is to look at this situation through loving eyes. The same love that made you be there with him/her in the first place.
Now the outcome may well be that you still feel the same about this person. But if you look closely enough, it won't be 100% the same. Part of it will feel different, because you realise that you not noticing these specific parts, caused the wrong interpretations, which were most likely followed by the wrong decisions.
Putting it all back to myself, I feel sorry. Sorry for myself that I wasn't able to see. Or didn't take the chance to see. Sorry for the moments that because of that I felt angry or upset about the results of the misinterpreted words or behaviour. Out of this anger or hurt came my reaction, in self defence, trying to protect myself for even more of those negative and painful feelings.
Most of the time, there is no-one to blame. Not even you. For why would you deliberately hurt yourself?
Suppose with all of these situations alike, you, in the end, will learn. Learn to know and trust yourself. Learn to have the guts to see more, see it all. I really want to believe that the reward for that is sweet: your heart and mind will be one, you feel and know the truth about love.
It probably tastes a lot better than caramel sauce!
I'll let you know when that happens. I am still in the process really, the victimizing bit. So much moody music, I just quite haven't finished listening to all of it yet.
J
