That I would be good...

Even if I've neglected this blog for so long...

Well, ok, it wasn't much of a choice really. Let's just say that I was unavailable. But honestly, it was never my intention to stay away for more than a year! Shocking how time flies, but forget about the "having fun"-bit. I have discovered that time flies too when the days don't seem to end, with too much crap to fill given the hours.

So what have I done?
I've tried to be good. And it took me a year + to realise that I've tried to be good for anyone and anything else apart from myself. That's no good, is it?

That's called failing. In this case, failing miserably.

Now I know, this sounds quite harsh and ofcourse I know that I have tried very, very hard, so why can't I be a little more loving towards myself? See that 'trying' is at least a lot better than giving up and show the world your middle finger?

'Cause apparently, me trying to be good wasn't spotted (enough) by many people who are part of my life. Yes, they saw me struggling and fighting, but hey, in the end the results were not what they expected so, mission failed. Game over.

Wanna play again?

For years, I kept on going and tried to learn and understand the rules of the game. The do's and don't's of this life, as they come along - like instructions written in the manual of this really complicated hi-tech gadget (made in China, but o so badly translated into English ofcourse). Having said that, consider yourself lucky if you ever did find that bl.... manual; at least you've gót something that provides a bit of information, even if half of it looks more like it's written in some sort of alien language.

But some players of this lifelong contest just don't get it, literally and figuratively. Doesn't mean that they don't want to play, though. Or have the right to get more than one chance to master the necessary skills.

You never know.... they maybe don't play like you, but they might be good!

No retreat

There's a reason why I haven't been writing much lately. At the moment I think it's too complicated to explain it personally, but as usual, I give it a go with music. With a song that sets the right atmosphere. With lyrics that tells you how it feels.


I think I should stop thinking lightly about coincidence, by the way. After reading DW's last post, considering what I am going through, I believe there's a reason, or a meaning, for this.
DW, stand your ground...


J

I just know there's no escape now
once it sets its eyes on you
but i won't run, have to stare it in the eye

Stand my ground, I won't give in
no more denying, I got to face it
won't close my eyes and hide the truth inside
if I don't make it, someone else will stand my ground

Though this might just be the ending
of the life I held so dear
but I won't run, there's no turning back from here


Stand my ground

Strangers

(Writers Island prompt of wk 7)

Every once in a while, someone, or something, you've know for a long, long time, happens to be, say, do, behave, act or react completely different than what you expected. A certain situation which could have been common, turns out feeling strange. And close friends, whom you thought you knew so well, may come across as complete strangers.

Sometimes, for some of us, it happens to be your own person who is surprising you with unpredicted thoughts or emotions. Those moments can be some of the most frightening ones in life. But no matter how much fear they cause, don't try to turn your back on them and try to run or hide. These moments are a sign, even an alarming signal sometimes, that there's something wrong, and you've got to stop, think about and listen to what these strange feelings are trying to say.

Strange emotions may end up feeling familiar when you open yourself and think about it. A stranger may end up being the best friend you've ever had. Or even the most beautiful love of your life....

J

So lets get down to it baby
There ain't no need to lie

Tell me who you think you see
When you look into my eyes

Lets put our two hearts back together
And we'll leave the broken pieces on the floor
Make love with me baby
Till we ain't strangers anymore

Renewal

~ prompt of Writers Island - wk5 ~

Renewal of the soul - 4 by *nusbaum on deviantART

Renewal...
They say your renewal can only take place when you have been very close to death. Like nearly touching this cold, hated but so common "friend of life". So close, it's frightening; only 2 options remain and that is to flight or fight...

Fight...
It's when you fight that you gain the chance of renewal. Renewal of that piece of you, that is so badly damaged, that with all of the little life that's left in there, it screams desperately for help. No one can hear it though, apart from you. For it is you, and only you, who can answer the question, supply the demand, fill in the needs, make the u-turn.

Pain...
The pain may seem unbearable, your soul's severely injured but the hurt, this time, won't be like a companion of the enemy, but your friend. For it is so intense, that it provides you with a source of energy that nothing and nobody else can give you. It is a boost nearly too hot to handle.

Chance...
But it's a chance and you grab it: simply because you already choose to fight and that is exactly the one and only reason why this chance is here, right in front of you and there is no way that you'll let go.

Heal...
Wounds take time to heal. The tissue of your skin is remarkably well capable of creating new cells and forming a new layer of protection of your body. Sometimes the wounds have been so bad that this new layer may not look like what was there before. Scars appear and they can be a horrible reminder of what happened there before. But no matter how ugly, they are there and protect you.

Overcome...
For me, renewal of the soul can take place when not only having been so close to death, but also by to overcome the fear of it. You need fear to fight, but never fear fighting.

Renewal....
Sometimes, life's renewal isn't what you expected it to be. Sometimes the renewal of your soul is showing a complete different side of you, unknown before. But, take a closer look. Feel it, can you feel how thick this new layer of skin, this renewal is? The scars may seem ugly, look so different than what was there before.... yet, it may do one hell of a better job of protecting you.


So drive me out, yeah
Out to that open field
Turn the ignition off
And spin around
Your help is here

J

Live - Overcome
Uploaded by Live-official

The Gift

"Love is a gift.
You can't buy it, you can't find it, someone has to give it to you.
Learn to be receptive of that gift.”
(Kurt Langner)

~ prompt of Writers Island - wk2 ~

Yesterday I read a column of a Dutch psychiatrist who, in quite a straight forward way, pointed out that many people (if not most of them) tend to take Love for granted. As a result of that, chances are that one day you'll find yourself in a situation where you have lost that love and you're begging for it to come back. When you look back, you can wonder why you didn't see it before: you were not aware of the importance for being grateful for the love that was given to you.

Without going into detail regarding that article, and even though it was written in a confronting tone, he had a point there. We should be more grateful for what is given to us, even when it is there every day again. Actually, I would say, because it is there every day again....

When I saw this week's prompt of Writers Island, my mind went straight back to that column and somehow, I immediately linked it to James Morrisons latest song, "Undiscovered".

Be grateful for the greatest gift of all: Love. And if you feel you haven't received it yet, take a look around. It's not lost, just undiscovered....

I'm not running, I'm not hiding
But if you dig a little deeper, you will find me

I'm not lost, not lost, undiscovered
And when we're alone we are all the same as each other

J

Tired of being sorry

For a thousand reasons that I know
To share forever the unrest
With all the demons I possess
Beneath the silver moon

Maybe you were right
But baby I was lonely
I don't want to fight
I'm tired of being sorry

Forgive me my mistakes, for I sometimes don't realise what I am doing wrong...

Forgive me for being unreliable, for I sometimes can't even rely on myself...

Forgive me for the smile on my face, for it is sometimes just the mask I wear...

Forgive me for being complicated, for I have trouble myself to gain peace of mind...

My "demons"... They're not an excuse. They're not a scapegoat. I wish I could say I have an explanation for my behaviour. But to be able to explain, don't I need to have 'full understanding of the subject'?

And what if I haven't got that yet?

Forgive me all, for asking so much patience...

(Who would have thought that he could hit me with this song (and lyrics) right on the spot?)


J

Writing

(Sunday Scribblings)

Sometimes, when I speak, people don't seem to understand what I say.
Sometimes, when I look, they don't see what I observe.
Sometimes, when I think, people have no clue what's on my mind.
And sometimes, when I cry, they don't know what it's all about....

What can one do to be heard? To be seen, to be understood? To be comforted?

I cannot expect people to know me. For it is difficult enough to know 'me' myself.

But sometimes, it makes you feel so alone. All by myself....

and that's the reason I write.
Because then, I can speak, look, think and cry as if I am not alone out there...

J

Tell Me What We're Gonna Do Now

Not that I am complaining... :)
but having worked nearly every day for the last few weeks, I say:
* it's fun, but tiring
* makes time fly
* is no good for a blogger...

Add it up with the fact that I moved again (this time hopefully for a bit of a longer period then last), plus the usual daily stuff which unfortunately has to be done, it's not really surprising that there wasn't much left for writing....

But, as I said, I am not complaining.... it's just that my brain seems not to function that well, making it kind of hard to decide what to do in my spare free time, so...

(here's to Joss),

Tell me what we're gonna do now....

Be

The mind can see,
As long as you'll be,
For real with yourself,
And you'll forever be...

How close the meaning of these words above come to me...

This is the real truth, written down in 4 simple lines; yet it may be the hardest lesson of life. If you think about it, it's easy to say you want to be honest and open to yourself but doing it as well... you will have to read between your own lines, dig deep, and be brave enough not to ignore your image of the mirror you're looking at: your soul, your heart. That is the real you.

To hold that image up high, show the world who you really are and with the courage to let see you accept yourself, the consequences and your responsibilities, with all your ups and downs, your positive sights and the negative ones, that will be the most rewarding, beautiful and enriching goal of life.

Then you'll forever be...

J

And I called your name...

Wish I had the guts to tell you all about the specific reason for this post's choice of music...

Will try to with the next post... for now, I just want to hear this song again, and leave you guessing.... :)

J

Weapon Of Choice

"I think no matter what I did -- if I was a cook, if I was a writer, if I built houses -- I would try to make it unique somehow. Give it a stamp." -- Christopher Walken

How I just love the video of Fatboy Slim's Weapon of Choice in which Christopher Walken is performing as only he can do it. He's one of my favorite actors, quite often known for roles of "baddies", 'cause he can give you this excellent nasty look and give you the shivers when he speaks slowly about horrid stuff. But he can do more than that, and this video is a good example. He can dance too. Apparently he did some serious dancing before he got famous as an actor. Well, you can tell when you see him moving around.

- - - - - - -

Today I became angry. Without going into details, I don't feel good about it. Even though I think I had the right to disagree with the person in question, I feel that I lost control and that's exactly what I didn't want to do. It wasn't that I was screaming and shouting or anything, I just got a bit negatively excited and was somewhat sharp with my vocabulary. My words were my weapon. My weapon in a situation that I fear is becoming a war.

I made the wrong choice. I used my "weapon" the wrong way. I should have done what I intended to do (and have been doing successfully a number of times before): to use only kind words. To remain calm, to be able to "read between the lines".... people who are aggressive, even if only with the things they say, may be driven by hurt, pain. They may not notice it themselves, the effect of what they're saying. They may see no other way to behave as they do.

Next time, I'll try again. I won't give up. And one day, I know, I can do it.

J

Life

Out of bed very early this morning, and apart from how I was woken up, it was worth it. A beautiful morning, all you could hear were the birds singing and chatting away, the sun was out and the sky amazing.

And as I stood there outside, still feeling and looking rosy, I once again realised how breathtaking life can be. My body started shaking, not heavily, but enough to feel the warmth of love running through my heart and soul.

Everybody has the right to feel what I felt this morning. Give yourself the chance. A start to achieve it could be by reading this.
If nobody else does, wake yourself up. I can tell you, it is worth it...

J

Take It Easy with Decisions

Relax
There is an answer to the darkest times.
It’s clear we don’t understand but the last thing on my mind
Is to leave you.
I believe that we’re in this together.
Don’t scream – there are so many roads left.

Relax, take it easy
For there is nothing that we can do.

(this week's Sunday Scribblings)

Decisions.... how I hate them. Though I try to make sure that most of the time people think that I am the type that "knows what she wants", "goes for it" and all that stuff, the opposite is quite often more the case.

Well, it's not really that I don't know what I want and/or don't go for whatever "it" is... it's just that my lack of self confidence now and again wins and that's when the doubting hits me. Panic, worries, questions and lots of "what if's" fill my head and if I'm not careful I start playing hide and seek. Unfortunately, I'm very good in hiding....

I started to think what kind of positive twist I could give to this hiding business. I know I should try to fight this seemingly instant reaction (stop hiding, face the music, deal with it!) but that's easier said then done and knowing me, it will sometimes be too much to ask from myself. So why won't I take little steps at the time and have more chance of 'success'? The good thing about hiding is that you can allow yourself to take a look at yourself and the situation you're in, without having this feeling of pressure that you have to handle it right there and then, and oh by the way, don't make any mistakes!!

So I hide, take a step back and....

relax, take it easy.... all is so much different when you give yourself the opportunity to see where you are and what you're in without letting stress overtake the important moments of your life.

Mika has it right with his latest song, don't you think? Hey, I might even start appreciating the fact that I have the chance of making decisions...

J

Plug it in

Being Dutch, I think I should now and again do a bit of promotion for some Dutch bands/singers. That's if I like their music of course... Krezip is definitely one of them. Especially this song, I love it, love it, love it.... it's so cheerful, great to get you into a "weekend-mood"!

Plug it in and turn me on!

J

Roger Hodgson-You Make Me Love You

Sitting there with an extremely big smile on her face, just staring in the distance, not knowing how to describe that feeling in her heart, her head, her whole body actually.... all she knew was that it was there, this truly warm and sensational feeling and that it was growing, slowly but surely, day by day. It nearly frightened her, that process that seemed to be uncontrollable; no way she could stop it. Just as well, she didn't want it to stop anyway...

All these confusions, the wonderful emotions, the fear of lack of control and at the same time this craving for more. She then suddenly realised that it was ok.

It's all right. You make me love you....

J

Gregorian shivers

Covers of existing songs can be awful, an humiliation for the one who wrote and/or sung it before... but some of them are sometimes even better, or just a good try, or make the song a complete different version of the original.

This last option goes for "My Immortal" - Gregorian style. It's one of my favorite songs anyway, and this gives it a very unusual twist... love it!

J

Wicked Game

(Sunday scribblings)

What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way


Wicked.... one of these words of which the meaning can be different, depending on moods, situations, feelings. It can be positive or negative. Good or bad. Weird or normal. Strange or familiar.

If in your life, there's a connection between Wicked and Love, you've got to remember Chris Isaak's expression of games (wicked) people can play....

J

Antonio

Did I ever mention one of my favorite actors, Antonio Banderas? Once I think, but here I go again.

It's actually not just because of his acting, or looks, his eyes, the way he talks (even when you can't see the real Antonio but only to hear his voice when he's, for example, playing the role of a cat, is great). It's the combination of those factors with his singing ability. Why is it, that we don't hear more about that?

As the Phantom he was amazing, so was his part in Evita! It is one of my most beloved movies; not just because of his appearance in there. Madonna did well playing Eva Péron, the whole set up is beautiful, the story dramatic, and from a historical point of view a very interesting part of the 20th century.

Hard to choose which song to post here, the whole movie is full of great music, but I give it a shot with High Flying Adored.

J

Love Stoned

To be honest, I actually don't care what the majority of people think about a certain artist, singer, actor, whatever. Then why do I often have the feeling that I have to apologize when I mention one regarding something I really like?

To me, the result of what this specific person/persons produce, is mostly what counts. It can be touching, striking, triggering, uplifting; why let it be influenced by, lets say, the looks of somebody? Or the opinion (whether it's true or not) of someone else?

An example is Justin Timberlake. I am not even going to mention what "others" think about him. Some of his songs are catching, this is one of them. And that's what it's all about.

J

Slippery

You ever have that feeling? That time is slipping away?

Quite often I think time is slipping away; generally, life goes its own way, mine always seems to be in the fast lane anyway. But time spent behind the PC goes even faster, don't you think? Before you know it, cyber-time-slipping slapped you in the face and yet again, you realise the day has progressed quicker than you wanted it to.

During one of these cyber-time-slipping moments I stumbled upon this site,
Sunday Scribblings; what a great idea they offer (check it out for yourself, if you want). So here's my scribbling about the topic of this week.... Slippery....

And when I was thinking about this subject, Talking Heads came up in my mind. Slippery People, remember? And as I am always looking for "the story behind...." I found a very good explanation on this site (of which a short quote, but you can read the rest of it via the link):

It’s a song about severe psychological disorder…it’s a song about a man who has difficulty feeling comfortable in even the most typical daily situations, but so what? Many Talking Heads songs fit that description…
-
The song opens as he taunts himself…as his mind reminds him of a hazy failure past…Fallin’ on your face? You must be havin’ fun…, and then it segues directly into a tense plea for self-control…Walk lightly indeed. He’s considering taking some sort of action…against himself? Against somebody else? Someone specific? The next person who starts a conversation he can’t finish? Put away that gun, he says, bargaining for control over himself…This part is simple.

The man can’t even take a bath without being tormented by personal demons and the fear that he will one day drift so far from reality that nobody will be able to reach him…Cool down…stop acting crazy…they’re gonna’ leave…and we’ll be on our own…

If you’re not careful, he might even convince you he’s alright, that the Lord don’t mind, and those slippery people will be more than happy to see you through.

Well, there's not much more to add here, right? Enough talking about it, enjoy the musical scribbling...

J