I'm carefully peeking my head around the corner....
I'm building up strenght to come back, to wherever I was when I "left" before.
The last months have been hard, sucking up all my energy and left me with no choice than to look after myself. The things that happened along that way had a huge impact. This piece of music tells the story, of how it was, and is, for me.
I'll be back.
J
There's a reason why I haven't been writing much lately. At the moment I think it's too complicated to explain it personally, but as usual, I give it a go with music. With a song that sets the right atmosphere. With lyrics that tells you how it feels.
I think I should stop thinking lightly about coincidence, by the way. After reading DW's last post, considering what I am going through, I believe there's a reason, or a meaning, for this.
DW, stand your ground...
J
I just know there's no escape now
once it sets its eyes on you
but i won't run, have to stare it in the eye
Stand my ground, I won't give in
no more denying, I got to face it
won't close my eyes and hide the truth inside
if I don't make it, someone else will stand my ground
Though this might just be the ending
of the life I held so dear
but I won't run, there's no turning back from here
Stand my ground
(Writers Island prompt of wk 7)
Every once in a while, someone, or something, you've know for a long, long time, happens to be, say, do, behave, act or react completely different than what you expected. A certain situation which could have been common, turns out feeling strange. And close friends, whom you thought you knew so well, may come across as complete strangers.
Sometimes, for some of us, it happens to be your own person who is surprising you with unpredicted thoughts or emotions. Those moments can be some of the most frightening ones in life. But no matter how much fear they cause, don't try to turn your back on them and try to run or hide. These moments are a sign, even an alarming signal sometimes, that there's something wrong, and you've got to stop, think about and listen to what these strange feelings are trying to say.
Strange emotions may end up feeling familiar when you open yourself and think about it. A stranger may end up being the best friend you've ever had. Or even the most beautiful love of your life....
J
So lets get down to it baby
There ain't no need to lie
Tell me who you think you see
When you look into my eyes
Lets put our two hearts back together
And we'll leave the broken pieces on the floor
Make love with me baby
Till we ain't strangers anymore
What I can't, is looking at photographs. It hasn't always been like that. But the last few years it started (from getting this vague, melancholic pain flowing into a sharp scratch on an already wounded soul), and it slowly got worse. So these days, I can't even look at a certain photo without having this like automatic need to curl up, shiver, cry, wanting to dissappear, far, far away...
At this moment, I know I am at an alarming state in that matter, 'cause I noticed that the only two photo's in a frame that I've got, I have turned around. So all I see is the back of it. I can see they're still there, but I cannot face them. Literally. I cannot see their faces. The pain is too deep, the guilt is killing me, and I cannot find the right words to tell myself it's going to be alright. Whatever I do, there is no sense, no real sense, to explain why this all happened, how it got this far, and for which benefit it was needed.
So I feel waisted. I feel lost.
Have I waisted most of my years? And have I waisted most of my precious time with them? Have I lost many opportunities in my life? And did I loose some of the most important moments with them? Have I lost the chance of being there for, and with, them?
I usually have no trouble coming up with some sort of solution, clever statement or what have you. Not that I always have the wisdom of putting words into action in matters on my personal, emotional state. But like I said, I can't even find the proper words now, let alone doing something with their meaning.
I feel lost. And fear that I am.
J
~ prompt of Writers Island - wk5 ~
Renewal of the soul - 4 by *nusbaum on deviantART
~ prompt of Writers Island - wk4 ~ (my point of view with mask on)
Remember, when you were a kid, in the back seat of the car, going on holiday? The excitement? Although your dad only just drove off, it felt like ages and all you could think of was "are we there yet?!"... Nowadays that scene could be sketched like in Shrek 2, you are Donkey and your parents, very frustrated, played one hell of a good copy of Shrek and Fiona.
I was never very good "with journeys", even though I used to (and still do actually) love taking part of it. But hey, patience... right? For most of the journeys, you need it and that's exactly what I lack of....
So when thinking about a "journey", the silly part of me is totally on Donkey's side...
(my point of view without mask on)
You're getting older
Your journey's been etched
On your skin
"Are we there yet?"
This journey seems to last forever. But maybe that's exactly how it's supposed to be. Some sort of a never ending trip, but with the difference that the destination of it, is to actually learn to 'travel', to make the best out of it, to enjoy the surroundings of the road you follow, and to know where you're heading to.
There's nothing wrong with "looking back", as long as you keep on your track, going forward, open minded, excited and wondering ... am I there yet?
I love traveling my journey, I'm just not very good at it. I've probably just never really grown up.
J (Donkey)
(Sunday Scribblings)
Sometimes, when I speak, people don't seem to understand what I say.
Sometimes, when I look, they don't see what I observe.
Sometimes, when I think, people have no clue what's on my mind.
And sometimes, when I cry, they don't know what it's all about....
What can one do to be heard? To be seen, to be understood? To be comforted?
I cannot expect people to know me. For it is difficult enough to know 'me' myself.
But sometimes, it makes you feel so alone. All by myself....
and that's the reason I write.
Because then, I can speak, look, think and cry as if I am not alone out there...
J
The mind can see,
As long as you'll be,
For real with yourself,
And you'll forever be...
How close the meaning of these words above come to me...
This is the real truth, written down in 4 simple lines; yet it may be the hardest lesson of life. If you think about it, it's easy to say you want to be honest and open to yourself but doing it as well... you will have to read between your own lines, dig deep, and be brave enough not to ignore your image of the mirror you're looking at: your soul, your heart. That is the real you.
To hold that image up high, show the world who you really are and with the courage to let see you accept yourself, the consequences and your responsibilities, with all your ups and downs, your positive sights and the negative ones, that will be the most rewarding, beautiful and enriching goal of life.
Then you'll forever be...
J
Wish I had the guts to tell you all about the specific reason for this post's choice of music...
Will try to with the next post... for now, I just want to hear this song again, and leave you guessing.... :)
J
"I think no matter what I did -- if I was a cook, if I was a writer, if I built houses -- I would try to make it unique somehow. Give it a stamp." -- Christopher Walken
How I just love the video of Fatboy Slim's Weapon of Choice in which Christopher Walken is performing as only he can do it. He's one of my favorite actors, quite often known for roles of "baddies", 'cause he can give you this excellent nasty look and give you the shivers when he speaks slowly about horrid stuff. But he can do more than that, and this video is a good example. He can dance too. Apparently he did some serious dancing before he got famous as an actor. Well, you can tell when you see him moving around.
- - - - - - -
Today I became angry. Without going into details, I don't feel good about it. Even though I think I had the right to disagree with the person in question, I feel that I lost control and that's exactly what I didn't want to do. It wasn't that I was screaming and shouting or anything, I just got a bit negatively excited and was somewhat sharp with my vocabulary. My words were my weapon. My weapon in a situation that I fear is becoming a war.
I made the wrong choice. I used my "weapon" the wrong way. I should have done what I intended to do (and have been doing successfully a number of times before): to use only kind words. To remain calm, to be able to "read between the lines".... people who are aggressive, even if only with the things they say, may be driven by hurt, pain. They may not notice it themselves, the effect of what they're saying. They may see no other way to behave as they do.
Next time, I'll try again. I won't give up. And one day, I know, I can do it.
J
Out of bed very early this morning, and apart from how I was woken up, it was worth it. A beautiful morning, all you could hear were the birds singing and chatting away, the sun was out and the sky amazing.
And as I stood there outside, still feeling and looking rosy, I once again realised how breathtaking life can be. My body started shaking, not heavily, but enough to feel the warmth of love running through my heart and soul.
Everybody has the right to feel what I felt this morning. Give yourself the chance. A start to achieve it could be by reading this.
If nobody else does, wake yourself up. I can tell you, it is worth it...
J
Relax
There is an answer to the darkest times.
It’s clear we don’t understand but the last thing on my mind
Is to leave you.
I believe that we’re in this together.
Don’t scream – there are so many roads left.
Relax, take it easy
For there is nothing that we can do.
(this week's Sunday Scribblings)
Decisions.... how I hate them. Though I try to make sure that most of the time people think that I am the type that "knows what she wants", "goes for it" and all that stuff, the opposite is quite often more the case.
Well, it's not really that I don't know what I want and/or don't go for whatever "it" is... it's just that my lack of self confidence now and again wins and that's when the doubting hits me. Panic, worries, questions and lots of "what if's" fill my head and if I'm not careful I start playing hide and seek. Unfortunately, I'm very good in hiding....
I started to think what kind of positive twist I could give to this hiding business. I know I should try to fight this seemingly instant reaction (stop hiding, face the music, deal with it!) but that's easier said then done and knowing me, it will sometimes be too much to ask from myself. So why won't I take little steps at the time and have more chance of 'success'? The good thing about hiding is that you can allow yourself to take a look at yourself and the situation you're in, without having this feeling of pressure that you have to handle it right there and then, and oh by the way, don't make any mistakes!!
So I hide, take a step back and....
relax, take it easy.... all is so much different when you give yourself the opportunity to see where you are and what you're in without letting stress overtake the important moments of your life.
Mika has it right with his latest song, don't you think? Hey, I might even start appreciating the fact that I have the chance of making decisions...
J
I've never been to Ireland, but hopefully, one day I will. I love the UK and its variety of country side, and I think Scotland is one of the most beautiful places I've ever been. But for some reason I feel it's incomplete, I just have to try to visit Ireland sometime.
When I was a kid, I had horse riding lessons. I remember I was just so excited about it. We use to live right next to a park, which was great fun anyway, and I walked my dog in that park every evening. But in the middle of the area there was a horse riding club & stable, and I can imagine myself again when, in the summer, the lessons took place outside and I could watch it from the side.
Remember those childish feelings of jealousy? I just stared at the girls who were lucky enough to have parents with lots of money (in a kid's eyes anyway) who could pay for their daughters wish to ride horses.
I don't remember exactly the ins and outs, but my parents did not have the money to provide me with these lessons. But they did have friends, a couple of 2 gay men (which was, for those days, quite amazing when you would have known my parents, who were very religious and there was no such thing as "gay" allowed usually). Again, I don't know exactly why, but I was offered the opportunity to have horse riding lessons, and they would pay for it. I vaguely remember that I had to achieve something before I earned it, but anyway, I seem to have managed because I had quite a lot of lessons. And it felt like a dream come true.
That's when I first got the wish to go and see Ireland. I remember when, after the lessons, I went to the canteen to go and get a drink. And while I was waiting for my turn at the bar, I used to look at the magazines that were there. Inside was lots of advertisement for horse riding holidays, and mainly in Ireland. Breathtaking photographs of people on horses, making their way through the hills, heading towards the sea shore, where they wouldn't even have to urge the animals to a higher speed, as the horses already smelt the salty water and started to gallop to feel the waves.
Of course my daydreaming was smashed to pieces every time I drifted off and spoke out my wishes. My parents didn't have the money for stuff like that, and my two "gay uncles" were nice but not able to provide cash for luxury holidays for kids. And when I was old enough to earn cash myself, it just never happened. But the dream remains.
Years ago, when in the UK at my former parents-in-law, I sat behind the TV and watched a video G put on. It was a recording of Riverdance, the Irish performance that was originally composed for the Eurovision Song Contest (I think), but was such a success that it was made into a full show which went to theatres worldwide. It was amazing.
At some point there was this bloke, Davy Spillane, who sat down on a chair on stage, on his own, and started to play the Uilleann pipes. I was absolutely gobsmacked. And I knew instantly that this piece of music was going to be played at my funeral. (So when I'm dead and you visit my last farewell party, you'll hear it, and if not, nobody bothered to read my will, nor took notice of this post).
But as said before, this dream is still here, so before I pop off, I really would like to go there and ride a horse through the shorelines of the Irish beaches.
Until then, I don't mind combining one thing with the other, and use my originally funeral music for some daydreaming instead. See if you like it....
(and for those who are interested: Cúchulainn is a good example of one of the greatest Irish folk legends around).
J
is a term that describes the lack of guilt of an individual, with respect to any kind of crime, sin, or wondering.
(Children are usually considered to be innocent and to gradually lose this attribute through maturity by gaining knowledge of the adult world).
source: Wikipedia.
There's music that makes me weak. It all depends on mood, situations, experiences etc. of course, but the soft spot is always touched. And I can't help it. I don't know what went wrong when I (and so my brain) was created, apart from the ADHD-thingy. Apparently a group of silly cells decided to stick together and form a part of my mind of which I cannot seem to get any control of. In fact, quite often it takes over and controls every single bit of my thinking process. Some sort of addiction really.
Now, this has some plus points. Especially when I feel good, happy, sexy or similar, it is great to be able to let yourself go, if possible that is. Don't we all have our moments when we hear a specific song and voila, we're back in those days when we .... well, did whatever we were doing whilst whomever was singing whichever song. Ah, memories...
Don't know about the sad and bad memories though. Mostly ones you DO NOT want to think about anymore, you prefer NOT to be reminded of and you, most certainly of all, don't want to go through that situation again. Ever. Even if it is only a memory. One thing leads to another and before you know, you're crying your eyes out again and feel the urge to go out and look for him/her and kick their ass anyway. Which you should have done years ago. (But didn't).
And then, there are the "in between's". Not perfect but not too dreadful too. The wishing, waiting, wanting moments. Memories that even despite the fact that maybe what you were wishing, waiting and wanting for didn't happen, still brings a smile on your face and makes you wander of... Some of those can actually be applied to several different occasions. A form of multi- functional use of emotional reactions from the brain (which is great, as for me emotional reactions can be quite an exhausting exercise).
So, to give you an idea, the following song is one of these. It triggers me to step out of daily life routines and sit back & smile, thinking about what happened. (Or didn't).
J
I woke up this morning with Robbie Williams. Not literally of course, but in my head. Together with Nicole Kidman, singing 'Something Stupid'. Lucky me.
Although most will call it weird, I think it's quite amazing how the brain, in this case mine, works. Especially considering it's early morning. The idea to wake up with Robbie may seem pretty stupid enough, but that he is actually singing about stupidity, makes it suddenly rather clever!
I hate being called stupid. Like probably everyone hates it. (You're not stupid, right? And if you are, there's only one who can call you stupid and that is yourself). What is it that makes you so hacked off when someone calls you stupid... and what exactly does stupidity mean? Maybe we get so wound up about it because our ignorance stopped us looking any further and we might have missed the complete answer to that question.
Well, you'll be pleased to know that according to Wiki, stupidity is not all that bad. It actually states it as a quality! Ha! And yes, I know there's a wide explanation for the word 'quality', but still, it's not a negative approach. Part of the article says :
So the quality of something depends on the criteria being applied to it. Something might be good because it is useful, because it is beautiful, or simply because it exists. Determining or finding quality therefore involves an understanding of use, beauty and existence - what is useful, what is beautiful and what exists.So most of the time, the feelings that appear when called stupid, are right. You disagree, because you feel or think differently about something. Your criteria is not the same as the person who is telling you you're daft.
'criterion (plural criteria)
Let's be honest, these standards or tests are only there because a majority of people has roughly the same opinion about a certain matter. But that doesn't mean it is the one and only truth! And it certainly doesn't rule out the possible value of your criteria.About 40 min's ago or so, I signed in to my blog account to write a new post. Usually, before I get to that, I check out some of my fav sites/blogs (see list of them somewhere in the sidebar).
This time, I didn't get far. I got stuck at Flea's blog and that was it. And, like I said, it's 40 min's (or so) later. Now I am a bit of a Flea-fan (huge actually, but I don't want to give any of you the impression that I'm getting a bonus out of this or something), which means:
Ever had the feeling that people think you're not up to much? You don't fit their standards? No matter what you do, it is never satisfying or good enough to make them happy, or at least acceptive.
Most of my life I've been juggling with this, trying my hardest to please everyone around me, whether it was in private matters or work related. What an idiot I was... it's an impossible task. But most of all, I had seem to forgotten one person specifically: and that was myself.
Although pleasing yourself can be translated in different ways of behaviour, most of us know, deep down, how important it is and how you can please yourself without ignoring the ones who deserve to be pleased as well. I truly think that you fail miserably to make someone else happy, if you don't take care of yourself. In the end, you end up being depressed and feeling down most of the time. Assuming the ones around you, do like / love /care for you, it seems pretty difficult for me to make someone happy when you are thinking rubbish of yourself.
I am changing recently, even though it's damn hard. One thing is dealing with compliments. Instead of immediately turning them down, I try to believe them and tell myself to be proud. Funnily enough, this time seems to be "perfect" for practising. I don't think I've ever been in a tougher situation like this before, and people are telling me things that I would have considered as complete and utter bullshit before.
Apparently, I look good (well, a lot better compared to what I looked like over the last few years). I know what I want and work hard to be able to reach my goals (to be honest, knowing what I want is still a bit of an unstable fact to me, but the rough lines are there and hopefully I can soon set up the final plan). Time is short this morning, so no more examples but it is just to give an idea.
But one thing's for sure: think good of yourself. Believe in and have trust in yourself. Once you've got that going, you can be good for someone else.
A bit of sarcasme can't do much harm though, that's why I fell for Amy Winehouse's song... Once in a while you'll find yourself in a situation where you think:
-You Know I'm No Good-
J
